Want something to look at while waiting for your late friend to show up?
Here’s the story of the first time I did shrooms.
It was the fall of my freshman year of college...
Here’s the story of the first time I did shrooms.
It was the fall of my freshman year of college...
We were two months into school, and I didn’t have many friends.
At the time, I was creepily skinny and made mostly of pimples.
Also, my “college personality” that I had carefully crafted over the summer had not been the overwhelming success I’d assumed it would be.
At the time, I was creepily skinny and made mostly of pimples.
Also, my “college personality” that I had carefully crafted over the summer had not been the overwhelming success I’d assumed it would be.
My weekends were mostly spent with my roommate, a nice guy who enjoyed listening to Bon Jovi and mooning me.
Imagine the guy who streaks naked at a football stadium, except the stadium is your dorm room and the audience is just you trying to study.
Imagine the guy who streaks naked at a football stadium, except the stadium is your dorm room and the audience is just you trying to study.
One day, I happened to strike up a conversation with a guy in my class named Alan.
I thought Alan was really smart and cool.
(read: his t-shirts were hilarious)
I thought Alan was really smart and cool.
(read: his t-shirts were hilarious)
I was very eager to not mess up this blossoming friendship.
So when Alan said “You wanna do shrooms tonight?”
I said “......yes.”
I did not know what “shrooms” were.
So when Alan said “You wanna do shrooms tonight?”
I said “......yes.”
I did not know what “shrooms” were.
After visiting a website that looked like it was designed by a Hot Topic employee, I learned that shrooms are a hallucination inducing psychedelic that “make you feel like Jesus.”
Sure. But which Jesus? The one in the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical or The Passion of the Christ?
Sure. But which Jesus? The one in the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical or The Passion of the Christ?
Despite feeling all of the fear, I put on my most hilarious t-shirt and headed out to Alan’s dorm.
Upon arrival I resisted making a “fungi/fun guy” pun and I am more proud of this than the time I successfully performed CPR.
Upon arrival I resisted making a “fungi/fun guy” pun and I am more proud of this than the time I successfully performed CPR.
I had failed to research portion size, so when Alan asked me how much I wanted, I said “Oh, just...one bag, please.”
I proceed to eat what I now know to be a HERCULEAN amount of psilocybin mushrooms.
I proceed to eat what I now know to be a HERCULEAN amount of psilocybin mushrooms.
For about 45 minutes I think “These shrooms aren’t working.”
At minute 46, I think “What if I’m not a person, what if I’m just a memory within my own head and I only exist in the moments when the real me remembers me?”
At minute 46, I think “What if I’m not a person, what if I’m just a memory within my own head and I only exist in the moments when the real me remembers me?”
Alan and I spend the evening roaming around the dorm hallways giggling and discovering that linear time is a lie.
At one point, I get thirsty and ask if I can go to the soda machine.
Alan says “It’s your journey, man”.
(Over the next 3 months, this will be how I answer every question posed to me)
Alan says “It’s your journey, man”.
(Over the next 3 months, this will be how I answer every question posed to me)
I give the soda machine a useless piece of paper that humanity calls a “dollar”.
In exchange I am given a sweet energizing nectar that brings me joy.
(Listen @CocaCola, I understand it’d be an unconventional ad campaign, but do consider making me a brand ambassador)
In exchange I am given a sweet energizing nectar that brings me joy.
(Listen @CocaCola, I understand it’d be an unconventional ad campaign, but do consider making me a brand ambassador)
Anyhow, I grab the coke but something’s in the way. I look down and see IT’S ANOTHER COKE.
I open it and the cap reads “You Win A Free Coke”
I LOSE MY GODDAMN MIND.
MY “FREE COKE” IS ALREADY IN MY OTHER HAND. THE UNIVERSE IS INSTANTANEOUSLY UNFOLDING ITSELF TO MY LIKING.
I open it and the cap reads “You Win A Free Coke”
I LOSE MY GODDAMN MIND.
MY “FREE COKE” IS ALREADY IN MY OTHER HAND. THE UNIVERSE IS INSTANTANEOUSLY UNFOLDING ITSELF TO MY LIKING.
For the next two hours, I believe that I am telekinetic.
(Though I honorably choose not to use my new powers for such petty reasons as proving they exist)
(Though I honorably choose not to use my new powers for such petty reasons as proving they exist)
At the end of the night, I walk home looking at the New York skyline as it dances around to some unheard melody.
The formerly chaotic city seemed at peace.
The formerly chaotic city seemed at peace.
If Spider Man had swung by I wouldn’t have been surprised at all, I’d have just given him a friendly nod as if to say...
“I don’t care what J. Jonah Jameson says about you pal, you’re all right in my book.”
“I don’t care what J. Jonah Jameson says about you pal, you’re all right in my book.”
I arrive back in my dorm, feeling the purest happiness that I’d ever felt.
So, like any 18 year old experiencing something profound, I decide to photograph it.
So, like any 18 year old experiencing something profound, I decide to photograph it.
Here it is. This is me. FEELING THE PUREST HAPPINESS I’VE EVER FELT.
Which apparently makes me appear as though I’m having, like, an okay dream.
Which apparently makes me appear as though I’m having, like, an okay dream.
I continue taking photos of myself.
Keep in mind, it’s 2004. So my camera is not a phone, it’s a camera.
And I can’t see what I’m photographing until after I take the picture.
Which explains why I didn’t know until the next day that, at one point, my roommate did THIS.
Keep in mind, it’s 2004. So my camera is not a phone, it’s a camera.
And I can’t see what I’m photographing until after I take the picture.
Which explains why I didn’t know until the next day that, at one point, my roommate did THIS.
The next week, Alan and I did shrooms again and wandered the New York streets expecting another journey into bliss.
Instead, we saw a homeless man vomit on a pigeon and I spent the entire night twitching on the ground believing that I had died four years prior.
Instead, we saw a homeless man vomit on a pigeon and I spent the entire night twitching on the ground believing that I had died four years prior.
The moral is, don’t do drugs.
Except for shrooms, ONCE.
Except for shrooms, ONCE.
If you enjoyed that, maybe you’d enjoy the story of the worst day of my life??
