Thread by @valerievaldes

So you said/did something foolish and now you're getting dragged online.

Step one: apologize. Not for getting caught, not because of the way people felt or reacted, but because you screwed up. Be specific and sincere.

"I'm sorry I said/did X and I'm sorry for the harm it caused."

Step two: explain how you will fix it, if it can be fixed. If not, explain how you'll make amends otherwise, and how you'll prevent it from happening again.

"I'm going to [actually useful action of prevention or goodwill or compensation or amelioration]. Going forward..."

Step three: LISTEN to feedback from the aggrieved party and anyone affected by splash damage and adjust your plans accordingly. You may need to make more apologies and take additional actions, or change the steps you intended to take to more effectively address the problem.

Step four: repeat step three until you have done everything in your power to make things right. And don't throw up your hands and say "I did my best" after a couple of half-hearted efforts, because no, you did not do your best and now you've made things worse.

How not to make things worse:

Don't argue with the people you've harmed.

Don't "apologize" for their reactions (vs your actions).

Don't defend yourself. Not even if your feelings are super hurt and you're really sad and you didn't mean to mess up. It's not about you right now.

Repeat: YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT YOUR SCREW UP ARE IRRELEVANT. It's nice that you feel bad because you probably should, but nobody cares how you feel. They care about the people you've harmed and how you're going to make things right. Deal with your own feelings quietly in private.

Addendum in case it seems like I'm on a high horse: I'm not, I'm on a small fat Shetland pony with googly eyes and its tongue sticking out. I've screwed up before and I'm sure I'll screw up again, and when I do I hope to heck I'll follow my own advice.

One more thing: you can apologize and make amends and put mechanisms in place to keep your mistake from happening again, and the injured party may still not forgive you.

That is their decision, and you have to abide by it. Forgiveness isn't automatic.