Ok so I will be tweeting the funniest 100 one-liners in the history of the Fringe so I can screengrab them for another thing. Enjoy:
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Tim Vine (2011)
“I have downloaded this new app. Its great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat and if you’ve put on weight. Its called the Daily Mail.” Hayley Ellis (2016)
"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12.59 because I like that one-to-one time". Tim Ward (2015)
"I've decided to sell my hoover. Well, it was just collecting dust." Tim Vine (2014)
“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” Will Marsh (2012)
“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” Alex Horne (2014)
“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” Sara Pascoe (2014)
"I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar, it could be a Chinese Wispa." Rob Auton (2013)
“My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.” Nick Hall (2015)
“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” Alun Cochrane (2015)
“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” Gary Delaney (2010)
"My hot water heater packed up so I had to fill the bath using a kettle and a load of saucepans. It was effing uncomfortable when I got in." Seymour Mace (2004)
“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” Stewart Francis (2012)
"I was in a band which we called The Prevention. Because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure." Alan Sharp (2011)
“Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds. Bad example.” Bridget Christie (2014)
“My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.” Sarah Millican (2011)
“It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road.” Olaf Falafel (2016)
"Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." Tim Vine (2012)
“The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much'” Andrew Bird (2008)
“I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” Jack Whitehall (2009)
"I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set." Masai Graham (2014)
“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed” Josie Long (2008)
“I have the woman-flu. Which is like the manflu but worse because I also regularly have periods and I get paid less.” Sofie Hagen (2016)
"I don't like light bulbs. They look like the ghosts of dead pears." Paul F. Taylor (2014)
"I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't." Dan Antopolski (2009)
“I am writing a film script about going back in time to stop Hitler’s parents meeting at the Austrian Enchantment ‘Under The Sea’ dance. It’s called ‘Back to the Fuhrer’!” Des Bishop (2016)
“‘Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.’ ‘Was it something I said?’ asks the son. ‘Yes.'” Damien Slash (2015)
"I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why." Chris Turner (2012)
“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” Nick Helm (2011)
“I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket.” Stuart Laws (2016)
“I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day.” Aatif Nawaz (2016)
“People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” Abi Roberts (2016)
“Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open.” Paul F. Taylor (2016)
“If you don’t know what Morris dancing is, imagine eight guys from the KKK got lost, ended up at gay pride and just tried to style it out.” Fin Taylor (2016)
“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” Stewart Francis (2012)
“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” Iain Stirling (2014)
“I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles, she said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads” Mark Simmons (2015)
“I bumped into my French teacher the other day who asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.” Adam Hess (2016)
"Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." George Ryegold (2012)
"Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief." Mark Watson (2014)
"A lady with a clipboard stopped me the other day and said: 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said 'alright, but we won't get much done.'" Jimmy Carr (2004)
"I used to think an ocean of soda existed. But it was just a Fanta-sea." Bec Hill (2014)
“I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password.” Rory O’Keeffe (2016)
“My friend said she was giving up drinking from Monday to Friday. I’m just worried she’s going to dehydrate” Kerri Godliman (2008)
"I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng (2017)
"Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas." - Mark Nelson (2015)
"I lost my virginity very late. When it finally happened I wasn't so much deflowered as deadheaded." - Holly Walsh (2014)
"My name is Fin, which means it's very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious."- Fin Taylor (2014)
"Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons (2017)
"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted." - Gary Delaney (2010)
"I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne (2017)
"I've got no problems buying tampons: I'm a modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper present'." - Jimmy Carr (2006)
"Who are the most decent people in the hospital? The ultrasound people." - David O'Doherty (2004)
“Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.” Olaf Falafel (2016)
“Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?” Dan Antolpolski (2009)
"I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven." - Stephen Grant (2006)
"A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes (2017)
"I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess (2017)
"I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole-destroying." Alex Horne (2013)
“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” Frankie Boyle (2017)
“I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” Alexei Sayle (2017)
“I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.” Andy Field (2017)
“In France J-Lo is called ‘I have water.’” Adam Hess (2016)
“I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.” Emo Philips (2010)
“I never lie on my CV… because it creases it.” Jenny Collier (2015)
“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.” Tim Vine (2014)
“Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything. Loved it. Should’ve been called Look Who’s Hawking – that’s my only criticism.” James Acaster (2015)
“My mother is always taking photographs of me. She said, ‘If you disappear tomorrow, I want you to look good on the news’.” Gareth Richards (2010)
“Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.” Tim Vine (2011)
“When Steve Jobs died, they put him in a bag of rice to see if he’d come back to life.” David O’Doherty (2016)
“My friend’s called Isabella Bell. Great name; tough question.” Chris Turner (2016)
“I saw a recipe for guilt free pizza. The only reason you should ever feel guilty after having a pizza is if you’ve killed the delivery boy.” Ed Gamble (2016)
“My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.” Masai Graham (2016)
“I like to hold hands at the movies. Which always seems to startle strangers.” Tom Rhodes (2016)
“Have you heard about the evil group of men who control all the world’s cheese? The hallouminati.” Nick Helm (2014)
“I watch so much Netflix that, rather than suggesting more shows for me to watch, it’s started suggesting I go outside.” David Morgan (2014)
“The only legitimate reason for smoking an electronic cigarette is if you are a robot that has just had sex with another robot.” Lloyd Langford (2014)
“If I discovered a new animal I’d call it a Quorn to mess with vegetarians.” Jim Campbell (2014)
"Two aerials on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't great but the reception was fantastic." Jimeoin (2006)
"I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill." Chris Turner (2015)
"I'm allergic to nuts, which means that if I ever want to commit suicide I can do it by Ferrero Rocher." Harriet Kemsley (2015)
"Did you know Kinder Surprise is German for "unwanted pregnancy?" Adam Hess (2015)
"My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in customs." Patrick Monahan (2006)
"People who like trance music are very persistent. They don't techno for an answer." Joel Dommett (2012)
"Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them." Matt Winning (2015)
"When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born." Yianni (2015)
"I’ve just come back from a Club 18-30 holiday. It lasted 12 years." Tom Parry (2015)
“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” Matt Kirshen (2011)
“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably shit.” Stephen K. Amos (2014)
“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” Will Marsh (2012)
“How do people make new mates? Asking for a friend.” Steve Bugeja (2016)
“I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.” Ria Lina (2014)
“My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.” Joe Bor (2014)
“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” Paul F Taylor (2014)
“I can’t exercise for long periods. When I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if I’ve forgotten something.” Pete Otway (2016)
“Today… I did seven press ups: not in a row.” Daniel Kitson (2012)
“Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.” Tom Parry (2015)
“I think children are like Marmite. You either love them or you keep them at the back of the cupboard next to the piccalilli.” Abi Roberts (2016)
“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” Phil Wang (2015)
Whenever someone says ‘I don’t believe in coincidences’. I say ‘Oh my god! Me neither!’ Alasdair Beckett-King (2017)
Kim Kardashian got robbed in Paris and her former bodyguard blamed it on Karma. Which Kardashian is that? Harriet Kemsley (2017)
PC World – you’ve got to be careful what you say in there. Seymour Mace (2017)
I think that's 100! If it isn't, don't sue me. Sue all of these comedians instead.
