Thread by @QuinnyPig

The lights dim. An entirely-too-loud video for 8AM starts. Welcome to @awscloud #reinvent

It's a three hour keynote. Thank you to keynote sponsor Depends adult diapers. #reinvent

I see you, @github logo. #reinvent

Now talking about ride hailing. He's drawing an "Uber for Computers" comparison and now I would like my #reinvent registration fee back please.

Mentioning @onepeloton, a company boldly named after how much their products cost. #reinvent

And despite everyone's best efforts, the re:Invent House Band is back, starting with Van Halen. #reinvent "Don't Want to Wait for Tomorrow"

Telling a story about a company transforming. "We use a lot of @awscloud services!" Turns out they used 3 EC2 instances.

I thought this was going to be a story about Serverless, but no; just glacial Enterprise transformation. 😡 #reinvent

Step 5: Bring oh-so-very-much money. #reinvent

I'm sad to report that the #reinvent house band is playing again. Freddy Mercury this time.

I'm sorry, @ajassy reading the lyrics on screen in a monotone puts the lie to the old chestnut "@awscloud doesn't have a sense of humor" because that's screamingly funny. #reinvent

These aren't services, these are @awscloud product categories. #reinvent

Oh sure, you'll quote @gartner_inc in the keynote but not my "Uncomfortable @awscloud Truths" twitter thread. I call pay-to-play! #reinvent

Now talking about EC2.

Are they about to announce @awscloud EC3?! #reinvent

Talking about EC2 differentiators. Nitro, chip innovations, more instance families than you can name with the Japanese kanji "alphabet," etc. #reinvent

Now announcing the "Graviton2," a custom ARM chip or possibly a bomb. Powering M6g, R6g, and C6g instances. #reinvent

This thing kicks the living crap out of the current Intel powered c5/m5 instance families.

It's time for the world to learn that "cross-compiling" isn't about you using your computer when you're angry.

Well, it is, but it doesn't start that way. #reinvent

New, Inf1 instances in partnership with @infosys I presume. I should read the second half of the slide. #reinvent

Ah, it's powered by Inferentia, which is what the president has. #reinvent

It's Container Time!

Fargate now supports EKS! How... would you use Kubernetes with Fargate?

"Well, that's a bit embarrassing. It's ECS under the hood, but we degrade the network links intermittently with a randomized cron job." #reinvent

That user story must have been fascinating.

"As a Full Stack Overflow developer, I want to use Fargate but with way, way, way more dicking around with administrivia." #reinvent

And now a DJ who's also the CEO of Goldman Sachs. David Solomon, who's going to drop beats and also the market. #reinvent

Since I'm staying away from banking due to bad experiences at my last job in that sector, let's talk about something else while this guy talks about transformation.

One of the underappreciated thing about @awscloud service teams is that they have to account for their customers being idiots. I should know; I'm their customer and I'm a complete idiot.

Whenever they turn something on or enhance a feature, there's a great chance that it breaks someone's workflow. Strangely, you never see complaints about this.

When I dug into why with Secret Discussions, it turns out that they watch for impacted customers like hawks looking for chihuahuas. They leap into action With A Quickness whenever they spot something.

I'd like to recognize some of the hardest working teams that I've been rather unflattering to over the past year. They do amazing work behind the scenes. In lieu of Big Banking Nonsense Hour, I'd like to flag them here.

The @awscloud billing team: I give you constant static, feedback, and unsolicited roadmap suggestions you don't follow. But the scale you work at is monstrous, and what you do has to work or you don't have a company any more. I see you.

The @awscloud CloudFormation team: You have to support every feature of every service at launch or people whine and complain. You get all the grief but have none of the authority to force the change. I also see you.

The @awscloud Global Infrastructure team: Without you, none of the rest of this would be possible. A computer that sits there and can't talk to anyone else is fairly useless, like Google's customer service department. I see you too.

The @awscloud EC2 team. It's not highlighted the way it once was, but all of these higher level services run on the stuff you do. There are servers in serverless, and they're (presumably) servers you have to worry about. I don't see you because I'm not invited into datacenters.

The @awscloud team in charge of service naming: Do you even exist? Are you okay? Can we send help? Blink twice if you're being held captive! I'd like to see you.

The @awscloud marketing folks: You have to tell authentic stories that resonate with everyone, talk about 180+ disparate services, and do so in a humorous but professional fashion. You can't do that all at once; it's impossible. I see you, mostly in airports and my inbox.

To @awscloud legal: Thanks for another great year of you not suing me. You folks are absolute champs. I hope not to see you in the form of a process server.

And of course, to @ajassy's dog. You're the absolute best, Amazon IoT Simple Systems Manager Elastic Barkenfloof For Containers 2.0 the Third. I'd like to see you. #reinvent

And now @ajassy recaptures the stage and a growing part of the economy from Goldman Sachs.

...and immediately squanders both by giving them back to the #reinvent house band with Billy Joel. "You Oughtta Know By Now"

Now a swipe at Oracle and IBM.

I can't even joke about Oracle anymore. Suing the DoL saying they don't have the right to enforce employment discrimination law? Sit the fuck down, you shitgibbons. #reinvent

Talking about the crappy MS licensing changes in cloud.
My analysis of that lives at lastweekinaws.com/blog/microsoft…
#reinvent

Now back to their Disney-princess branded database, Aurora.

Leave it running and your CFO tries to kill you with a poisoned apple. #reinvent

BREAKING: @awscloud announces product roadmap at #reinvent!

And tragedy befalls us as the #reinvent house band returns.

They're covering the Dave Matthews Band.

"I whine like an asshole into a microphone" is a weird take for a talking theme, but let's see how @ajassy lands it.

Now my favorite message queue: S3!

"How do you work with hundreds of petabytes or possibly exabytes?"

Personally I fix my goddamned logging before declaring bankruptcy. #reinvent

Now S3 Access Points. I love this so much.

Thinking of this as being just for data lakes is a mistake. This is huge for application architecture considerations. "Here's the endpoint for reads, here's the one for writes" is a simplistic example. #reinvent

A quick note for @awscloud marketing: I have multiple customers in the near-exabyte scale range. Not a single one has ever self identified as "having a data lake." #reinvent

Now talking about Redshift, a great way to transfer vast sums of money to AWS in parallel. #reinvent

AWS Spectrum has been renamed "Lake House."

Are you kidding me?! *THAT* is the service you decided to rename?!

The entire world just turned a shade of furious red--

"AND THAT'S WHY WE CALL IT REDSHIFT!" #reinvent

Oh so many feature enhancements. #reinvent

Redshift RA3 instances. They cache data on SSDs locally, but less-frequently data is backed by S3 with a special high-speed S3 connection.

Compute and storage now separated and billed separately. I like this. #reinvent

I also want that faster S3 dingus in other areas.

Introducing AQUA: query acceleration delivers results 10x faster to answer questions like "what was the name of that band that wrote that horrible 'Barbie Girl' song?" #reinvent

Oh, that's the high bandwidth S3 dingus!

Now, less about S3 and "structured data," more about S3 and "cat photos" please. #reinvent

Now talking about Amazon ElasticSearch, somehow without threatening their customers. Take note, @elastic.

And a new tier called...UltraWarm? #reinvent

Uh... hello? Is this thing on?

Better names:
"Hot"
"That's Hot"
"LeiaWarm"

I still think @CHAOSSEARCH's approach is architecturally superior to this model. Seriously; they're not paying me to say this. #reinvent

They *are* passing out my stickers at booth #307 though.

And "unseasonablywarm," "brisk," "cool for August," and "tepid" are crap names for next year, @awscloud. Take a note. #reinvent

Oh, bold move @ajassy. You'll mention the Timestream database (still not released) but you dare snub Route 53!? it's the best database of all time. OF ALL TIME! #reinvent

And now "Amazon Managed Apache Cassandra Service." Neat concept, it'll upset some people, and oh my god that name. Really?

I'm Naming Cassandra; I give dire warnings that nobody heeds.
#reinvent

And the bad news continues with the #reinvent band's return to the stage. The Proclaimers, "I'm Gonna Be."

"JUST TO BE THE MAN WHO WALKS A THOUSAND MILES TO BILL YOUR APP SOME MORE"

"Most people aren't willing to walk 500 miles" says @ajassy but there are damned near 60,000 #reinvent attendees, so...

Machine Learning is extremely important because @awscloud is perceived as being behind @azure and @GCPcloud in this space and thus need to say that Machine Learning is extremely important. #reinvent

And now @werner takes the stage--wait, sorry. That's @cerner. Common mistake.

And now there's a large line at the bathroom. #reinvent

Speaking of healthcare: those stupid AMI t-shirts (both kinds) raised over $18K this year for @stjude. That's $25K raised from my stupid snark for something that actually matters over the last two years. Thanks to all of you. #reinvent

"Corey, don't you have to go to the bathroom?"

Thanks, but I'm saving it up to rage-piss if they have another eighteen syllable service name. #reinvent

And we're back after a refreshing nap!

#reinvent

"Machine Learning is the future that will change everything, but your @awscloud bill is still a multi-gigabyte file that melts Excel, and is left as an exercise for the customer." #reinvent

"AWS is the fastest place to run your ML algorithms!" #reinvent

A lot of folks are using SageMaker, but I don't get it. I don't think I'm smart enough in the right ways. #reinvent

Now SageMaker Notebooks.

I also fail to understand Jupyter notebooks. #reinvent

And now SageMaker Experiments and Debugger are launching. #reinvent
So we have SageMaker (Neo | Ground Truth | Experiments | AutoPilot | Debugger), as per their SageMaker product page at this moment.

Has @awscloud given any thought to wtf we're going to do with all these sages?

Oh, and SageMaker Model Monitor launching too.
In a better, alternate world:

"Introducing Amazon SageFactory!"

It's a better name than this Pokémon style "catch the features all under a separate brand" dance. #reinvent

And now, Doctor Matt Wood comes to the #reinvent stage for a discussion. He has a charming accent, because @mza's first language is of course math. #reinvent

Fun @awscloud fact: This slide was in the draft deck as "something that reminds the audience that computers are coming to take their jobs away." #reinvent

"And this makes life better for data scientists," and please remember to date a scientist.

"Thanks, Doctor Wood" says @ajassy and ushers him off the stage.
#reinvent

New service: Amazon Fraud Detector.

The terms and conditions explicitly forbid you from using it on "AWS Managed Blockchain," along with any #reinvent sponsors who are Platinum tier and above.

Introducing "Amazon Code Guru!"

@acloudguru: "I'm sorry, what now?"

It does automatic code review. Now a robot can "LGTM, ship it!" without reading anything you've done. Bay Area Lazy Developers, welcome to the national conversation about job automation!

#reinvent

And @brendangregg's Flame Giraffes make an appearance! #reinvent

"Introducing Amazon Contact Lens for Amazon Connect!"

...okay, @awscloud. That's a great service name.

#reinvent

It empowers you to be one hell of a micromanaging douchecanoe to the poor folks working in your call center. #reinvent

Oh my god. #reinvent

They actually *did it*! #awswishlist granted! #reinvent

https://twitter.com/quinnypig/status/1171984335458619392

My top Kendra integration requests: Notion, Asana, Slack backscroll, G-suite, Google Docs, Dropbox, my shell history, and Route 53. #reinvent

I love this service's promise.

I'm saddened to report that the #reinvent house band is back with The Doors: "Break On Through."

I want an Alexa skill which is just @ajassy reading song lyrics. #awswishlist #reinvent

A mention of VMware on AWS just now for the "slap your VMs into AWS and call it cloud" set. #reinvent

BREAKING: @awscloud Outposts is now generally available!

Start at $7K a month. They install it myself.

I want to order one for my home office, demand @anliguori install it personally, and then refer to it as my Amazon Inpost. #reinvent

If anyone would like me to attend / livetweet their @awscloud Outposts installation, my DMs are open. #reinvent

Now announcing @awscloud Local Zones ("Is that like Osaka-Local?" "No."). Available by invitation only in Los Angeles.

Relatedly I'm pleased to announce I'm moving to LA early next year to be closer to my AWS Local Zone. #reinvent

And the CEO of Verizon shows up on stage to talk about what 5G is. "It's better than any G we've seen before" is an actual literal quote, likely because he can't say "it's hyped up marketing horseshit." #reinvent

Meanwhile AT&T just changed their iPhone indicator to read "5G" and called it a day because they're clowns except bad at it. #reinvent

My upload speeds are struggling here (the WiFi isnt great) so I'm using Verizon's LTE network. It's a bit laggy too. When he's done selling a vision of a future yet to pass can he maybe fix that? #reinvent

Announcing AWS Wavelength. They've shoved infra into cell company locations. #reinvent

I'll bet you a house it's Outposts at all of these places. Telcos leak like sieves; I can't see AWS giving internal builds to them willingly. #reinvent

This is genius on @awscloud's part. They simultaneously position themselves as the default cloud for 5G projects, but leave the risk to the telcos. Their risk exposure themselves is "a bunch of racks of hardware" and little else. #reinvent

"We couldn't have picked a better partner than @verizon" says @ajassy.
"...because the telco companies are all horrifying nonsense clown shows" didn't say @ajassy. #reinvent

One more release didn't make the #reinvent keynote: Compute Optimizer. I have thoughts!

lastweekinaws.com/blog/with-comp…

This concludes this livetweet thread. If you enjoyed it, I have a weekly sarcastic newsletter at lastweekinaws.com. See you at #reinvent!

Oh, and if you want to talk to other #reinvent folks on Slack: slackhatesthe.cloud is the invite link.