Thread by @RuthMBuchanan

Last week, I put out a call to Christian singles, asking if there was anything they'd like to say anonymously about being single in the church. They delivered. Between now and Wednesday (2/13), I'll be posting their responses on a rolling basis. 1/

If you're single, this thread is to give voice to your perspectives. If you're married, this thread will open a window into what your single friends are dealing with spiritually, relationally & emotionally. If you're a pastor/leader, this thread can inform your ministry. 2/

Everyone's perspectives & experiences are different, of course, but I'd encourage you to approach this thread w/ a listening & learning posture. Instead of saying, "Well, singles at OUR church aren't experiencing THAT," double check by asking singles which tweets resonate. 3/

I'll be posting responses in the order that they came in. Thanks to everyone for your responses!

For more on my book The Proper Care & Feeding of Singles: How Pastors, Marrieds, and Church Leaders Effectively Support Solo Memebers, click the link in my bio & scroll down. 4/

"One of the worst things about being single isn’t necessarily being alone but rather being subtly (and probably unintentionally) judged for being single." #SingleAtChurch

"I’ve found the default assumption is that I’m single because I’ve done something wrong or have some fatal flaw, and this can come out in weird and sometimes hurtful ways. It’s been a process embracing self-esteem grounded in my identity in Christ." #SingleAtChurch

"I've grown to love my calling of being single. I'd really love to have other Christians share my joy of my calling rather than feel sad for me." #SingleAtChurch

"Please make your definitions of femininity & masculinity broader than wife/mother & husband/father." #SingleAtChurch

"When everyone your age is dating or getting married and you're being asked to stay single because of your sexuality, one can't help but start to feel left out and less-than." #SingleAtChurch

"If you are looking for a partner, your options within your church can be limited. Depending on the size of the church, there may be only one or two other single people your age in the church, and there's like a 50% chance they're the wrong sex." #SingleAtChurch

"Yes, I’m single. Yes, I’m happy. No, I don’t need you to fix me up with your brother-in-law’s third cousin twice removed that you barely know." #SingleAtChurch

"Families, couples - please don’t lock down your homes at Christmas and other ‘family times’. Invite people without families in. We need you. And we’ll bless you. Honest!" #SingleAtChurch

"Church leaders - stop promoting marriage as the ideal. It’s not. It’s good, but singleness is better. That’s what the Bible says, but I’ve never heard a preacher who seems to believe it. I’m not sure I believe it either, but let’s try?" #SingleAtChurch

"Being single + disabled/wheelchair user = ignored frequently/spoken to using high pitched squeaking voice tilted head and big smile without wanting really communicate with you." #SingleAtChurch

"If with someone else, you’re ignored and people around you asked questions/greeted like long lost friends/excluded from groups rotas, etc" #SingleAtChurch

"Frequently have sit alone, as only certain places in the church happy to have wheelchair positioned and so at side, whilst all couples sit together with each other almost putting too many people in a pew." #SingleAtChurch

"Been told we didn’t invite you to XYZ social event (maybe birthday party, etc.) because you would make it awkward (eg the numbers would be odd)." #SingleAtChurch

"Been very unwell for few months, and only now people are starting to remember I haven’t been there. They were told how unwell I actually was!" #SingleAtChurch

"I know if I was a married couple, especially with family, they would have visitors and meals cooked for them. Why not the same pastoral care for single people?" #SingleAtChurch

"Been asked if gay by several people over years OR why didn’t you choose to get married and have a family, then?" #SingleAtChurch

"I am 41 and never had my first date in my life. I often feel judged because I choose not to do what is 'normal' in the eyes of people." #SingleAtChurch

"Everywhere I go there are Sunday schools and programs for kids, teens, young adults, older people, and married people. But never a singles group of any kind unless it is activities rather than Bible studies and group ministries." #SingleAtChurch

"Saying things like 'you’ll understand when you have a wife,' and, 'when you’re married' really hurt." #SingleAtChurch

"I am a gay guy pursuing chastity through celibacy. I don’t really have marriage in my cards. Doesn’t mean I don’t wish I did. The expectation of marriage hurts single people because I may never meet that expectation." #SingleAtChurch

"Singleness is better than being in a relationship or married. Freedom to love and spend time with as many people as possible, not just one." #SingleAtChurch

"Sometimes your single friends really do want you to introduce them to someone. And sometimes they'd prefer you didn't. Don't be afraid to ask if it's okay to set them up on a date. Even the most committed Christian single will at least appreciate a new friend." #SingleAtChurch

"Don't tell me I'm part of your family when what you really mean is that I'm a close friend." #SingleAtChurch

"Don't say 'There's someone for everybody.' It's not true, and it's not for church people to lie." #SingleAtChurch

"If teaching, make sure you are clear about whether you're talking about relationships in general or marriage specifically. Hint: You might miss half of your audience." #SingleAtChurch

"If you tend to ask only married people at church to help you, think about why. And if you consider singles being less reliable, really think about why." #SingleAtChurch

"Think about your jokes. They tell a lot about your thoughts. Do your jokes tell others that you suppose them to marry before 25?" #SingleAtChurch

"Realize that people of all ages date, not only 15-25 yo. If you talk about it as a teenage thing, your single friend will probably choose to confide in someone else when things get moving, and you will be the last to know." #SingleAtChurch

"Don't say, "I know you'll find someone one day," because you don't. And your twelve-year-old son or daughter might think that's the point of life, and it most definitely is not." #SingleAtChurch

"Don't pity singles. Don't envy singles." #SingleAtChurch

"Before preaching on marriage, read Paul. At least twice." #SingleAtChurch

"Don't suggest to see me because your partner is away and it's soooo lonely. Suggest to see me because you want to see me." #SingleAtChurch

"Make sure singles feel welcome at church when turning up with a friend of the opposite sex. Hint: Welcome does not necessarily include being stared at or interrogated." #SingleAtChurch

"Don't say, 'I absolutely understand the struggle of celibacy' if you married before turning 23." #SingleAtChurch

"Yes, I could come for dinner without you also inviting your only single male friend. I've met him and he's really not my type." #SingleAtChurch

"Don't assume I want you pray for me to find someone. Ask first." #SingleAtChurch

"The game changer for me as a single in the church is the couple who welcomes me into their family and has me over multiple times a week. We make dinner together, watch movies, and pray. It’s hard to be lonely when you’re not left alone." #SingleAtChurch

"I absolutely agree that people should not treat singleness like it is second class or 'a season.' But I also get weary of people dismissing my desire when I express my longing for marriage." #SingleAtChurch

"'Oh, marriage is hard, too!' Or 'Eh, marriage isn’t everything.' I understand that they may just be trying to help me manage my expectations, but it feels like I can’t win. Either I’m less of a person for being single, or I’m naive for wanting to be married." #SingleAtChurch

"I've been in this church for 18 years and have seen singleness addressed only once in a sermon." #SingleAtChurch

"Seems we're concerned with strengthening marriages but not working at all on friendships or loving singles like full-fledged members of the family of God." #SingleAtChurch

"When you only choose married folks with kids to light the Advent candles that communicates a lot to me about who you want front and center in our church." #SingleAtChurch

"As a single woman, it's really hurtful when the only time church families get in touch with me is to ask me to babysit their kids." #SingleAtChurch

"I went to a church where every time the pastor baptized a baby he would talk about 'when he/she starts dating, gets married, has kids...' One Sunday I realized I had held my breath the whole time he was speaking. Made me feel like a misfit every time." #SingleAtChurch

"I haven't heard many sermon illustrations involving singles, but every one I've heard basically used singleness as a symbol of unfulfilled longing which made me suspect that I'm assumed to be pathetic and miserable. Which is not true and kind of insulting." #SingleAtChurch

"When you teach your children and youth the assumption that they will be married someday, it can create false expectations for them as adults. Don’t say 'when you’re married' but 'if you're married.' Also, use other relationships like friendship in your examples." #SingleAtChurch

"Yes, I know you’re 25 and you’re looking for friendship with other women, but can I set you up with my 18-year-old son? He needs a positive influence in his life.” #SingleAtChurch

"According to the church, there are 3 levels of life: Childhood. College. Married. Once you're out of college it's like you don't exist. Nothing is for you." #SingleAtChurch

"I've been asked to provide free childcare on several occasions, but when they were desperately looking for a woman to lead children's ministries I was never approached, despite the fact that I have multiple degrees in children and education." #SingleAtChurch

"You know what the worst part is? The patronizing attitudes. The sympathetic head tilts. The knee pats. The "it'll happening someday sweetie" and "It's such a pity, you would be SUCH a great mom!" I have enough of it to last a lifetime and I'm not even 30 yet." #SingleAtChurch

"I have never, EVER seen a single man receive that same knee pat or be told it's a pity he isn't a father. My brother is single. He's never been patronized the way I have been." #SingleAtChurch

"Teach your kids (that includes your daughters, folks!) that their dreams, goals, interests, career plans, or whatever, shouldn't rely on finding a partner first." #SingleAtChurch

This concludes the #SingleAtChurch thread. Thanks to all who sent comments as well as those who read and shared the thread. My intention is not to foment discontent but to peel back the veil and allow a glimpse into what singles in the church are dealing with.

To learn more about identifying & individually serving the five basic groups of singles in the church (Never-Marrieds, Divorced, Widowed, Older, and the Functionally Single), please consider my book The Proper Care and Feeding of Singles. #SingleAtChurch
amazon.com/Proper-Care-Fe…

Some other great resources by singles:
One by One: Welcoming the Singles in Your Church @ginadalfonzo
Party of One: Truth, Longing, and the Subtle Art of Singleness @JBsTwoCents
This wonderful article at @CTmagazine by @sista_theology - christianitytoday.com/women/2017/jan…

I've also heard great things about @KateWharton27's book Single Minded: Being Single, Whole, and Living Life to the Full. (It's on my Kindle but unread!) Feel free to link your favorite resources.

Thanks again, everybody.
#SingleAtChurch
END THREAD

Aaaaaaand tonight the women from my Bible study brought me flowers. I feel loved and cherished! 😍😍😭

It's so simple, folks.
#SingleAtChurch