Thinking these novels need a Time To Stallion index.
Shimmer is possibly not the verb I’d have picked on that one. More of a visual descriptor, really.
I read more over lunch, and gang...it has Gone Places.
HERO’S BROTHER: She’s a witch, also WTF
HEROINE: This was actually kinda hot for the first few minutes but it’s been three days and I am super bored now.
HERO’S BROTHER: I...uh...yeah, I got nothing.
HERO’S BROTHER: She’s a witch, but just...WTF
REAL FALCONERS: There’s usually just so much more poop involved. Like so much poop.
MAID: I think I’ll just poison everybody.
HEROINE: Get these damn bells off me, I’m going.
REAL FALCONERS: Did we mention how much poop is usually involved?
MAID: Poison for everybody!
HEROINE: *delivers baby*
HERO: Get off your knees in front of that bed I’m really pissed off—OH SWEET JESUS THAT WAS WAY MORE PLACENTA THAN I WAS EXPECTING TO SEE HERE
MAID: I thought that poison would never work.
REAL FALCONERS: Is she regurgitating the bones anywhere?
HERO’S BROTHER: The witch has poisoned him!
HERO’S BROTHER: Orrrr I could kill you for being a witch? I like that option?
HEROINE: I’m wearing a cross, though. Neener neener. Also I’ve totally got the antidote.
HERO’S BROTHER: *sigh*
(far in the distance) ...did we mention all the poop...?
HERO’S BROTHER: Did I ever mention that time he got his fingernails pulled out in a Turkish prison?
HEROINE: Uh oh, I got distracted by the sexiness kissing the antidote in and accidentally poisoned myself.
HERO’S BROTHER: He really hasn’t been the same since the Turkish prison.
HEROINE: Gonna run a couple laps to burn some of this off, but please, continue your infodump.
HERO: You’re in love with me now, right? So you’ll get pregnant on command?
HERO: Don’t be ridiculous, manly brooding manly heroes don’t do that.
HERO’S BROTHER: Turkish prison!
HERO: That, too.
HEROINE: Then I guess nobody’s getting what they want today.
HERO’S BROTHER: Wasn’t there a poisoner around somewhere?
Man, my sex scenes seem so classy now.
Out of a cannon.
Into the sun.
HERO: The other day!
HERO: Trial by ordeal!
HAMMER: Jesus Christ I’m here for a funeral why are you like this
HERO: That’s the plan!
HAMMER: I seriously only came here for a funeral what is wrong with you people
HERO: It’s the only way!
HEROINE: But I love you!
HAMMER: This really sounds like a you problem, not a me problem?
HAMMER: Liege. Liege is good?
HERO: Great! Here, have some land!
HAMMER: I swear to god I was just here for a funeral can I go now?
HAMMER: *sigh* Whatever. You doing ok?
HEROINE: Yeah, it’s fine.
HERO: I have seen them together and they don’t hate each other so now I am super jealous again.
HEROINE: We went over this! He’s my half brother! also I was a virgin!
HERO: So. Jealous.
HEROINE: Oh god, not again.
HAMMER: Hey, look at the time welp gotta mosey
HERO: I bet you cheered for him to kill me!
HEROINE: I’m starting to think you might just be an asshole.
PEASANTS: Uh, aren’t you supposed to be badly injured?
MAID: Oh, uh, hmm, uh—HEROINE rode off with the HAMMER?
MAID: Do you remember the, oh, five hundred times I mentioned that Normans killed my entire family?
HEROINE: Yeah, but I didn’t realize you meant anything by it.
MAID: Saxons represent, yo.
HEROINE: That was you?
MAID: ...you are the WORST Druid.
MAID: ...dang, that last bit of gloating was unwise.
PEASANTS: Hang on, we have cash.
HERO: I am deeply touched.
PEASANTS: Ok, but you’re not off the hook for that bird sex dungeon thing. No one is getting over that in a hurry.
HERO: Let’s attack!
HERO: Wait, what?
HEROINE: Yeah, we rejiggered the prophecy. Go marry some other chick.
HERO: But I’m super in love with you!
HEROINE: oh, uh, turns out she was a thousand year old Druid ghost who’s been hanging around the castle. As one does.
Some of you keep telling me the sequel is worse and I am attempting to disbelieve.