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DO IT. MOVE INTO A BUNGALOW. HAVE AN OPINION WHERE TO GET THE BEST ITALIAN BEEFS. PRONOUNCE THE "S" IN ILLINOIS. LEANR HOW TO NAVIGATE LOWER WACKER. NAME A CHILD AFTER KHALIL MACK. GET SUPER FAT AND NEVER APOLOGIZE TO ANYONE FROM THE COASTS EVER AGAIN.
GET A NICKNAME LIKE "TINY MIKE" WHEN YOU'RE ACTUALLY 6 FOOT FIVE. VACATION IN WISCONSIN. ASK "HOW DOES IT HANDLE POTHOLES AND BLACK ICE?" WHEN BUYING A NEW CAR. SEE THE WORLD'S LARGEST T. REX EVERY DANG WEEKEND. VOTE AGAINST EVERY INCUMBENT JUDGE BECAUSE YOU LOVE CHAOS.
MAKES FRIENDS WITH A DUDE SOLELY BECAUSE HE OWNS A BOAT. BUY AN OUT OF TOWNER THEIR FIRST SHOT OF MALORT. HAVE A FAVORITE SEAT ON THE EL. TAKE A KID TO SEE THE BABY CHICKS AT MSI. TELL YOUR RACIST UNCLE HE'S BEING RACIST WHEN HE CALLS YOUR CITY "A CRIME RIDDEN CESSPOOL"
DON'T ENJOY CHICAGO STYLE PIZZA BECAUSE IT'S A TOURIST THING, BUT GET MAD WHEN ANYONE FROM THE EAST COAST CRITICIZES IT. HAVE AN EMOTIONAL REACTION WHEN "LAKE SHORE DRIVE" BY ALOITTA HAYNES JEREMIAH COMES ON. KNOW WHICH O'HARE GATE ALWAYS HAS THE SHORTEST SECURITY LINES.
AMEND YOUR WILL TO STATE THAT "DENNEHY" BY @kennykdz BE PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL. GROW A MUSTACHE THE SIZE OF MIKE DITKA'S FOREHEAD. KEEP YOUR JUICES IN THE CHOPS. SNEAK A COUPLE O'DOUL'S. DECLARE THAT IF YOU WERE THE COACH OF THE BEARS, THEY'D AT LEAST GET 10 WINS.
MAKE A HOLIDAY TRADITION OUT WATCHING “HARDROCK AND COCO AND JOE” EVERY CHRISTMAS EVE. CHECK OUT THE WINDOWS ON STATE STREET. TAKE PUBLIC TRANSIT TO ZOO LIGHTS BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT AN INSANE PERSON. TAKE YOUR KIDS TO SEE SANTA ON THE EL TRAIN, NOT THE MALL LIKE SOME BASIC.
LEARN WHAT “STEPPIN” IS. EAT IN YOUR CAR AT CALUMET FISHERIES. CONGRATULATIONS, NOW YOUR CAR SMELLS LIKE BARBECUE SCRIMPS. DRIVE DOWN THE DAN RYAN LATE AT NIGHT BLASTING “THE PERCOLATOR” AT FULL VOLUME. KNOW WHY NUMBER 25 AT SIMEON IS A BIG DEAL. FLAKE ON YOUR FRIEND’S IMPROV SET
LEARN TO LOVE AGAIN AFTER THE CUTLER ERA AND THEN HAVE YOUR SOUL DESTROYED BY A KICKER. START GOOGLING AIRBNBS IN BOURBONNAIS IN LATE JULY. TRY TO IGNORE ANY RUMORS CONNECTING BRYCE HARPER TO THE CUBS AND/OR SOX BECAUSE YOU CAN’T TAKE ANY MORE HEARTBREAK RIGHT NOW.
LEARN A FEW WORDS IN POLISH TO BE NICE TO THE NEIGHBOR LADY. SHOVEL HER WALK FOR HER. GET ON GOOD TERMS. ASK WHERE TO GET THE BEST PACZKI. BRING SOME FOR HER AND EVERYONE ELSE IN THE BUILDING. NOW THROW OUT YOUR DATA COLLECTING NEST CAMS BECAUSE EVERYONE WILL WATCH YOUR PLACE.
BOOKMARK CLEARSTREETS.ORG SO YOU CAN SEE WHAT GOT PLOWED AFTER A STORM. TIP YOUR DELIVERY FOLKS A MINIMUM OF 50% OF YOUR BILL FOR GOING OUT IN A BLIZZARD YOU UNGRATEFUL ANIMALS. SHOVEL YOUR ELDERLY NEIGHBOR’S WALK FOR THEM AND ASK THEM IF THEY NEED ANYTHING FROM THE STORE
HAVE A FAVORITE WEATHERPERSON AND GET INTO BAR ARGUMENTS WITH ANYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH YOU. EXPLAIN TO OUT OF TOWNERS THAT IT’S THE ‘WINDY CITY’ BECAUSE OF OUR MOUTHY POLITICIANS, AND BOSTON IS ACTUALLY WINDIER. WEEP QUIETLY WHEN SUFJAN STEVENS’ “CHICAGO” COMES ON.
ALL RISE FOR OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM...
KNOW HOW TO SAY “EXCUSE ME” AND “THANK YOU” IN POLISH, SPANISH, MANDARIN, AND VIETNAMESE. HAVE SEVERAL HOT TAKES ABOUT YOUR ALDERMAN, GOOD AND BAD. PICK A SIDE BETWEEN CUBS/SOX, BUT QUIETLY ROOT FOR THE EITHER TEAM IN THE PLAYOFFS BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS WANT TO DUNK ON OTHER CITIES
LEARN WHAT A “SLASHIE” IS. KNOW THAT MADISON AND STATE ARE THE ZERO STREETS. THE LAKE IS ALWAYS EAST. THERE ARE 8 BLOCKS TO A MILE. IF YOU SEE AN ADDRESS THAT SAYS “1600 N” KNOW THAT YOU’RE ABOUT TWO MILES NORTH OF MADISON. CONGRATS, YOU NOW KNOW HOW TO NAVIGATE THE GRID.
