Thread by @stribrooks

I cannot in good conscience put off watching Tiger King any longer.

*jaw hits floor*

There was a tiger rampage in my hometown a few years back.

TURN YOUR CAMERAS UPON ZANESVILLE, COWARDS!

It only took 33 minutes!!!!!

Excuse me sir, *I* will be the judge of what’s ten times worse than Zanesville.

I’m sure everything will be fine.

I’m starting to suspect that everything is NOT going to be fine.

I cannot believe this is only episode 1

One missing limb accounted for!

If you aren’t cool with tigers eating your limbs, the media wins.

Can someone offer me assurances about the future health and safety of this wiener dog?

We’ve reached the Suitcases Full of Cocaine stage of the narrative.

*jaw crashes through floor and into the unit below*

The most shocking thing about this wedding is how few tigers they incorporated into the ceremony.

How many bottle of wine does it require, on average, to make it through all seven episodes?

Oh God, nobody warned me there would be singing

Don’t look at me like that, dog. It’s raining on my pandemic. I NEED THIS.

Stella is competing for attention against Tiger King. Stella’s gonna LOSE.

We’ve reached the Maybe Somebody Killed Her Husband And Fed Him To The Tigers stage of the narrative and frankly I’m surprised it’s taken this long.

It’s like somebody put dozens of true crime documentaries in a blender with some Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom and optioned it to Netflix

Stella! No! We cannot go for a walk until I find out what this guy’s whole deal is!

OK. FINE. We’ll go for a quick walk.

My new roadmap for life is to ask myself “What would absolutely anyone featured in the hit documentary ‘Tiger King’ do in this situation?” Then do the opposite of that.

The system works!

How on earth did Tiger King get hold of the cat lady’s diary?

This episode is a murder mystery wrapped in a Maury Povich episode wrapped in a liger.

I like the merry way the cat lady laughs while discussing the hypotheticals of running one’s husband through a meat grinder.

“Those who do things in a certain way, whether on purpose or ‘accidentally,’ get rich!”

I was warned.

https://twitter.com/willdammann/status/1244007163007287296

There is SO MUCH MORE SINGING in this documentary than I anticipated.

We’ve reached the Dressing An Inflatable Sex Doll Like Your Mortal Enemy stage of the narrative.

Inflatable Carole, NOOOOO

Joe Exotic’s inflatable doll budget must have been outrageous.

Oh nooo, why did they have to drag bunnies into it?

ARSON AND ALLIGATOR ASSASSINATION!

You have to wonder what sort of strain these events put on Joe Exotic’s marriages.

Poor Mom Exotic. :(

We’ve reached the Smuggling Tiger Cubs In Louis Vuitton Luggage point in the narrative.

I can’t even focus on Joe Exotic’s presidential campaign because I’m too distracted by the horrifying revelations about his pizza ingredients.

NOW I remember where I’ve seen that hair before!

Brief interlude while I reassure the dog that this thunderstorm isn’t coming for her.

May also briefly consider all the wholesome things I could have done with the past four hours.

The Walmart ammo clerk who ran Joe Exotic’s gubernatorial campaign is the most competent person we’ve met so far.

I take that back. The most competent character we’ve met is this liger.

Good job, liger! We’re all counting on you!

I was WONDERING what happened to the other husband and also happened to the other-other husband’s teeth.

Spoiler alert:

Please tell me episode seven is all about getting this poor pumpkin to a dentist.

*jaw drops through the molten core of the earth and emerges on the other side of the planet*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

WHAT????

No! This is not the time to break into song, Joe Exotic!

If Joe Exotic is going to have another wedding with 33% fewer grooms, he could have at least invited a few tigers.

Looking forward to finding out who this tiger ends up eating.

Panicked, thinking Joe Exotic got 19% of the vote in Oklahoma’s 2018 gubernatorial election.

But it was just Joe coming in last in the Libertarian field, whew.

I was about to hit pause and do literally anything but watch the hit documentary Tiger King.

Then they stuffed another tiger in a suitcase.

I’ve come too far to turn back now.

Tyger Tyger burning bright
In a backhoe the other night

Oof. I need to stretch and rest my brain and air out my eyeballs.

I’ll just leave this Joe Exotic campaign condom here as a placeholder.

*deep breath*

Two more episodes to go.

You can do this, me.

When last we left Joe Exotic, he’d spent all his money on lawsuits and campaign condoms; set several fires to throw the feds off his tail; then went on the lam with as many tigers as he could hawk.

And now he is singing farewell to his tigers. Those poor poor tigers.

I was promised murder for hire and Joe Exotic does not disappoint.

(Actually, Joe Exotic disappoints on every level and at every opportunity, but as a documentary subject, hoo boy does he deliver.)

At the start of every #mnleg session, Strib reporters used to place bets on what shocking unforeseen thing would derail the smooth flow of legislative business that year.

I always guessed murder for hire.

It never ended up being murder for hire.

Lemurs are leverage!

Honestly, I’ve seen worse mug shots.

Of all the criminals, I like incompetent criminals who post their intentions on Facebook and grant tons of jailhouse interviews the best.

I love this stupid documentary so much, you guys.

Joe Exotic: The Absolute Worst

This poor man just wanted to pat a bear and the next thing you know, he’s involved in a federal murder-for-hire plot and being forced to wear pants.

Is this foreshadowing? There’s only about 30 minutes left, but that feels like enough time for a lion rampage.

Honestly, I was expecting more terrible people to be behind bars or in the belly of a liger by this point in the narrative.

Ride on, lemur smuggler!

The wiener dogs made it! The wiener dogs made it all the way to the final episode!! True survivors! The heroes we need right now!!!

Looking forward to the follow-up documentary: Wiener King.

Is that Babe the Blue Ox? Try to keep your Babe tattoos north of the boxers, guys.

Two chimps got a sort-of happy ending? That’s something.

Gah! I should have known it would end like this!

That was A LOT.