Thread by @kyla_seraphine

This post on ADHD is so accurate, it hurts. For anyone that's works with me or is close to me, please take a look:

gekk.info/articles/adhd.…

It's a regular routine for me to forget the things I'm doing, even if it's just trying to hold onto one single thought. As the post describes, it's like the thought is covered in oil and keeping a hold on it is damn near impossible.

I've had times when I stare at a computer screen for 10 - 20 minutes trying to figure out what I needed to do because I can't remember what was important to me in the moment before. I can usually figure it out (and do it a lot faster) but that's still lost time.

Throughout my life, ADHD has caused a lot of pain. People getting irate with me (causing some of the traumas I picked up as a kid because of this) and to losing friends as a result of not being able to manage it. Not to mention halting progress on the things I'm trying to do.

I've received several wedding invitations from people I care about in the last few years and have had paralyzing anxiety about going to each of them. Having to revisit my past by seeing people that I haven't seen since I came out as trans is terrifying.

And that fear, in turn, feeds into my ADHD. The fear makes me put the invitation aside to deal with later and then I forget. Then it's too late to respond and then I start blaming myself and telling myself I'm a terrible friend.

So if you see me and I'm looking at Google Calendar, ToDoist, or YNAB, it's me doing my best to keep up with everything because I can't trust my own brain a lot of the times.

Even with the tools and the skills I've built up, I just want to shut down sometimes. One of the ways I do that is by watching Youtube videos, and I spend a *ton* of time watching videos.

I'd always rather be doing something else like focusing on my hobbies or getting work done but when I look away from the screen and have to turn on my brain again, it floods with thoughts again and I'm back to managing them. It's exhausting.

Having said all of that, I'm getting much better at managing/coping but I have my bad days/weeks/months. I'm trying to be gentle to myself but sometimes it's just too much and I'm back to YT videos or whatever helps me quiet my brain.

Thank you for reading ❤️

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