Thread by @pptsapper

Hei there do you have a quick moment to talk about the battle of Antietam?

I know we're doing social distancing but ya wanna know the secret to social distancing? Double canister. It distances ERRYTHING

So hello, yes, I'm gin and I'd like to tell you about an important history

I mean goddam right, who doesn't love a complete boondoggle on the Potomac, even though there was NO BOON and even LESS DOGGLE

but I digresssss

It's 1862

September if anyone is counting. And they should be.

Shit has not been awesome for the US of A this year

Like, first off, you got our Potomac Army boys getting within bell ringing distance of Richmond (it's a measurement, don't look it up, who ya gonna believe, me or the internet) before Little Mac realizes he left the brownies in the oven and hightails it back down the peninsula

Then you've got John "My ass is on my head" Pope, who shows up and almost bungles his way to victory at 2nd Bull Run except he forgot that one cardinal rule of warfare: don't get involved in a land war in Asia

No, fuck

The other one

The one about LOOKOUT THEY'RE BEHIND YOU

We paws for a brief message from this fucking adorable cat

Anyways

So even though US troops fight their asses off all through 1862, it's just a bunch of Ls on the scoreboard and ol Abe Lincoln, he likes Ls even less than he likes non folksy metaphors

Abe, desperate for ANYTHING to happen, puts McClellan back in command which is a mixed bag at best because he's slow and short and has an ego larger than Texas BUT everyone loves him for some reason

Prolly cause he makes the rest of them feel tall

Anyways, right about in September, Bobby Lee feels and itch in his trousers to invade Maryland for some reason, so off he goes and McClellan goes running after him as Swift as he can

Hahahahaha my phone thinks I'm talking about T Swizzle which is about right

But no, he doesn't

He verrrrrrrry slowly inches his way towards Lee, cause he thinks Lee outnumbers him about 5 million to 1

Look, Mac was an Army engineer but we are NOT PROUD of his legacy in the Regiment

Look, here's how damn bad it gets

Fortune gives Mac a legit miracle and he DOESNT MOVE

Two US cavrymen legit come across Lee's battle plans wrapped around some cigars and AMAZINGLY they don't just smoke the cigars and use the plans as TP, because if you've met any cav folks, this is ON BRAND for them

Mac gets all excited and... Moves out slowly

Glossing lightly over some badass mountain gap fights (giggity), Lee gets to Sharpsburg MD and realizes that he's made a huge mistake, orders his army to concentrate there since Mac outnumbers Lee about 3-1, whiiiich is the doctrinal ratio for attacking traitors

The US shows up and starts skirmishing on Sept 16 but Mac didn't have his security blanket and decides to hold off on a general engagement until the very last mule of the army arrives and moves into position

And at this critical juncture, the lecturer needs more alcohol

Gin break!

Ok so uh where was we

Oh yeah

Mac, he's all, "Joe Hooker, go see what's in that cornfield or whatever"

Now Joe Hooker, he never met a fight he didn't like

So he brings his I Corps smashers out and smashes into TJ Jackson in the morning mist and everything just goes to hell

The I Corps and Jackson shoot it out at practically point blank range, with Jackson wondering why the hell these guys won't leave

He puts in some reserves, the crazy ass Louisiana Tigers, who manage to clear the cornfield until

Double canister

Yup, it distances everyone

To add to ol Stonewall's worries, a bunch of black hatted fellas suddenly Hove into view

These would be the Iron Brigade, the only all western brigade in the Eastern Theater

This was when "west" was defined as "between Ohio and those territories that are cold af"

The Iron Brigade shreds shit, as they do, backed by good ol Battery B, 4th US Artillery

So Jackson throws Hood's division at them

Half starved Texans

Everyone's nightmare, really

Grudgingly, the Iron Brigade gives ground

As the Rebs close in, Gibbon, in command of the Iron Bde, realizes that Battery B is firing too high, so he does what every artillery officer in charge of infantry does: goes back to the artillery. He hops on a gun, depresses the screw, and BAM

DOUBLE CANISTER

shit disappears

Now look

I could describe the fighting on the north side of the battlefield on detail

But that would take the next few hours

Instead

Here's what happens

Everyone shoots the shit out of each other for a few hours and nothing is coordinated and so it's status quo

Little Mac, he's all like "one more push" and Hooker, wounded, is like, "yeah fucker, one more push, give us more troops" and Mac is all "oooh noooo, precious, no troops for you" AND so the battle on that part of the field sort of sputters out

But suddenly, in the center

So look, on the center, the rebels are in this sunken road

In the center, even

They dug in deeper than a Bernie bro into...whatever it is they dig into. So NATURALLY the US has gotta attack it

They send it part of the II Corps including Thomas "where my whiskey" Meagher

Meagher has the Irish Brigade, and is drunk, and falls off his horse as his brigade gets slaughtered but everyone waves green flags so people are good with this bullshit SOMEHOW

Anyways, someone spots a gap in the rebel line and exploits that shit and flanks the sunken road

The US busts through the sunken road harder than the koolaid man through a wall of koolaid and there's Ed Cross with his New Hampshireites, becuase who you gonna entrust with that but some Live Free or Die people who then go all bayonets over everything

Buuuuuut they just ain't enough to exploit and Winfield Scott "omfg he's so handsome" Hancock sends back for some but Mac guards that V Corps reserve like it's the One Ring and he's surrounded by 500 Nazgul

So, uh, nothing doing in the center

What's going on down south?

Welllllll down south you got the IX Corps under Ambrose Burnside and poor Burns, he's had a hard time of it because there was supposed to be a Ford but suddenly there wasn't and then he had to take a bridge and anyone who's ever tried to get into NYC at rush hour knows that feels

Now here's the problem with Burnside

He's got GREAT facial hair but not a lot of initiative

What he shoulda done was told Mac that his engineers goofed and got the ford location wrong

But instead he tried to cross a very smol bridge

They FINALLY get across when they find a regiment that is so crazy that they agree to make the charge if they get their whiskey ration back

When promised that they would, they gorram carry the bridge

There's a lesson in here for those willing to accept it

Contrary to public opinion, Burnside actually crosses and gets into Lee's rear (giggity) but then gets rammed into (giggity) by Hill's column rushing from Harper's Ferry and Burnside goes "Mac, how about those reinforcements you promised" and Mac goes

And altho US troops broke thru ERRYWHERE mac broods over his cavalry and infantry reserves, and thinks about Lee attacking him which is sorta his weird fetish, and doesn't bother REINFORCING SUCCESS And instead decides to reinforce inaction

there's commentary there

Basically, by the end of the day, both sides are starting at each other like.. "wtf is wrong with you for not attacking more"

The plot is ACTUALLY worse than the Star Wars prequels

Mac could've done one more push and Lee would've been bathing in the goddam Potomac

There's this awesome moment where 1LT James Wilson Chase's down the wounded Hooker and begs him to assume command and attack some more, and Hooker is like "who even ARE you child"

But yeah, everyone whose name is not George Brinton McClellan is like "shoulda been a US Victory"

Which is literally why I'm drinking because it's been 158 years and I'M STILL MAD

anyways

Happy #drunjhistory Monday