Thread by @NickKocher

Here’s a story.

So about a month ago, my coat was stolen. This was not fun....

It became even less fun when I remembered what I’d left in the, now stolen, coat.

In one pocket was an envelope addressed to my apartment. In the other pocket, were THE KEYS TO THAT APARTMENT.

So this thief now knows where I live, and can EASILY let himself in and murder my face off.

In a fit of paranoia, I install a @Nest security camera.

(Shoutout to @nest. Pay me something)

Weeks go by, no break-ins, no murdering of me, nothing.

The only thing that happens is now EVERY time I walk through my kitchen, the @nest camera texts me an awkward, unflattering video of myself and asks “Do you recognize this person?”
Honestly, @nest security cam? I wish I didn’t.

Then....one weekend I leave town and let my friend @thejonbass crash at my place.

Jon does not know about the security camera.

Fun ensues.

Day 1: Jon goes about his normal business. What is Jon’s normal business? Apparently, chugging juice and listening to showtunes.

Now listen. Am I a bad person for watching this without telling him? Legally speaking....yes.

So day 2, I decide to let Jon know I can see him.

One fun feature of this camera, is you can watch your friend silently text on his phone for 20 minutes and then suddenly project your voice into the room.

Jon and I have a nice little chat for a bit.

Then at one point, he says this...

So Jon thinks I can only see him when the blue light is on. He is wrong. The camera only lights up when you speak through it. So now he thinks I’m not watching.

I absolutely am.

Hours later, I remember another fun fact about my apartment. I can remotely control my @WeMo lights from my phone.

(Shoutout to @WeMo. Pay me something)

Sidenote: Wondering why Jon was calling me “Mike”?
When we first met, he called me “Nick”.
But as time passed, “Nick” became “Nicholas” which became “Nicklis” which became “Chicklis” which became “Michael Chiklis” which became “Michael” which became “Mike”.

Confused? So am I.

Anyhow, for the rest of the day, whenever I think to do so, I make the lights in the apartment go crazy. I do this A LOT.

Here’s a video from Jon’s perspective.

Jon eventually gets fed up with me. So he does this.

(Careful listeners may have heard Jon fart again at the 9 second mark)

To retaliate for blocking my view, that night at 4:27am....

I remotely turn all the lights on and speak through the security camera with a very specific request.

(You’re gonna definitely want SOUND ON)

(Shoutout to @amazonecho. Pay me something)

The next day, Jon decided to crash with someone else.

The end.

Epilogue: I love @thejonbass more than oxygen and I do not deserve him as a friend.