I love this story more than words can say—as a woman AND as a knitter. Also, I’ll tell y’all a similar-but-different one when I get out of the pool 😎
So in my early twenties, I lived in an old brick building that p much didn’t get Cingular service. At the time, I‘d talk to @localcelebrity on the phone for hours on end. In fact, I even had a specific cellphone-talking-rock, around the corner from my front door, pictured below. 
Anyway, one evening, after a particularly disastrous date, I was on the phone with @localcelebrity. Sitting on my stoop and about to head inside, some dude walks up to me. He stands over me so dramatically that instead of “midwest nice”, I said to him “what are you doing?”
He shows me the handgun tucked in his pants waist & says “give me your phone”. Bc I am in my early 20s & still convinced I’m invisible, I again say “what are you doing?” (sidenote: I pity @localcelebrity bc shortly after i hung up and all he’d heard was “what are you doing” x2)
Anyway at this point he takes the gun out and starts pointing it in the general direction of my head, which convinces me that he is serious. I give him my phone. He then asks “do you have any money?”
Understand that at the time I was poor enough that my bank balance was negative.
Understand that at the time I was poor enough that my bank balance was negative.
The one upside to my disastrous date was he had paid for my cab fare home. Even after giving the driver a generous tip, I had $5 left, which I was very excited about. This occurred to me and without thinking, I said “I HAVE FIVE BUCKS!” Then I realized he was going to take my $5.
Having a trauma-based fear of guns, and a healthier fear of *fools* with guns, I opened my purse and found the $5 I was going to give him. Around this time, a car I later realized his getaway car—pulled up 10 or 20ft away from us. My mugger told me “Thanks, I needed gas money.”
Motherfucker if you had made up a good enough sob story, minus the gun, I would have just *given* you my $5. It was a bleeding heart neighborhood, the white people in it were predictable af.
Anyway he starts walking to the car, and opens the door. It registers in my brain that he is walking away with my phone. This is before iPhone or even the glorious W810i. I didn’t have that shit backed up, and “New phone who dis” was not even in my lexicon. I *needed* that phone.
So I marched up to him, just as he was approaching the car.
Me: “Wait. My phone. I *need* my phone.”
Him: “…
…
…you want your phone.”
Me; “YES. I NEED MY PHONE.”
please remember that this is a dude who, moments before, was pointing a gun at my head.
Me: “Wait. My phone. I *need* my phone.”
Him: “…
…
…you want your phone.”
Me; “YES. I NEED MY PHONE.”
please remember that this is a dude who, moments before, was pointing a gun at my head.
So, as he is just about to get into the car, he puts my phone behind his back. He says “You want your phone? Fine. Come and get it.”
So being as indestructible as anyone is in their early 20s, I storm up and snatch my phone from his hand.
So being as indestructible as anyone is in their early 20s, I storm up and snatch my phone from his hand.
The angle at which he was standing, he *easily* could have just tossed all 100 poor and malnourished pounds of me into the car with precisely zero trouble. I didn’t realize until the adrenaline drained though. With phone in hand, I strutted triumphantly back to my front door.
Walking away, @localcelebrity was calling, as any rational and caring friend would, I presume? Honestly to this day I wonder how long it took and how many panicked phone calls happened in the (what feels like) eternity between hanging up and getting my phone back.
Anyway I was full of pride at my triumph as I walked up the stairs to my apartment… until I passed the first exterior window. Then 100% of the adrenaline disappeared and I felt exposed. I sprinted the rest of the way and the remainder of the night is a blur.
Interesting post script to this story: Jury duty is one of those things I look forward to and honestly want to do. Literally the only case I’ve been pulled in for was an almost identical crime *a half block* from my old apartment. I had to recuse myself and was just devastated.
also p.p.s. i really wish i had said something even remotely as sharp as @jbergantzcarley’s “I’m letting you go, today, but you’ve got no clue who you just fucked with.”
