Thread by @edsMNL

Haha so ikaw pala yung nasa likod ng account na to boss. Thanks for inviting me on here to say my piece. 

If you'd rather not read about journalism + sexual assault + mental illness, turn back now. No judgment.

Everyone else, buckle up

I'm the type of person who left journalism to preserve my mental health (or what was left of it).

Pero once upon a time, isa akong idealistic young fresh grad who wanted to save the world at akala ko magagawa ko yun through news.

Oo, nirerecord lang natin yung mga nangyayari. But I felt like I was doing my part, anyway. Maybe the story I wrote could reach someone who can donate money, support this grassroots business, adopt that child, send relief goods, change that law or make one where there was none.

For me, journalism wasn't just a front row seat to history. It was about shining lights in dark places and compelling people to act through a well-researched story.

Di bale na yung walang OT o hazard pay, walang holidays, walang social life. Di bale yung kapiranggot na sweldo. Di bale na parang nag-LDR kami ng jowa ko dahil lang sa shift ko. At least may purpose yung trabaho ko. Saan ka pa?

Pero may katapusan din ang ilusyon na to. Because my breaking point wasn't seeing a dismembered leg floating in floodwater or the rubble of a church or the leering smiles of DOM politician interviewees or the hate comments on my articles or the yelling of a boss pag may breaking.

It wasn't even all of those and more put together. No, what broke me was the system in which we practice journalism itself.

Alam niyo ba kung gaano kahirap maging babaeng journalist, lalo na dahil kay D/u/thirty? Pero mahirap na rin nung journo ako, bago pa yung #MeToo

Meron akong pinagkatiwalaan na friend dati sa trabaho. He took advantage of me at my most vulnerable. At dahil isa akong young, idealistic journalist who wanted to save the world through news, nireport ko siya sa HR. May guts na ako bago ako naging journo, nahasa lang ng todo.

Di ko alam, barkada pala lahat ng management, which my ex-friend was part of. Wala silang masabi sa katotohanan ng mga pangyayari kasi well-documented siya (first rule of journalism: keep receipts even if they hurt), so anong pwede nilang gawin?

Ruin my career, of course.

This story is familiar to many of us: blackmail, smear, personalan. You're now the woman wearing the scarlet letter. Lines were drawn, friendships were lost. Babae pa yung mga nagdefend sa gagong yun. Masisira daw yung career niya. Na-trauma din daw siya sa pagreport ko sa kanya.

At sino ba ako? Just an idealistic young journalist. A nobody with a way with words. Ginawa akong puta, pariah, during and after my assault. A wounded woman must lie down and apologize for hurting a man's feelings by pointing out what he did. 

Kaputahan. Nakakapakshet.

And what did my colleagues have to say about it? Did they defend me? Journos are supposed to be fearless, after all. If we can ask straightforward questions of the most sleazy politicians, the most intimidating of generals, siguro naman we can hold our own among our own, right?

Dito pumapasok yung sistema, guys. In a room full of fearless journos, walang nagsalita. May mga supporters nga ako, but they were all at the bottom of the newsroom food chain. Wala rin silang magawa.

At yung mga may mouths to feed. I totally understand the fear of losing your job in that context. After all, maliit lang yung industry and the salaries are barely enough to keep a family going (sana cushy yung sweldo ng spouse mo no).

Pero sana masunog kayo sa hypocrisy niyo kung tinuturuan niyo yung mga anak niyo to stand their ground against bullies. Silence + neutrality ensure your complicity. Kaya ganito yung lipunan natin eh. Tyranny is built on the silence of good men. And you call yourselves journalists

Something else I learned: sobrang common yung mga kasong sexual harassment sa ibang department, ibang agencies, ibang networks. "Swerte" pa nga raw ako eh. That nothing worse had happened to me.

This was said to me matter-of-factly. Tanong lang, when and why did we settle for such shitty conditions?

On some subconscious level, do we think we deserve this skewed system of fear and intimidation? That's what using sex as a weapon is really about. Power and who wields it.

At that point in my life, para akong sinasaksak araw-araw by the gaslighting, the blackmail, the cognitive dissonance. It was no surprise nung nagising na lang ako nung madaling araw, umiiyak, and thought how easy it would be to go my kitchen, take an actual knife, and...

...and psychological health needs are not covered in our measly healthcare and...

...and my parents, whom I lived with, thought that mental health was all some bullshit New Age thing that displaced God and prayer from my heart and so wouldn't pay for therapy and...

...and that was when I knew that I had to leave my job. I loved journalism, but it had become a toxic relationship. I needed a job that could help me pay for treating the mental illness that my news job inflicted on me.

For the longest time, I thought I was the broken one and I couldn't handle the system. But after years of emotional distance and therapy, I've realized that the system is the one that's broken and we all deserve so much better.

Due to contractual obligations, I couldn't apply for another journ job. Pero okay lang. Inisip ko na babalikan ko siya eventually. I "sold out" and joined the corporate world in the meantime, worked on my mental health and saw all the ways that I was breaking myself.

Here's what I learned about having even the lowest salary rung in the corporate world: I could afford nice things. I could go on classier dates. Kaya kong bayaran yung phone bill ko nang hindi umuutang. Kaya kong mag-bakasyon na may kaunting pocket money pa.

And most importantly, may pambayad ako para sa therapy at sa gamot. 

Kasi si gago? Nasuspend lang siya ng saglit. Ako, anong consequence ko from the incident? Years of C-PTSD and depression and anxiety.

Eto na yung what if portion ko. What if hindi ko na lang nireport si gago sa HR? I would still be a journalist, still getting PR freebies, still getting my shot of that high from fieldwork, still making history. Maybe winning awards. Maybe getting sent on coverage abroad.

Maybe being promoted and given a raise (asa, pero a girl can dream). Eh di may rock-hard guts nako, if not rock-hard abs.

So one day, while I was job hunting, I applied for a journ job again. Ang bilis ng mga pangyayari. Iha-hire na ako on the same day. Okay na rin yung sweldo at yung shift. Managerial na yung position ko.

Pero nanginginig yung buong katawan ko. Hindi ako makahinga. Every single nerve in my body was screaming at me to run.

And even though I loved journalism and I missed the rush, missed my friends, missed being in the front row seats of history, I had to turn down the chance to come back. I loved myself more than journalism, and there is no shame in that.

Hindi ito parang "bayan o sarili." I had to draw a line between what builds me up and breaks me down. And what breaks me down is being in an office full of fellow journalists, all representatives of the broken system whether they like it or not.

These days, nagcocontribute ako here and there sa mga news sites. Mostly fluff pieces. Di na kasi ako pwede mag hard news dahil sa day job. But it gives me the right balance of purpose and creativity while allowing me to have healthcare.

Aminin, nagfefreelance din kayo. In an ideal world, you wouldn't have had to freelance elsewhere kasi commensurate yung sweldo mo sa trabahong ginagawa mo. But we don't live in that world.

So paano na yung impulse to save the world? I still want to do that. Pero nasa frontlines na ako. Humanitarian work, volunteer work, being a decent human being in general kuno. Kasi alam ko na ngayon that no one person, no one profession can save the world. It's too big for that.

Kailangan makahanap ng paraan na sakto lang sa kakayahan + abilidad mo. Sometimes, to save the world, you have to save yourself. Ako pala yung kailangang i-save, at sinave ko yung sarili ko. That, instead of staying at a job where people hated me, is what gives me rock-hard guts.

So ewan ko, if you're like me, a burned ex-journo looking for catharsis, for affirmation that it was okay to leave the job you loved, the job you may have gone to J-school for, because it became shitty eventually, here it is: it's okay.

To paraphrase, insanity is defined as doing something senseless over and over again. You could not have stayed in that job. You valued your dignity as a person more, and there is nothing wrong with that. You don't deserve a workplace that treats you like shit.

Journ is something you can come back to. Doesn't have to be all at once. Doesn't have to be now. I can't even promise it'll be better next time. But it will happen if you want it to.

After all, you can be taken from journalism, but the journalism can never be taken out of you.

Last na. Sa mga nadaanan at pinagdadaanan yung pinagdaanan ko sa newsroom: nakikita ko kayo. Naririnig ko kayo. Alam ko yung tindi ng nararanasan niyo. Alam ko na madami tayo. Mahirap man maalala minsan, pero totoo ito:

Hindi kayo nag-iisa.