Thread by @pptsapper

I have a TV spot I'm appearing on tomorrow and of course am getting sick so I've been putting liberal amounts of bourbon in my hot toddies and chased it with NyQuil and I suddenly feel the need to talk about what an absolute snot John J Pershing was

Ok - so, before wwi, JJ Pershing is just another officer in the Army who has to wait for someone else to die to get promoted. Which is ironic because that's totes how he gets his bitchin gig as head of the American Expeditionary Force in 1917

The dude that Wilson wanted for the head of his new force to fuck shit up in Europe (that was the rejected name of the AEF) was MG Freddy Funston.

Now if you wanna talk about dudes with weird career paths, Funston takes the cake. All the cakes, really

Rejected from West point, he went to U of Kansas & then dropped out and worked on a railroad then became a journalist & then a botanist. He was like that dude who could never settle on a major. So in 1896 he goes to hear a speech by Dan Sickles - YEAH THAT DAN SICJLES FROM GBURG

Anyways he hears One Leg Dan talk about the plight of the Cubans so Funston RUNS OFF TO CUBA TO BE A REVOLUTIONARY bc why TF not

Predictably, he comes back to the US, raises a regiment of volunteers for the Span-Am War & becomes a colonel because that's how you do

So he goes off and fights in the Philippines, capturing the Filipino president, wins the MOH, gets promoted to general, and in the meantime everyone's like "who's this imperialist schmuck who's getting promoted so fast?" Like, Mark Twain even makes fun of him.

But that doesn't stop Freddy. He rises through the ranks, does his staff time like ya gotta do, commanded the Army's southern Dept in the 1916 kerfuffle with Pancho Villa - and that's how Frederick Fucking Funston is the most important dude in the US Army in 1917

Wilson thinks FF is pretty hot shit to command the AEF in this war he's thinking about, but there's a problem. Funston has a MASSIVE heart attack in San Antonio in Feb of 1917 while listening to an orchestra play the Blue Danube & Maj Doug MacArthur gets told off to tell Wilson

SO - that's how JJ Persh gets picked to lead the US force headed to Europe, cause he'd been Funston's number two on the Mexican punitive expedition

Like, right away, Pershing starts pissing literally EVERYONE off. Wilson. SecWar Baker. The French. The British. The National Guard. Everyone who is not the 1st Division.

But it's the French and British thing that is a HUGE problem

Because obvs, the French and British have been fighting for years & want help immediately, but JJ is all coy & is like "America will have its own army." Meanwhile, JJs staff is like "uh, sir, we don't have an army yet - we can't even get machine guns for crissakes"

So the French & Brits overlook Pershing's tantrums and almost completely equip the AEF with machine guns and artillery and tanks and aircraft and pretty much everything a modern Army needs & JJ is still needling Foche & Joffre to the point where they're ready to go to alone

But fortunately George Marshall is on Pershing's staff, and goes around smoothing egos and calming allies, all while also planning operations - oh, and while calming down US division commanders who don't like Pershing either cause he's in their business like whoa

When the French want troops, Pershing throws them the African-American 93rd Division, who the French love and who do pretty damn well for themselves

Despite the best efforts of the US Army not to allow them to form a combat division, I might add.

So finally the US gets into the fight and by the summer of 1918 it's time to form First Army, the first US army-level formation, and who should command it? Why, the CinC of all US troops in Europe, that's who. Pershing decides it's time to wear two hats & micromanage more

This continues till late summer when Marshall and some other grown ups convince JJ that maybe his corps commanders don't need him yelling at them in person every day. But you get the idea. Pershing likes to be very, very in charge. & He reaaaaalllly fuckin lovs the 1st Division

How much does he love them? They get priority for all replacements, all missions, all cool stuff. He loved them as much as he loved the doctrine of open warfare, which he did, cause he said Grant's Overland campaign of 1864 was his model. The Overland campaign WAS BLOODY AF

So by November, the Allies are converging on the city of Sedan. Now this ain't just any city. This is the literal symbol of the Germans spanking the French bc it was here in 1870 that the French were forced to surrender in the Franco-Prussian War. & now the US is closing in on it

The 42nd Division is closest and JJ orders them to HALT and then send his 1ST DIVISION to go pass thru their lines to take Sedan
Talk about petty af

Eventually Hunter Liggett and GC Marshall get to him & are like DUDE. This has to go to the French.

So Pershing finally lets the French take it, which is good, bc Foch & Joffre would've probably declared war on Pershing being the jackass he wanted to be.

Luckily, the war ended before JJ could try any new schemes - most of his division commanders were ignoring him anyways

Oh wait no - one last thing. Morning of November 11, JJ orders a final infantry assault. Hundreds die AFTER THE ARMISTICE HAD BEEN SIGNED. unlike Grant, JJ didn't have the decency to regret it. A Congressional inquiry into it got as far as you'd think with a "war hero"

So yeah, Pershing gets all the thanks of a grateful & ignorant nation, gets ranked up there with G Washington as one of the greatest generals of all time, when he was mediocre at best

Anyways that's all I got. Thanks for letting me abuse my power and tell you about Pershing and also Freddy By God Funston.

Here's my cat, as a closing argument. She don't give a shit. She smart.