1. One of the most precious gifts that Texas gives its residents is identity. Live here long enough, Texans will let you wear the uniform, and learn you to do it properly.
2. Texas Republicans have built a political stronghold. Hispanics will soon outnumber whites. This will be an epic battleground state.
3. Nobody who has actually stood on the banks of the Rio Grande honestly believes you can wall the border. But plenty of ‘em think that it’s a shame they you can’t.
4. A Texan pastime is to think of new ways to adore Willie Nelson, and yet he remains underrated.
5. The quality of the Tex-Mex is inversely proportional to the fanciness of the menu. The best has no menu, either because they only serve 3 items, or because the taco truck just has a chalkboard.
6. The risk culture of oil exploration will, in the very long term, be more valuable to Texas than the oil reserves. And the oil reserves are pretty damn valuable.
7. Texas crude oil smells sour, sulfur, sickly sweet, delicious.
8. Real Texas chili has beans. (🖕)
9. Texas politics is a masterpiece of gerrymandering.
10. From my doorway in Austin to a campsite at Big Bend National Park is about 8 hours. “The sun is rise, the sun is set, and we is still in Texas yet.” Always worth the drive.
11. Yes, many Texans support a border wall, but keep in mind that they would also support a wall to keep out Oklahomans. You’d probably also get some nods for a containment perimeter around College Station.
12. Keep an eye on any relic, institution or symbol that a culture works hard to preserve and revere. The icon of Texas history is the Alamo.
As usual, the important history of a place is learned by listening to the songs of its bards. Townes Van Zandt, Guy Clark, Lyle Lovett, Steve Fromholtz, Robert Earl Keen &
Bruce Robison are a few for Texas.
Bruce Robison are a few for Texas.
14. Anyone wanting to understand Texas should read Goodbye to a River by John Graves. Well, you should read it anyway.
15. The stars tonight are, in fact, big and bright.
16. I might be the only native-born Texan male whose first truck is a cybertruck.
17. Reports that Austin is the only diverse city in Texas are false. This is just where liberals make trouble.
18. There is no reason you should aspire to be in Waco.
19. The most you can expect from a Texas wine is, “This’ll do.”
20. With only the warm Gulf Coast near us, Texans are more careful about seafood. My food from the Bangkok street vendor is made more delicious by the salty fear of intestinal parisites.
21. Texas women are beautiful.
22. I’ve never heard of a seriously proposed law or regulation that would have any affect on Texas gun culture. Much of the resistance to regulation is people laughing at the naïveté of the proposed regulations.
23. Yes, you should probably move to Austin.
24. Friday Night Lights was an accurate portrayal of Texas high school football in the late 80s. I suspect it is still pretty accurate.
25. Texas accent is distinguishable from other southern accents by the presence of the strong “R,” probably due to Spanish influence.
26. When playing golf in West Texas, you don’t wade into the rough after your ball. Rattlesnakes.
27. The novel that best captures the Texas spirit is The Time It Never Rained by Elmer Kelton.
28. Beer in Texas is served as close to freezing as possible. Those of you who have lived through a summer here know why.
29. Growing up in West Texas, I learned about anti-Semitism but honestly thought it ended with WWII. It wasn’t until I went to college in the northeast that I actually saw it.
30. The proper way to make a margarita is equal parts tequila, Cointreau and lime juice. No sweetener. (Kind of Texas-related?)
31. Real cowboys take off their hats at the table. The guys in the Impossible Whopper commercials are posers.
32. Real Texans don’t quit at 31.
32. OK that didn’t count ...
32. Texas BBQ is different across the state. West TX (where I’m from) is more marinade & grill. Central gets some dry rub. East (eg Austin, my fav) is smoked slow & low, but it is all about the sauce. German/Czech influenced, like Kreuz’s in Lockhart. Yum.
33. The Texas stereotype completely misses the German influence, which is particularly strong in East Texas. At a bar in Fredericksburg (an hour outside Austin), I heard a guy sing Up Against The Wall Redneck in old German/Texan dialect.
34. The song is “Up Against The Wall Redneck Mother” by Ray Wylie Hubbard, the iconic recording of which is Jerry Jeff Walker singing live in Luckenbach (sound German?) Texas.
35. The Texan stereotype as presented in movies etc is usually some mix of true and boring.
36. If you get the chance, go see a Texas rodeo. Don’t tell anyone that it is your first one.
37. “Texan” is like a musical flavor. Perhaps dominant in country, but add a dash to blues (Stevie Ray, Guy Forsyth) or rock (ZZ, Bob Schneider) for greatness.
38. Tech boom/bust cycles are glacial compared to the oil boom/busts that happened in Midland, TX when I was a kid. I knew people who were rich & broke several times over.
39. When it is boom time in the oil patch, everyone knows it won’t last forever, but everyone pretends that it will. Might sound familiar.
40. Fracking meant that oil fields discovered in the 1940s were ripe again for drilling and new production. The boom is huge right now.
41. One of the chemicals used for fracking is a strong laxative. Oil field workers have been known to sneak it into each others’ drinks as a joke.
42. The portable office of a Halliburton oil well drilling operating team looks like a small NASA mission control.
43. West Texas is semiarid desert. Trees are mostly mesquite & about waist-high. No mountains or hills. Climb up on a tank & lay on your back, and you see nothing but sky. Spectacular sunrises, sunsets and meteor showers.
44. If you have any rhythm whatsoever, I can teach you how to do the Texas two-step in 3 minutes 21 seconds.
45. When dancing the two-step, always drag your feet. It is the way the dance is done, and you won't step on your partner's toes. Cowboy boots have slick leather soles (to get you into a stirrup quickly) that are good for sliding. This is why dance halls have sawdust on the floor
46. Cowboy boots aren't comfortable at all if you're not used to high heels. They're made for riding, not for walking. "Ropers" have low heels & are more comfortable for a first pair. (Calf ropers have to jump off the horse & run to tie the calf.)
47. The most common rookie Texan mistake is to go buy a pair of boots & wear them with your slim cut 501s. Lyle Lovett sings about it:
So won't you let me help you mister
Just pull your hat down the way I do
And buy your pants just a little longer
So won't you let me help you mister
Just pull your hat down the way I do
And buy your pants just a little longer
48. The coolest people on earth might be rodeo clowns. Watching one throw himself in front of an angry bull to protect a cowboy is incredible.
49. You can tell a West Texas dust storm is coming because the sky turns brown. When it hits, the sand in the air stings. Exposed skin feels sandblasted. My college roommate came back with me for Spring Break & was amazed to see real tumbleweeds.
50. A good custom-made cowboy hat will stay on your head even in a dust storm.
I don’t think that intolerance/racism is any different (in character) than in other southern states. I suspect there are better & worse, but there’s no Texas bigot type.
52. My public high school US History textbooks taught that the Civil War was fought over states’ rights and economics, not slavery. My son takes high school US History next year. I’m stockpiling cans of whoopass like a prepper.
53. If there is no conflict between what you are taught and what the people around you believe, it is very rare that you will discover a conflicting fact, or want to believe it if you do. Strong tribal atmospheres like Texas make it even more rare for those who take it seriously.
54. Generalizations about Texas racism from a gen X white dude living in Austin should be evaluated with extreme caution.
55. Texas spring wildflowers are fantastic. The TX Dept of Transportation seeds the medians & sides of highways & changes mowing rules to preserve them.
56. Fields of bluebonnets are perfect habitats for fire ants. Parents love to take their baby portraits in bluebonnet fields. Results predictable.
57. Growing up in West Texas and then going to college in New Hampshire, the biggest culture shock was no eye contact, nod, “Howdy” when encountering a stranger. The biggest overall shock was winter.
58. It is this outward kindness to strangers that earns Texas the first half of “the friendliest people & the prettiest women you ever seen.” Maybe less apparent in the big cities, but a yankee in a small Texas town will wonder why everyone is so damn nice.
59. Texas hospitality is also good, but not the best in the world. Greece, at least, has us beat.
60. The Texas death penalty is horribly inefficient and expensive. Whether you’re a bleeding heart or a tough-on-crime hardhead, the death penalty makes no sense.
61. In Texas public schools, they say the Pledge of Allegiance, and then a separate one for Texas: "Honor the Texas flag; I pledge allegiance to thee, Texas, one state under God, one and indivisible." The “under God” was added in 2007.
62. Texas, because it was once an independent nation, is the only state that can fly its flag at a height equal to the US flag. This isn’t true, but boy do we like to say it.
63. Serving as a soldier in the Texas Revolutionary War didn’t pay much cash, but it earned you 320 acres of land per 3 months service, to a max of 1280 acres. Makes your stock option grants look kinda measly.
64. Texans have a flair for obscene metaphor. Any time you hear a Texan start a sentence with, “It’s colder ‘n a ...” brace yourself.
65. Wild hogs are a menace and a major problem in Texas. It is always hog hunting season. Guide operations have come up with all kinds of creative ways to hunt them: from helicopters, with night vision goggles, etc. They are nasty, smelly, tasty creatures.
66. Texas wind farms are cool. It is hard to understand how huge the windmills are until you’re right next to one, or until you see a single blade, several semi trucks long, being transported down the highway.
67. The world should listen to more Tejano music. A mix of pop, rock, mariachi, soul, and the Texas German polka sound. When I'm on a long drive across Texas and have control of the radio, I'm listening to the local Tejano station.
68. The conservative Texas state government is in constant battle with the liberal Austin government. Regardless of ideology, the City of Austin government is a disaster. If I were mayor, my first act would be to fire anyone not wearing a badge or a helmet and start over.
69. Looking for a group of people that you can target with derogatory jokes? Join the Texans in ganging up on the students & alumni of Texas A&M. The first joke I can remember hearing, and telling, was an Aggie joke. (How does an Aggie take a shower? He pees into the wind.)
70. Has the President committed offenses and planned and directed and acquiesced in a course of conduct which the Constitution will not tolerate? This is the question. We should now forthwith proceed to answer the question. -- Barbara Jordan (D-TX) Jul 25, 1974
71. Newbie-level Texas two-step is learning the steps. Barely harder than walking, except that one partner has to do it backwards. Then, the couple has to agree on who is leading and who is following. This is hilarious to watch. Some never figure it out. The dance is battle.
72. In beginner-level Texas 2-step, the leader learns to lead, and the follower how to follow. These are equally hard tasks.
73. TX Governor Ann Richards: “After all, Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels.”
74. In intermediate-level 2-step, the couple figures out that you can’t really spin around the floor unless the follower sometimes takes over, and the leader learns to yield at the right moment. Good dancers suddenly switch directions and start moving backwards as if one body.
75. In master-level 2-step, the only decision about who is leading that matters is who starts at the beginning of the song. The couple trades leads constantly. They dance like they’ve got eyes in the back of their heads, but they only seem to be looking at each other.
76. In God-level 2-step, the couple does this for 20 years. When people ask them how they do it, they honestly can’t answer. All they can do is show you the steps.
77. A big part of Texan identity is how we treat each other in public. “Etiquette” is the right word but way too damn French. Better “manners,” or “bein’ brought up right.”
78. Texas “manners,” like all old etiquette, depends on gender. The right way to greet, offer your hand to, walk beside, ascend or descend stairs, walk through doors with, and eat with someone depends on their gender. To sit before a lady is un-Texan.
79. When you change the meaning of gender, Texans lose the rules they were taught about how to interact with other people. They don’t know how to act anymore.
80. There are certainly Texans who are some combination of mean, ignorant, hurtful, homo/transphobic and misogynistic, and they shouldn’t be forgiven for that. But forgive Texans who are just awkward. We’re trying to learn a whole new dance.
81. In TX, you see TX flags everywhere. Businesses are named “Lone Star Mufflers/Karate/Gynecology.” Sizes are S, L and Texas Size. Trucks come in “Texas Edition.” I don’t know if, as a kid, I thought all states were this state-patriotic, or if I thought Texas was special.
82. I went to school in the northeast, and all of the Texas shit was there too, to a lesser degree but crazy. A friend from Massachusetts took me to his dorm room to show off the TX flag he ordered for his wall. (Alas, it was the Puerto Rico flag 🇵🇷.) This is a strange experience
83. Away from home for the first time, being Texan was a gift. I wasn’t “nobody;” I was “the guy from Texas.” Like many things “Texan,” I acted slightly less Real Texan and slightly more Hollywood Texan when I left the state. We do the dance we think others want to see.
84. A cultural identity is a crutch. There’s no shame in leaning on one when you need it, but you’re better off when it is gathering cobwebs in the garage.
85. The kids these days don’t even care who shot JR.
86. The TV show Dallas deserves a reboot. Netflix make it happen.
87. The greatest country song ever written is “Angry All The Time” by Bruce Robison (the version from his album Wrapped)
88. The worst country song ever written is a tie between most country songs produced after 1998.
89. Stay the hell away from South Padre Island during Spring Break. Unless you’re in college, in which case get your ass there.
90. Take my margarita recipe from above, but substitute mescal for the tequila and put tajín on the rim instead of salt. Yum.
91. While at Mi Tierra in San Antonio, after your huevos rancheros don’t forget to buy a bag of more pastries & dulces than you can possibly eat, and then eat it all.
92. Most of what you need to know about Dallas is in the song “Dallas” by the Flatlanders.
93. If you’re ever in Waco, have a burger at Health Camp. Then get the hell back on the highway.
94. At Billy Bob’s in Ft Worth, they used to sell a drink called the Wild Bull Rider: double shot of Yukon Jack Whiskey & Jose Cuervo. They gave you a button if you could keep it down.
95. Mexican food at Joe T Garcia’s followed by country music in the Ft Worth Stockyards is as real Texan as it gets.
In Austin, it’s Matt’s El Rancho followed by the Broken Spoke. Do it ... trust me.
97. Urban Cowboy is a horrible movie, and John Travolta dances like a jackass in it.
98. Men’s boots should not be pointy. We call pointy boots “cockroach stompers” because you can get ‘em in the corners.
99. I killed a rattlesnake on a golf course with a 2-iron, then skinned it and made it into a hatband. Left my hat on the back of the couch, and my girlfriend’s dog chewed off the rattle. The only thing a 2-iron is good for is killing rattlesnakes.
💯 Texas, and especially Austin, is a great place to call home. If you’re smart, talented or decent, you should move here. Otherwise stay the hell out.
@vgr what do I get
