I typed up something and I’m gonna share here. Maybe not the perfect platform for thoughts like this but here goes...
I didn’t think I’d be sitting here on a Tuesday night crying because of a Twitter hashtag, but here we are. #girldad, you got me.
The stories and interviews that have come out since the helicopter accident have been heartbreaking yet wonderfully done. Shoutout to @elleduncanESPN in particular for her Kobe anecdote that kicked off the #girldad trending topic.
One video that affects me the most is Kobe’s interview on Kimmel where he tells stories of fans asking him “when are you gonna have a boy? You gotta carry on the legacy!”
They said this while Gigi was by his side, and she said “nah I got this.” His pride in his daughters and being a #girldad was so fucking awesome.
so....
In the nearly seven years since our boy William has passed, Jillian and I have each changed jobs a couple times and moved to a different state. So naturally, we have new people in our lives who don’t know about him.
“How many kids do you have?”
Two, I reply...because saying three means getting into a conversation I wasn’t planning on having in the fucking break room.
Two, I reply...because saying three means getting into a conversation I wasn’t planning on having in the fucking break room.
“Ten and four, whoa they’re pretty far apart in age” and “are you gonna try again for a boy?” are things both of us have heard from multiple people, all who mean well. It ain’t their fault. But it’s crushing. Every time.
I could say, “we have a son named William and he passed away” but it always feels like it has to be the right time and place. But guess what, those times and places never sprout up in normal conversations with co-workers or neighbors.
And then I feel like shit for not acknowledging William’s existence because I might find it awkward. Shit sucks.
When Jillian was pregnant with Harper, we didn’t find out the gender ahead of time. I was hoping it was a girl, not necessarily because I wanted another girl but because I was afraid that if we had a boy I would see in that boy everything that William could have been.
Selfishly, I wasn’t prepared for that.
When the baby was a girl, my first thought was one of relief. But that was immediately followed by a wave of shame. Why should I be “relieved” that baby number 3 was a girl because if it was a boy it would be a sad comparison?
She was a healthy and beautiful baby girl and my thoughts should be joy rather than relief.
Harper has grown into a wonderful, spirited young girl, just like her older sister. And I couldn’t imagine life any other way.
I process grief in a different way than I used to. When I heard the Kobe news I was shocked, but I wasn’t truly impacted on a personal level until hearing all the stories about Kobe the father.
And I am gutted for Vanessa and their three surviving girls having to grow up without a husband, father and sister.
I am a #girldad and I am fiercely proud of that fact. I also love and miss my baby boy every day.
