Okay this is very very very important. A few hours ago, as I sat down to write in the lobby of this Galway hotel, a certain man (I don’t know him other than he described himself as “an Irish screenwriter”) said he was leaving to go to a screening. But it was raining. 1/
And he didn’t have an umbrella. I told him I packed one in my luggage and would be happy to loan it to him because I don’t need it till this evening. He said no problem. I told him to leave it at the front desk when he’s back (he said he’d be back by 6). 2/
Well at 8 my umbrella had not returned, and I have to go. And so I’m wondering if anyone has seen the guy cause it’s raining. I don’t know his name. But I’m starting to understand why nobody trusts screenwriters.
Okay he’s not back and I have to leave. It’s RED. It cost me $3.99. Okay the price isn’t the point. But it’s RAINING. And I don’t want to wear a baseball cap cause I have to a talk tonight after a screening of Bill & Ted and FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE I’M HAVING GOOD HAIR.
Alright I have to leave. And I am going to have to take a taxi now because I really don’t want to just flippantly ignore my good hair night. This is going to cost me almost FIVE EUROS. GODDAMN IRISH SCREENWRITER. WHERE ARE YOU IRISH SCREENWRITER WITH MY $3.99 RED UMBRELLA???
Okay okay okay. I get it. “Ask the hotel for an umbrella.” Here’s the thing: I DID. I asked (on behalf of the Irish Screenwriter) in the afternoon (All were gone. Why? IT’S RAINING. And Why is it raining? IT’S FUCKING IRELAND.) and I asked again AS I LEFT. Oh and get this:
I told them WHY I was asking. “Cause I loaned it to some guy.” And the guy behind the desk asked me if I knew his name. And I said no. Just that he said he was a screenwriter. And THE GUY LAUGHED. Like: “Dude, I don’t feel sorry for you, you GAVE YOUR UMBRELLA TO A STRANGER.”
Okay, out of the taxi, and it’s important to note that it rained. On my good hair. ARE YOU HAPPY IRISH SCREENWRITER??
Good news: the rain has died down. Bad news: my hair is now medium hair. Okay whatever. If you see an Irish screenwriter with a small red umbrella please let him know that this is not QUITE Sarajevo/Archduke Ferdinand but it is MAYBE the modern equivalent. But I’m cool so no big.
It’s 4:07 am. And here’s the thing: I didn’t post anything because a) I was doing the Bill and Ted Q & A and I ended up taking the whole audience out for a drink. And that didn’t finish till 3 am. And b) my IRE (no pun intended) was growing, and I didn’t want to start RANTING.
And so I just let it slide. Because, after all, IT’S JUST A FUCKING UMBRELLA. Except, here’s the OTHER thing: I TOTALLY TRUSTED THE GUY. He GAVE ME HIS WORD. And so it’s not really about the $3.99 umbrella, per se. It’s about MY WHOLE IDEA ABOUT HUMANITY IN GENERAL.
And, like, whether HUMAN BEINGS AS A SPECIES can be COUNTED ON. (Because this is something that I’ve been trying to figure out for like 45 years.) ARE PEOPLE ESSENTIALLY *GOOD?* OR ARE THEY ESSENTIALLY *BAD?* Cause obviously THIS is the core question here.
And I’ll be honest: by midnight or so I was starting to feel rather bleak about the whole humanity thing. So I tried to bury it. And I DID. I put it 100% out of my mind & instead I got a little (okay, I’ll admit it) tipsy on some kind of thing that had I THINK elderberry in it.
And I had a TON of fun with the audience - so much so that I thought “I’m going to ALWAYS bring the entire audience out for drinks.” (That thought didn’t last long, especially after I realized that THEY TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY when you offer that, and you actually HAVE TO PAY.)
(Actually - seriously - it was super fun, to be honest.) But the META POINT here is that I totally forgot about my umbrella. EVEN AS I WALKED HOME IN THE RAIN. Which I attribute either to a) Ireland, b) people in general as being AWESOME, or c) alcohol.
And when I got back, the hotel bar was still jammed. At like 3:30 am. (What IS it with Irish people?) And I said hi to some folks & then turned to go back to my room. And then I remembered: THE ENTIRE FATE OF (MY OPINION ABOUT) THE STATE OF HUMANITY is still totally in play.
And so I stopped at the front desk. And well aware of the stakes here, I asked if by chance a red umbrella had been returned. And they looked around. Showed me a purple and blue one. Which I already knew they had cause it was there in the afternoon when I ORIGINALLY ASKED.
(“Is that RED?” I muttered to myself. “Ha ha ha no I don’t THINK so.”) (I kept that to myself.) “Sorry - no. Mine is tiny & red.” “Sorry, we don’t have one.” I stared at the guy. Saddened, to say the least. And JUST as I was turning...
The guy said, “Actually, hang on a second.” And he turned and he disappeared. And then he came back. And you WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT HE PRODUCED. At 4:07 am. In the morning. Yes. You guessed it. 
And not just an umbrella. An umbrella WITH A NOTE. SUCH a nice note. A note of appreciation. And he said a few other things, too, that were also very kind. And I stared at it. And took my umbrella. And went back to my room. And all I can say is THANK YOU IRISH SCREENWRITER.
You are the most awesome person in the universe. I love Ireland. And screenwriters. And humanity in general. And all I can say is good thing you weren’t aware of what was REALLY going on here. Cause I don’t think you will ever truly know just what hung in the balance.
