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Out with my son. Sent him into a candy store with a couple bucks.

Comes back and tells me he had been a little short, thought the owner had said “It’s okay.” and turned to leave.

Owner accused him of trying to steal something and told him to not come back.

1/
So I go in all friendly-like...

Explain to the guy that it had been my son who had just run in while I waited outside and there had been a misunderstanding.

Guy acts like a dick. So, I walk out frustrated.

2/
Son: What happened?

Me: The guy was just a jerk.

Son: Whatever. I’m sure kids try to steal from him.

Me: No, it’s not over. I have a plan.

Son: What are you going to do?

Me: First I have to get my hands on 100,000 Africanized honeybees and see if they have a mail slot.
Son: 👀

Me: 😂🤣😂

Son: 😂🤣😂

Sometimes you just gotta laugh. What else can you do.

So, anyway, where can I score some bees?
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More from @HoarseWisperer see all

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The Hoarse Whisperer
@HoarseWisperer
Trump delivering an unscripted address.

Opens with nonsensical hyperbole delivered with the intonation of your drowsy uncle talking to himself while he pees in your backyard despite the full family picnic occurring feet away.

1/
Babyfingers now mixing an intoxicated butchery of grammar, syntax and vocabulary with what is supposed to be sober news.

“I am declaring a national emergency. Those are two very big words.”

No, they really aren’t. I mean, in letter count they get you nice points in Scrabble...
Fuckopotamus now doing that thing he does when he has only newly heard of a concept minutes before being tasked with speaking about it.

“TELEHEALTH! A fairly new thing...”

The guy is an Irish setter of duncehood. Points to his own stupidity.
Read 23 tweets
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The Hoarse Whisperer
@HoarseWisperer
Simplified, what the federal government did yesterday was make available $1.5 trillion dollars to buy back the government’s own debt from banks.

It is sort of like offering to buy back your own mortgage.

You wouldn’t be “handing out” anything.

1/ Image
If you said to your bank “Hey, I owe you a lot of money which you can collect in the future or I can give you cash for it now” you aren’t *giving* them anything.

Paying your bills faster isn’t a handout.

2/
Bernie either doesn’t know what he is talking about or is lying on purpose for political purposes.

Neither is super helpful in the midst of a crisis where we already can’t trust the rhetoric out of the president.

3/3
Read 5 tweets
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The Hoarse Whisperer
@HoarseWisperer
Sat down with my mom this morn to talk about corona preparedness. She was widowed years ago. Lives on a modest fixed income.

I was trying to console her about not watching her retirement fund. “Long term, things come back, mom.” I said.

She started crying...

1/
Told me it had already wiped out years of future withdrawals.

I tried to brightside it by pointing out that this too shall pass.

She buoyed a little bit but this is weighing on her with an existential dread. A weight I cannot lift.

2/
The crisis is the crisis. Public health is paramount. We have vulnerable lives to protect and people to care for.

In parallel though, we also have real people’s real lives being plunged into deep distress and anxiety due to nothing other than Trump’s incompetent mishandling.

3/
Read 4 tweets

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So he did hear Yoongi correctly the first time.
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💫 kelsey @ too many wips
@LionessNapping
(a #sheith mer AU for #mermay feat. mer!keith and human!shiro)

Keith waits behind his normal cluster of rocks for the human to come into the cove. He's not supposed to be this close to shore, much less at the surface, but the sky has always called to him.
The man who comes to swim in the sheltered cove every other day calls to him too.

Keith bites down on his bottom lip, sharp teeth digging in as he cranes his head, watching the shore path. There's a smaller group of rocks closer in that he could potentially hide behind.
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