Thread by @NickKocher

Want a break from news stuff that actually matters?

Here’s the story of my first kiss.

I was 15 and at a summer camp for kids who wanted to be academically challenged over the break.

My mom had assured me it was “not a camp for nerds”.

It VERY much was.

At nerd camp, I had chosen a course called “Cyborg Futures”.

I hadn’t read the class description, but I assumed it was a class about how robots were awesome.

It turned out to be a class about esoteric medical ethics. It was so boring I wanted to rip off my face skin.

The good news: The entire class was full of idiots like me who thought it was “robots are cool” class.

The better news: One of those idiots was the prettiest girl I had ever seen.

We’ll call her “Margot”

Because that is her literal name.

I started romantically pursuing Margot using a super smooth technique I call “Wait quietly for your crush to talk to you, and if she doesn’t, live a lonely life of sadness.”

Luckily, she spoke to me!

Unluckily, everytime she did my heart would start POUNDING.

It’s very difficult to be charming when your body has suddenly been thrust into the flight or fight response.

Weeks pass by.

Margot and I get more comfortable with each other.

The class learns about Beauchamp’s principle of nonmaleficence (shoot my fucking face off)

Then one day, Margot and I start playing the game “Are You Nervous?”

Here’s how it works....one person places their hand on the other’s knee and slowly starts moving it up their thigh while asking “Are you nervous?”

You lose if you get uncomfortable and stop them.

No idea what happens when you win, because every time Margot’s hand moved one scooch up my leg, I would get so “nervous” I would damn well near black out.

Again, my heart would start POUNDING and I’d instantly be covered with sweat.

After pushing her hand away, I’d have to, like, meditate to lower my core temperature.

But we kept playing. And one time, when I pushed her hand away, OUR FINGERS INTERLOCKED.

AND WE HELD THEM THAT WAY FOR THE REST OF CLASS.

From then on, class would start, and over the course of about 20 minutes, Margot and I would slowly inch our fingers toward each other until they were intertwined under the table.

If you think this is cute, you are not factoring in how loud my heart was pounding and how sweaty my hand was. We might as well have been holding hands underwater.

This went on for awhile but I never made any moves past that.

I still didn’t think she liked me.

Keep in mind, I am VERY good at thinking people don’t like me. If it was an Olympic sport, I would probably medal.*

*See? Even in this fictional event I don’t give myself the gold. That’s how good I am at having low self-esteem.

Anyhow, we keep Jim and Pam’ing it, and eventually it’s the last day of class.

We were watching “The Andromeda Strain”.

I remember nothing of this movie, because that day Margot and I were sitting on the couch, and she RESTED HER HEAD ON MY CHEST.

Now for those of you who might not know esoteric medical ethics, inside my chest is my heart.

My heart that is currently POUNDING SO LOUD IT SOUNDS LIKE A DRUMMER ON COCAINE.

Margot’s ear is literally resting against this pounding heart. There’s no way she’s not hearing it.

Slowly she turns around and whispers to me. “Your heart is going kinda crazy.”

And I decide.

That the best thing.

That I should do.

Is to lie.

And say.

This.

“Oh. Yeah. I have a heart condition.”

I then watch a girl’s facial expression go from flirtatious
to
very-concerned-this-sweaty-boy-is-about-to-die.

Her belief that I had about 15 seconds left to live is probably why she immediately leaned in and gave me MY FIRST KISS.

How was it?

Fireworks set to a John Mayer song played in my head, that’s how it was.

(And yes, we were making out in the middle of a crowded classroom watching “The Andromeda Strain”)

I proceed to then receive my 2nd-500th kiss during the remaining 18 hours we had at camp.

Then she went back to Florida, we AIM’d for a couple months and eventually lost touch.

I’m sure she thinks I’m probably dead of heart failure by now.

Anyhow, Margot, if you’ve somehow happened across this, I’m still alive!

And thank you for granting a possibly dying boy’s wish.

Hey, bunch of new people! If you liked that, you might also like the story of the most embarassing day of my life!

https://twitter.com/nickkocher/status/998592025296596992?s=21