Thread by @pptsapper

GATHER ROUND CHILDREN I have story to tell. I've dug into the gin and I've got a few things I wanna talk about

Namely. That one time in 1775 that Benny Arnold decided that he was totes gonna take Canada. By walking through the GODDAM BACKWOODS OF MAINE

thread obvs
#drunjhistory

Ok. So. This one time, in 1775, there was this thing. Called like, a revolution or something. Shit went down at Lexington. Major shit went down at Concord. And then on June 17, some colossal shit went down on Breeds Hill. You're tracking, right?

Shit. Going. Down.

This whole goddam thing is popping off and the Continental Congress starts forming up and they wave their magic founding father wands and make an Army outta thin air and give it to George "I fucked up at Fort Neccesity" Washington. Georgie runs off to Boston to meet his army

Georgie gets to Boston and suddenly realizes OH FUCK I NEED SOME STRATEGY OR SHIT but it's all good, because this is America, where everyone thinks they're a goddam general and in 1775 you basically could be

Anyways, the basic theme of the day is HOT FOR CANADA

CONTEXT HERE: the British Colonies of North America have literally always been hot for Canada. Like, war after war after watr after fucking war just to get that sweet maple syrup reserve. THEN in the 7 Years War, Brits finally take Canada and the colonies are all like

Oh but there's kinda a problem. In 1774, Parliament passes the Fucking Quebec Act. Ok, it was just the Quebec Act but whatevs. Now. You gotta realize, the proddy colonists fought for seven years to unseat those dirty Papists and MAKE AMERICA PROTESTANT AGAIN

like for real

All those colonists, running off to serve in the war to cleanse the continent of the "mother of harlots" - yes, that's for real a thing and it's also the name of my sex tape - and to overturn the goddam antichrist. I mean you can't make this shit up.

The colonies be like

Well, in 1774, to calm shit down in Canada, because Quebec was getting ROWDY, Parliament was like, "yo, do your papist thing, babies, and have some self determination while you're at it" and the colonies lost their godsdamned minds and basically this shit kicked off.

Meanwhile back in Bahstahn, GW is listening to Grand strategy from like everywhere and of course they're gonna invade Canada, it's just gonna happen. An expedition sets out under Phil Schuyler, pronounced Skyler because he was such a prat.

But this shit is a buddy comedy, because he's got Richard Montgomery with him to help out. Monty used to be a redocat hisself, even tho he's Irish, but topped out at captain and decided to be a farmer or shit. So naturally, the Continental Congress makes him a brigadier general

Off Schuyler and Monty go, up Lake Champlain aka the motor speedway for people invading Canada for a century. And GW is like, "yis, I got this shit on lock." And then this dude from Connecticut shows up & is all, "yo, remember me? I took fort Ticonderoga & shit? Me? Benny?"

And GW is like "uh, yeah, Benny, sure" like we all do when we've got no fucking clue who this dude is but Arnold dgaf cause he's pissed that Skyler got to go army in Canada and he didn't because let's be honest, Benny had already done a shit ton for the Patriot cause

Benny Arnold wasn't really a soldier, he was a wealthy as fuck merchant, but hey, that means he knows logistics, right? HAHAHAHA ok sorry no spoilers. Anyways. Benny wants his own expedition so that way he can go from colonel to brigadier general and EGO MUCH BENNY?

So Arnold shoes a map to GW and is like, "see, I could just march up through here and come in on Quebec City and surprise the shit outta them" and GW is like "yeah, you totes could"

Narrator: no, they bloody goddam well couldn't

Arnold gathers his force of 1100 men and sets off from Newburyport in September - because that's when you invade Canada - and takes some dope ass ships up the coast and up the Kennebec River into Maine which at the time was basically a goddam bowling Wilderness full of wilderness

Howling. Fuck.

Anyways. Arnold debarks and goes to his dude who was building boats for him. Arnold wanted 200 boats. Bateauxs or some shit. The dude had two weeks to build them. He did. Outta green wood. Which ain't good. Not enough nails either. So they're kinda fucked

But Arnold is like the most eternal optimist of optimists and he's like ,"it's cool dude, it's all good, let's go to Canada" meanwhile his recon party comes back, goddam starving and fainting, which shoulda been a hint but Benny was from Connecticut and you KNOW how that is

Arnold and his dudes set off in their shitty boats up the river and row UPSTREAM for many miles like so many fucking miles. Then they get out of the river and CARRY THEIR 400 LB BOATS 12 MILES and then turn around & walk back to carry their supplies 12 GODSAM MILES

But that's just the beginning because they begin portaging like a MOTHER carrying their boats everywhere and it's October and cold and rainy and they're in THE WILDERNESS OF MAINE WHICH IS BARREN AND EMPTY SO BASICALLY LIKE MAINE and then their supplies start to spoil

Now they've been rowing and marching uphill for a month or so and basically, things aren't great. Soldiers are beginning to have a little of the starvation problem. And it's cold because Maine, duh. And rainy. But Benny is like, "hey this could still work."

It's at this point that LTC Enos, in command of the trail of the expedition decides to take his ball and go home. And by ball, I mean, 400 troops and most of the remaining supplies. Yeaaaaahhhhh. That ain't great.

The rest of the expedition damns his eyes and whatnot & goes on

By November they've entered the "eating shoes" part of the expedition, as one does. And then they eat Henry Dearborn's dog which basically curses this whole thing. Around the time that they're starting to look at each other like "mmm, Donner Dinner Party" suddenly

Oh, and Benny's Casevac plan?? WALK YO ASS BACK TO BOSTON. I mean, it's A way. So like 600 troops stumble into Quebec and the Quebecoise are like "oh, hey, you look like shit, have some food" which Arnold was hoping would happen but is still shocked because prejudice is shite

So it's November which in Canada is fucking cold, obvs, and now they've got food but they're sitting outside Quebec City, all cold n shit, and Benny is like, "I'll just ask them to surrender, that should work" but he gets shot at. Twice. Sends kinda a strong message

MEANWHILE back in the army of people who aren't nutters, Schuyler gets all sick and stays home and Monty runs off and seizes Montreal and then heads off to join Benny, with clothes, which is good, becauses Benny's dudes are kind naked in addition to not having cannons

Problems

Now, the dude they're all fighting is a dude named Guy Carleton because of course it is. Guy is a straight up BAMF who's fought in all the wars and is also from Ireland. Oh. And he kinda authored the Quebec Act as the governor of Canada so this shit is all his fault

Guy escapes back to Quebec City and starts trying to recruit Quebecoise militia and they're like "meh " about the whole thing. But by now it's December and he's like "wharever, I've got food and walls and shit" which is what we all say when we're happy

Now at this point, Monty and Benny are freezing their asses off on the Plains of Abraham and try to set up some cannon. PROBLEM. back when the Brits took QC in 1759, they also set up batteries outside the walls. The dude who set them up? CARLETON

TWIST

So he's like "psh, amateurs" & starts shooting them all up & now Monty and Benny r like "we gotta take this fuckin city" and they kinda did because on January 1, lots of their troops turned into pumpkins aka their enlistments ran out & they'd begin running the Chaudiere 400 miles

For reference, that's like the Mogadishu Mile, but through swamps and over mountains and shit. So. Monty is like "we'll attack in a snowstorm, for surprise" overlooking the whole BLACK POWDER thing. But hey, nothing ventured, nothing fucking gained.

December 31, all of a sudden, the 1000 Continentals rush the city walls with a pretty solid plan. Which goes to shit because Monty doesn't do a leaders recon and runs into a cannon which leaves him fragmented over the landscape. His 2d in command is like "we out"

Then Arnold runs in and gets all wounded, making him more sympathetic and shit. But no one has any real idea what's going on because it's snowing and hey, it's the 1700s, and no one ever really knows wtf is happening

Company commanders be like

The attack basically breaks down in the lower city like a Ford Fiesta and no one is going anywhere. Carleton charges forward, takes lots of prisoners, and it's basically all fucked up and over.

Like a Ford Fiesta.

Had Monty not been canistered into bits, the attack might have actually worked. Quebec City might've been the land of McDonalds rather than poutine

I am SO glad we lost

Cause goddam do I love gravy on fries

American forces hang out until May 1776, like a dude that's been rejected but can't get the message, when a shit ton of British and Brunswicker troops arrive and then suddenly the Americans are like "woops left the oven on at fort Ticonderoga gotta go, how time flies"

We lose Montreal soon too because the people we left to manage it were dicks - WONDER WHERE THAT'S HAPPENED BEFORE HM

That was the last time we got to occupy Canada

Arnold gets passed over for promotion which eventually leads to traitoring so S1s, DO GOOD PERSONNEL MANAGEMENT

Carleton chases those silt Americans down Champlain where Benny builds a goddam navy out of nothing. It gets it's ass kicked, but does enough damage to keep Carleton in Canada all winter. Then Johnny Burgoyne shows up in 1777 and is like "I'm here to fuck shit up"

Well, Gentleman Johnny does fuck some shit up, or rather, he gets his shot all fucked up at Saratoga in 1777 where Danny Morgan, who got capture at Quebec, did some snipy snipington & sniped some shit. Saratoga is when France is like "ok these dudes know some shit, we shld help"

Ummmm sooooo gin is good. And stuff. But yes. This is all like "turning point of the war" and shit. Deep stuff. Ponder that. Yes.

My train of thought basically went off the rails and is drinking happily

Do trains drink?

This has been #drunjhistory

Don't invade Canada

Oh and this episode of #drunjhistory brought to you by the @BackRiverGin I was drinking, which is, ironically, from Maine, that place Benny Arnold tried to walk through

It's pretty damn good

Also, if it wasn't for Benedict Arnold, the Patriot cause wouldn't have made it past 1777

That should definitely be sobering

Unlike this gin

Which isn't.