Almost exactly two years ago today I suffered an anxiety attack that began a trend that would torment me for the next year and a half, give or take.
That experience was perhaps the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life, though it is receding into a distant memory. It's strange reflecting on how crippled I was as I sit here casually tweeting after casually taking my morning dose of Effexor.
In Dante's divine comedy, there is an enscription above the gates of Hell that reads "abandon hope all ye who enter"
That's what generalized anxiety was like for me. Living without hope. It was hell.
That's what generalized anxiety was like for me. Living without hope. It was hell.
Mustering the strength to take one staggering step after another when you've become so certain all is lost, that no future awaits you is an agonizing affair. I made it through with distractions, with friends, and with perseverance.
In the very depths of worst despair, the reasons to go on evaporated. So I had to press on without them. And if you are yourself struggling just as bitterly I urge you to not concern yourself with the reasons why. Simply:
"Keep going"
"Keep going"
Don't ever give up. Walk slowly if you must. Stagger. Limp. Crawl. One yard, one foot, one inch at a time. Just don't stop.
And reach out to those around you. Everyone has someone, even those that believe they don't. And the ones that truly are alone can find comrades in the darkness so that in the very least, you can be lost together while you find your way.
There are many routes to escape, and the one(s) that work for you will be your own discovery. For me, I found a medication that stabilized me enough to take back control of my life. It was no magic cure - simply a leg up. The arm behind my back untied. A fighting chance.
Keep looking for answers, and keep trying them until one fits.
I've promised myself that even if not a single positive thing comes to me as a result of this wretched experience, I will at a bare minimum use it to spare others even a moment of that pain. May these words lighten your load even a single ounce.
Press on, good travelers.
Press on, good travelers.
