1. Dateline: Sept. 6, 2068
The Perpetually Failing NY Times has acquired the original, handwritten notes for what has come to be known as The Billings Address, a speech dear to the hearts of the nation’s schoolchildren who have all learned to recite it in both English & Russian.
The Perpetually Failing NY Times has acquired the original, handwritten notes for what has come to be known as The Billings Address, a speech dear to the hearts of the nation’s schoolchildren who have all learned to recite it in both English & Russian.
2. While the written text diverges quite dramatically from the words President Trump spoke that unforgettable night, we feel that this document is of sufficient historical importance to merit publication. Lincoln's pathetic original can be found here. abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speech…
3. The text we reprint here is not a copy. It is the original, written in the President’s unmistakable handwriting, in black sharpie, and composed on the bottom of an overturned KFC bucket while aboard Air Force 1 en route to the speech.
4. The grease stains alone (our forensic examination indicates it was a bucket of original crispy, white meat) vouch for the authenticity of the document. We reprint it here, in full, to commemorate the 50th anniversary of the speech.
5. [Beginning of transcript] Three score and twelve years ago...which is 72 years people. You know, these speechwriters like to use fancy words like that, but the hell with it. It’s 72 years, let’s just say 72 years.
6. My father & mother brought forth me, who was conceived in the Bronx, & dedicated to the proposition that all men (& I mean men, right?, I mean come on, it’s men, just men, I love women & they love me too, but let’s be real here, it’s men we’re talking about) are created equal.
7. Ok, not really equal. I mean we gotta say that word, equal, to be PC because I’m the President and all [editor’s note: remember that this was 2018, many years before King Jared the Bald banned the use of the word equal]...but equal is, well, equal is one of those words....
8. I mean who really knows what the word 'equal' means. Those feminazis (who are the only real Nazis these days, by the way) sure like that word, equal. But what do they know? What the hell do they know? All I know is 306 doesn’t equal 227! Tremendous. Tremendous victory.
9. Anyway, now we are engaged in a civil war with the shameful Democrat Party and their evil friends in the lying press, testing whether my nation, or anything beautiful and with borders, can long endoor.
10. We are met in this beautiful auditorium where I hear they just had a demolition derby last night. Bang boom crash, man, I just love that stuff.
11. Maybe we should dedicate one of those cars, as a symbolic final resting place for Hillary, who gave her shameful political life so that our great nation can live again. It is altogether amazing and tremendous that we should do this.
12. People are saying that we cannot consecrate this ground, but what the hell do they know? Who knows more about consecrating than I do?! I'm a builder, for Chrissakes! Fake news won't tell you the amazing things first my father & then I have done with consecrate.
13. And I have to mention my beautiful mother, who while we were consecrating was busy gestated the turkey. Very important work, and delicious turkey. So good. Better than Melania’s cooking, but don’t tell her I said that.
14. Anyway, some people are saying that the brave men, our beautiful military, living and dead, who struggled here in Wyoming [sic]...
15. ...and overseas in Nambia [editor’s note: Nambia did not yet exist. It is a testament to Trump’s brilliance that he predicted such a country would emerge from the great boom boom of 2020], have made this auditorium totally big league, far above my amazing power 2 do so.
16. Ok, that’s kind of true, because you know how much I love military. But let’s just say the living ones can make this place special, but not the dead ones…like, you know who. I’m not going to say his name. I’m not going to say his name.
17. Let’s just say we’re the kind of people who prefer consecrators that didn’t get captured or killed, right?
18. Anyway, the fake news media will little note, nor accurately report what we say here, but none of you forgotten little people will forget what I did here. It is for us the true Americans, rather, to be dedicated to the work of making America great again.
19. It is for those of us who aren’t losers — and those few non-losers who maybe just caught a bad break and died — that we all promise that I will have not have skipped so many beautiful golfing days in vain ...
20. ...so that this nation, under God, but kind of a dump if I’m going to be completely honest w/ you, shall get a complete remodel as only I can do — & that, believe me, government of my people, by my people, for my people, isn't going anywhere. Not gonna happen. Let ’em try it.
