Thread by @pptsapper

Oh hotdamn, y'all. Know what today is? Another bleeding war no one knows about because no one died in it but hey, it's a damn fuckin war and so we gotta chat bout this shit, ok?

So, it's 1839 and all, and 19yo Maine is all adolescent and wants to declare war on Canada

Yup yup

Right. So. Remember the War of 1812? That was a thing, you know. Like, a thing. And then there was the treaty of Ghent which was supposed to solve all the shit that the Treaty of Paris on 1783 hadnt been able to workout, prolly cause John Jay was lit af. But it didn't.

Well, it did solve some of the stuff but it couldn't really figger out that whole border between New Brunswick and Massachusetts. Britain thought the border went way lower, the US thought it went way higher. Predictably, everyone moves into the space in between. Figures

So you're probably wondering what the hell actually exists in that spot, and the answer is: trees. That's all. And at that time, trees were a pretty good commodity because Britain has used up theirs and the US was in the Navy buildin' business. So trees were pretty hot rn

To make matters worse, Maine has just become a state in 1820 and was flexing that state muscle but Massholes were still Massholing around because money and land, that's why. So now you've got all these people, an international border dispute, & trees.

Shit is TENSE.

Suddenly it's 1830 and it's census tiiiiiime. off people go to the border to take a census. But New Brunswick militia catch wind and are like "aw hell naw" and start threatening to arrest people. So the Mainers complain.

Enter KING WILLIAM I of the Netherlands

Yeah I said it

Shit is just so ABSOLUTELY FARKED that the US and Britain are like "ok, sure bring in an unbiased mediator." And that's King Willy. Bill looks at maps. And more maps. And MORE maps.

In 1831, Bill is like "aw fuck" and gives up, drawing a line halfway between the contested points

Brits are cool with it. Maine & the US haven't given up on their secret lust for Canada & turn it down

Maine does another census in 1836, which New Brunswick opposes & starts arresting people. Maine takes umbrage & basically says it's being invaded

Cooler heads do not prevail

Ok so in the meantime, the lumberjacks are jacking lumber up and down the St John River valley and the Aroostook river, never minding who owns which trees. Which of course is insane, trees MUST be owned.

The sap is about to boil

So by December, the excrement was piling up against the oscillating device. And now enter William Eaton. Remember him? Barbary Wars? Shores of Tripoli? Army officer frocked Navy officer to lead the Marines at Derna? No? Well. Eaton owned land up north

And when Canadian lumberjacks began timbering his land, his militia turned out and THINGS GET INTERESTING because now there's militias opposing each other and shit is getting frosty and fingers are on triggers and then

A bear attacks

Not even shitting you

Everyone freaks out and shoots the bear and runs away.

But this is a big deal, and so now Maine is like "OUR HONOR" and sends up militia and a land agent

Who New Brunswick promptly arrests

Kids, this is how wars started in the olden times

So more Maine militia show up and the commander of the New Brunswick militia goes to tell them to disperse

So they take *him* prisoner

This is getting monotonous, I know. But this is what happens on about this day in 1839

Within a week, everything is headed towards war

How much of a war? All of Maine mobilizes, US regulars are alerted, New Brunswick militia man the border, British regulars from the Indies are inbound...looks like it's time FOR REVWARIII

At this point, the US and Britain step in and are like whoa whoa whoa what now, even though Congress keeps all its cards hidden, with 50,000 troops ready to call and $10 million available to POTUS if the Brits cross the border

But the US now sends Winfield Scott to sort things

Winny Scott arrives in time to see 5-10,000 Maine militiamen mobilizing and marching north, probably mounted on moose and carrying lobsters or some shit, and is like "ok, let's talk this out."

He manages to convince everyone to chill out and send the militia home.

Regulars from the 1st US Artillery take over the border watch and learn how to drink while watching trees, until 1842 when the Webster-Ashburton treaty chills everything out and settles it forever

Hahahahahahahaha no

That's not how borders work. They're STILL arguing bout bits

But the US managed to prevent Maine from invading Canada, over trees

Which is a sentence no one would ever expect

But yeah, that's the Aroostook War. And this has been #drunjhistory

Yeah. Drunj.