Something I wish more people would realise is how alienating it is to be poor/broke when you have financially stable/comfortable friends.
I can't count the number of events I've turned down because I couldn't afford gifts, transport, or a meal. I often make up excuses at the last minute (e.g. "the kids are sick").
I've lost friends because I couldn't afford to attend their weddings overseas or even in different cities.
Birthday parties, baby showers, weekend trips, even just going out for a meal... These things cost money and some people won't be able to afford it.
And your friends won't necessarily tell you that's why they can't make it. Do you know how embarrassing that is? To say you don't have $10 spare? Receiving pity does not feel good, so people lie. And their excuses can seem weak which may be interpreted as dismissive or rude.
Please take this into account when inviting friends to things. Try to make your events more (financially) accessible. And try not to take declined invitations so personally. Notice when your friends seem to consistently turn down events which cost money.
Give your friends alternatives to catch up with you. Perhaps somewhere more local. Somewhere less expensive. Offer to pick them up/drop them off. Host things at your place. Cook food together.
For weddings, birthdays etc. write "no gifts please" on your invitations. People who can and want to give you something still will. But it gives an out to people who can't. Or ask for donations to a certain cause where people can contribute what they can afford (anonymously).
Never suggest splitting a bill equally amongst a group of friends. People will order and pay for what they can afford. Don't spontaneously suggest things that cost more money and put people on the spot.
If a friend leaves an event early consider that it might be for financial reasons. Don't make a big deal out of it, especially in front of others. Make sure they can get home safely. Offer to pay for their taxi/bus/uber.
If you decide on a venue with a cover charge, pay theirs so that they aren't suddenly split up from the group. Never suggest buying 'rounds' of drinks. Don't mock friends for drinking water or non-alcoholic drinks (for any reason).
If you haven't seen a friend in a while, ask if you can visit. Offer to bring food so that they don't get stressed about not being able to provide something. Make them feel like you value their friendship. Check on their well-being.
This is bringing up a lot of painful memories for me so I'm gonna stop here. I might add to this later ❤
One more thing: it does not matter how much notice you give people about upcoming occasions. Some people will never be able to afford things within your timeframes. It's not for want of trying.
Related thread:
I hate even having to explain this stuff but that's the world we live in 🤷
Another thread:
Thread:
Also:
And:
Relevant (mega) thread:
Finally:
Lmao at all the people telling me there's a Friends episode about this. A WHOLE episode on being broke?! I have decades of experience, lol. Somehow I don't think we have the same struggles 😂😂😂
And all the people saying "just get new friends!"... I hear you but, you've heard of social anxiety right? And depression? And the aforementioned brokeness? Privilege and/or ignorance is a lot more widespread than you think!
Me: I'm feeling alienated from my friends because XYZ...
Y'all: They're not your real friends! Dump them!
Me: So... alienate myself?
Y'all: They're not your real friends! Dump them!
Me: So... alienate myself?
Forgot about this thread!
