Thread by @ghweldon

MARY: How's the room?

JOSEPH: Um ... rustic.

MARY: It's clean, though?

JOSEPH: Well, it's not immaculate. (To self) But then who is.

MARY: Hm?

JOSEPH: Nothing.

MARY: A BARN?

JOSEPH: A bungalow.

MARY: A STABLE?

JOSEPH: A cabin.

MARY: THAT... IS AN OXEN.

JOSEPH: "Ox." There's just one.

[MOO]

JOSEPH: Nope two sorry my bad

MARY: You didn't call ahead?

JOSEPH: Yeah about that see I sort of figured the omnipotent being whose son you're carrying might you know HANDLE THE LOGISTICS

ANGEL: Need anything? A tiny bottled water?

MARY (weakly): I'm.. ok. Just - just this splitting headache and-

ANGEL: Great (into phone) send in the kid with the drum.

MARY: What.

MELCHIOR: Gold!

MARY: Uh-huh.

BALTHAZAR: Frankincense!
MARY: Yep.

CASPAR: Myrrh!

MARY: Got it thanks.

TRISH: Bath beads!

MARY: OOOH AWESOME

SHEPHERD: Nice manger.

JOSEPH: I'm gonna rip these walls out, re-wire it.

S: Gonna make it all CCXX?

J: ... CCXX, CCXXI, whatever it takes.

ANGEL: He's here! He’s here!

MARY: What?

GOD: Hey girl

JOSEPH: Oh fer-

GOD: So uh ... Is that him? The kid?

JOSEPH: Are you KIDDING me.

MARY: Sh, Joe. .... Yes.

JOSEPH: "Is that him?" Seriously? All-knowing much?

MARY: Joseph!

JOSEPH: Mary. Come on. The child. Is. GLOWING. "Is that him"!

MARY: Go see if a room opened up, Joe.

GOD: Yeah, do that.

JOSEPH: I'M STAYI-(poof)

GOD: He's got your eyes, M.

MARY: And your-

GOD: Beatitude? Ineffable perfection?

MARY: See I was going to say feet. But sure ok.

GOD: ...

MARY: ... Also he glows, so.

GOD: No yep that too sure

INNKEEPER: Hey Joseph once again sorry we were overbooked last night but I got a suite that just opened up and hold up wait WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE

JOSEPH: Oh, they're not staying with us. They're passing through. THEY’RE PASSING THROUGH, RIGHT GUYS?

SHEPHERD #3: I dunno. Nicer'n our lean-to.

INNKEEPER: there are fire codes

WAITER: Room service.

JOSEPH: Hi.

WAITER: Where can I put it?

JOSEPH: In the manger.

WAITER: ...

JOSEPH: (sighs) Why does nobody know what a manger — The TROUGH.

WAITER: Got it. So uh like ATOP the glowing baby, or...

SHEPHERD #2: Your majesty?

CASPAR: Yes?

SHEPHERD #2: You brought the myrrh, right? The ointment?

CASPAR: I did.

SHEPHERD #2: Could my friends and I have a little? Just a dab or two? It’s just we’re shepherds, see, and we’re sore afraid.

JOSEPH: Out.

JOSEPH: Ok shepherds don’t mind me I’m just gonna spray some of this frankincense around the place freshen it up a bit right ha ha then I thought I’d pop out for some supplies can I get you guys anything like toothbrushes or

MARY: Joe, do you think we could maybe ... ask everyone to leave, already?

DRUMMER BOY: [pa rum pa pun pum!]

MARY: Like especially him? Painfully?

JOSEPH: I got you boo.

GUYS GUYS GUYS.

WE APPRECIATE THE MAZEL TOVS, BUT THE LINE BETWEEN PAYING RESPECTS AND SQUATTING?

IT.

HAS.

BEEN.

CROSSED.

MELCHIOR: But we ... we followed a star!

JOSEPH: Stars are fixed. You “followed” a comet

Maybe a planet.

But whatever. Anyway all of this happened in mid-summer. We’re all just pretending it’s December because in the third century the pagan ritual of Yule will get co-opt-

INNKEEPER: Did you enjoy your stay with us?

JOSEPH: ... what.

INNKEEPER: Great! One night, your bill comes to 20 denarii.

J: ... oh I don't THINK so.

INNKEEPER: No wait, you're right; I'm wrong.

J: Damn right. I mean it's a BARN.

INNKEEPER: With breakfast, 22 denarii.

(One month later)
JOSEPH: Oh, fer -
MARY: What is it?
JOSEPH: It’s from that dump we stayed in in Bethlehem. “Please rate our service.”
MARY: Let it go, Joe.
JOSEPH: (cracks knuckles)
MARY: Joe.
JOSEPH: Mary. Fleas, I’d let go. Bedbugs, even.
MARY: This again.
JOSEPH: NOT ANTHRAX

MARY: It’s not a big deal. You’re fine. I’m fine. Let it go.
JOSEPH. The only reason we’re fine is we could rub our magic glowing baby on each other.
MARY: I know.
JOSEPH: Otherwise we’d be dead.
MARY: Uh huh.
JOSEPH: That’s worth knocking off a Michelin star, don’t you think?