Thread by @pptsapper

Sweet hell in a hand basket, what a day

There's a distinct possibility that y'all are gonna get hit with some drunk Navy history this evening

Welp. So. Hey there. Have had some @haymansgin, Navy Strength of course. Look. You seem sad. Lemme cheer you up

You ever hear bout that one time. That one time these guys like did this thing. With boats. Dammit. Capturing a boat. This isn't beginning well. ITS DECATUR, DAMMIT

Ok so it's 18fuckin03, and the US Navy consists of like two ships and a bucket. With a hole in it. Okay, maybe not that bad, but it ain't great. But hey, there are these pirate dudes. Like, all up in our shit. And we can't trade for shit in the Med because PIRATES DUDE

Why pirates? Because the Barbary states like to make that sweet cashola too, man. And they did this sweet insurance system where, like, if you paid them money, no pirates. Cool, right?

I mean, not if you're the US which is flat broke as shit after the RevWar and the QuasiWar

Oh, wahts the QuasiWar? Oh just this time we went to war with France but not totes to war, because the Revolutionary Govmt was kinda batshit cray, like ya do

Anyways, we did some Navy shooting on the oceans and stuff

It didn't come to all that much but damn, it got weird

Anyways, we broke af. We got like 1/5 of our GDP going to pay of some pirate countries all because SOME PEOPLE thought we should just do gunboats instead of a legit Navy. So anyways, we do some expeditions against these folks and by 1803 were getting kinda serious

So it's October 31 1803 and Captain William Bainbridge is cruising like a mothafucka off Tripoli in the 44 gun USS Philadelphia, just straight chillin, looking for a sweet sweet prize. Cause who don't love that prize money, ya know. Ka. Ching. Andways, he spots this ship

Bainbridge spots this Tripolitan ship and is like fuckit brah and takes chase into the harbor of Tripoli WITHLUT A PILOT and wouldn't ya know, he runs his ass onto a fuckin reef, like a total goober. So he's sitting there like oh, fuck. Cause, you know, he's stuck as shit

So Will, he's like trying to move this ship, kedging the shit outta anchors and moving guns and water and shit but SHE AIN'T BUDGING, YO. and now everyone's beginning to notice that this whole ass ship is stuck on a reef and Will is getting might nervous

A word abt dear Will

Will "oh fuck" Bainbridge has like, the worst luck in the whole ass US Navy of the early republic. He done struck his colors to the French, first dude to strike his colors from the US Navy which AINT GOOD, BOB. And THEN, the bashar of Tripoli straight humiliates the shit outta im

Like, Bainbridge shows up and is like, respect me. But the Bashar has his ship under his guns & is like, respect this total ass, bitch. And Bainbridge gotta respect dat ass. And gotta do whatever the Bashar wants. Which is just straight nasty. So. Bainbridge got issues, bae

And now he got one of our best ships all hung up on a reef, surrounded by angry pirates. And in a move that will be called in the future as a "total Bainbridge," he cuts holes in the hull, rigs it for demo, and surrenders

BUT

The Philly doesn't blow up. And doesn't sink. Oops

The Tripolitans straight refloat the Philly and heyyyyyy now they have all the US prisoners aaaaaand a 44 gun frigate which is basically the most embarrassing thing the US could have happen to it at the time

Everyone is laaaaughing at us harder than, well, you know

K, so. This bad. Commodore Edward "fuck off" Preble is PISSED OFF. and he meets up with Lieutenant Stephen "fuck you, I go where I want" Decatur, and they're like, we gotta retake the Philadelphia, which is now floating in goddam harbor in Tripoli under all sortsa guns

Bainbridge is sitting in captivity while Decatur and some other dudes hop in a captured ketch and r like "let's go fuck shit up" and get disguised as pirates and run off to Tripoli with a sailing master who does Sicilian things to get them close to the Philly in disguise

So now it's suddenly Feb 16 1804 because that's the way time works now. And it's nighttime and Decatur and his dudes are sneaking in the Philly and they get them to connect a cable dude to some Navy ruse or other and they're about to get close enough to board and then

Some pirate on the Philly is like AMERICANOS BRAHHHHHH and everyone freaks out and Decatur is like fuckit and hops on board and rushed in all saber flying and shit and everyone starts hand to handing all over the place, with pikes and sabers and shit

So the dudes like take over the Philadelphia with just one bro wounded and rig. That. Sucker. To. Burn. They then hop back on the ketch and are popping smoke when the legit smoke and fire from the burning frigate start pulling the ketch back in & that's a big old problem

But they manage to steer outta the flames and are like, oh, we clear, but they ain't, cause the pirates start shooting the SHIT outta everything. But they straight ass miss and Decatur gets free. Which is some insane good luck. And also, the Tripolitans couldn't shoot for shit

And you're like, ok, cool, he burns a ship. Whatever. Ya gotta understand. This is a HUGE DEAL. MEGA DEAL. The US population sorta loses its mind and gets all drunk in Decatur's honor which is all any of us ever want. And you'd be like, Congress should vote him the prize money

And everyone else thought so too but damn, Congress just gave everyone two months advance pay and gave Decatur a fancy sword.

For basically recovering US honor

I mean, Admiral Nelson off Toulon is like "THAT SHIT IS LIT, FUCKIN A" when he heard about Decatur's exploits

Meanwhile, Preble is like "we gotta do someshit about Tripoli" and decides to shell it into submission while attacking it with lots of small boats because smol boats can get all sneaky and plus some of them are from Sicily bc they're at war with Tripoli too & God it's weird

So fuck, man, it's August and the USS Constitution is there and is sexy as all fuckkkkk. Mmmm so FINE. BUT it's all bout those smol boats which go cruising in to engage all these big ships that come cruising out to scrap with the Americans and Sicilians.

So weird

So alll these boars are going in. No. Boats. Those boats are goin in & start fighting with Tripolis boats & ships, & it's going pretty well, straight CUTTIN the pirates down all hand to hand. And THEN Steve Decatur, after just taking a boat, gets told his little bro got waxed

James Decatur was about to board a Tripolitan ship that feigned surrender when he was shot. So Steve basically loses all of the shit he had left, runs after the ship that killed his bro, hops on board & goes for the biggest officer on board because he fuckin MAD dude

The officer has a pike and lunges at Steve who like "aw shit* and parries with saber, but breaks his sword. Which is a problem. Cause, swords are good. And the enemy officer is about to lop his head off, when a wounded seaman hops in the way & stops the stroke - and LIVES

The enemy officer then plops on top of Decatur with a dagger and Steve is like "welp had a good run" before he remembers that it IS a pistol in his pocket, he's not just happy to see the enemy dude, so he draws it and shoots DOWNWARD thru the dudes back and kills him

Like wut

Steve survives this thing and holy hell, the Americans did some cray shit. Eventually, Tripoli is like "ok, y'all fuckers weird as shit, just chill" and gives in by 1805. Meanwhile, Decatur. Is the biggest hero EVER. every state names a town after him. He's like a damn god

Whole buncha other shit happens, like War of 1812 n stuff. Decatur dies in a duel in 1820 because the Navy of that time was made up of a buncha glory hounds & because Jesse Duncan Elliott was a total little shit. Total. Little. Shit.

But.

1803-04 was lit af

Fin

#drunjhistory

This is now TWO Navy threads I've down and I'm pretty sure the @USNavy owes me for free recruiting for them

I'll take a 14 gun brig, thanks

For no reason

Definitely no piracy

But, um, if you've got a letter of marque just hanging about, I'll take one