Thread by @garius

<Parliament. Saturday morning>

JULIAN SMITH: So. Who has Castle Mayskull sent me this morning... a princess, a geek, a basketcase a rebel and... a Grayling
MCVEY: Hey
WILLIAMSON: What?
RUDD:
HAMMOND: Fuck you Julian
GRAYLING: Hello!

SMITH: Welcome all of you, to the Brexit Club

SMITH: Now I don't know why Theresa sent you to detention and I don't care. You are mine for five hours. In that time, you will NOT talk to each other...
HAMMOND: This is absurd.
SMITH: Got something to say to me, Hammond?
HAMMOND: No.
SMITH:
HAMMOND: Sir.

SMITH: Today, you will each write an essay. It will be called 'What I think Brexit is'
WILLIAMSON: If I finish early sir can I go?
RUDD: Lol
MCVEY: God Gavin, you are such a geek.
WILLIAMSON: What? It's a fair question.
SMITH: No Williamson. You cannot.

SMITH: Now, I'll be in my office down the hall. But this door stays open, and if I hear one PEEP from this committee room, there'll be consequences. Clear?
WILLIAMSON/RUDD/MCVEY: Yes sir.
SMITH: Hammond?
HAMMOND:
SMITH:
HAMMOND <sarcastic>: Sir

HAMMOND Okay he's gone. I'm shutting the door
WILLIAMSON: Julian said not to!
HAMMOND: Gavin, two weeks ago you practically declared war on China. Are you REALLY that scared of the Chief Whip?
MCVEY: I don't like this
HAMMOND: Oh for fuck sake, I'll do it quietly. <click> there.

HAMMOND: So how did you lot offend Castle Mayskull then?
WILLIAMSON: We're meant to be writing our essays...
HAMMOND: RELAX Gavin. We're here for five hours. Let's chat.
MCVEY: He's got a point.
HAMMOND: Bingo. And Chris agrees too, don't you?
GRAYLING: Sorry, what?
HAMMOND: See.

HAMMOND: What about you Amber? Wanna chat?
RUDD: *shrug*
MCVEY: You won't get anything out of her
RUDD: *sticks her tongue out*
MCVEY: See? She's been like this since last April.
WILLIAMSON: Guys, someone's coming! Shhh.

<door opens>

MILIBAND: Oh. Hello everyone.

MILIBAND: Just out for a stroll
ALL: *snigger*
MILIBAND: Ah. I see. It's like that. I used to be like you. I had dreams. Even an Ed Stone. But I learned I wasn't special. Neither are you.
ALL:
MILIBAND: Remember this: EVERY MP is just one bad bacon butty away from the backbenches

HAMMOND: Well that was sobering
MCVEY: Is he right?
WILLIAMSON: We're DIFFERENT though.
MCVEY: Yes!
HAMMOND: I'll NEVER be like that.
RUDD: He's right you know
HAMMOND: She speaks!
RUDD: Only when I want to now. And he's right. Two words: Windrush Scandal
MCVEY: Oh
RUDD: Exactly.

WILLIAMSON: I'm hungry
MCVEY: Me too
HAMMOND: Let's go to the Terrace Cafe
WILLIAMSON: Julian said to stay here
HAMMOND: It's the other way, he won't see us. I do it all the time
MCVEY: You're here a lot?
HAMMOND: Yup. So's Chris.
GRAYLING: Hello!
HAMMOND: That's the spirit, pal

<The Terrace Cafe>

MCVEY: This was a good call
HAMMOND: Told you. So why HAS Theresa given you detention?
MCVEY: You'll laugh
HAMMOND: We won't
MCVEY: Promise?
WILLIAMSON: Sure
MCVEY: It was for founding Ladies for Leave
RUDD: HA!
MCVEY: You promised!
HAMMOND: He did, she didn't

WILLIAMSON: Wait, 'Ladies for Leave' is REAL?!
MCVEY: Yes!
HAMMOND: I'm with Gavin here. I assumed it was a MASSIVE troll
MCVEY: Why does no one believe me?!
RUDD: Lol
HAMMOND: Oh come on. It IS pretty funny!
MCVEY: It's REAL, why can no one accept this?!

MCVEY: Everyone thinks that I'm joking.
WILLIAMSON: But 'Ladies for Leave', I mean...
MCVEY: Why is it silly that I want a place where I can just chat to other ladies who like Brexit?
ALL:
MCVEY: Is that REALLY so wrong?
HAMMOND: I mean...
MCVEY: I just want a place to be me
ALL:

MCVEY: So come on then Gavin, why are YOU here?
WILLIAMSON: I don't really...
MCVEY: Come on. You laughed at me but I told you. Your turn. Why are you in detention?
HAMMOND: She's got a point
WILLIAMSON: Okay! Fine! I... told The Sun I'd use the army to stop gang crime
MCVEY: Wow

MCVEY: You threatened to send the army in to deal with knife crime?
WILLIAMSON: I was angry okay! Flustered! Wasn't thinking straight!
MCVEY: Why?
WILLIAMSON: Someone went into my office and broke all my Space Marines
HAMMOND: Oh
WILLIAMSON: What's that Phil?
HAMMOND: Um, Nothing

WILLIAMSON: You all think it's EASY being Defence Minister?
MCVEY: Kinda? Prance about in a flak jacket, don't lose the Falklands. Not that hard
WILLIAMSON: The Pressure is INTENSE. I sold fireplaces. I wasn't a soldier. Every night I have nightmares about looking shit in a tank.

WILLIAMSON: What about you then Phil? Why are you in detention
HAMMOND: Me? I'm here all the time
MCVEY: Don't dodge the question! Everyone else is fessing up
HAMMOND: No they aren't. Amber hasn't...
RUDD: I'll tell you
MCVEY: What?
RUDD: I don't care. I'll tell you why I'm here.

WILLIAMSON: That's the most words you've said all day
RUDD: See? You all look at me like that now. Like I'm a basket case. None of you talk to me
WILLIAMSON: I wasn't...
MCVEY: I wouldn't...
RUDD: You don't. No-one does. Since Windrush. You all look at me like I'm damaged goods.

RUDD: I figured if everyone in the party thinks I'm damaged, why hold back about how shit we are on benefits? So I just say what I think
HAMMOND: Which has its problems...
RUDD: That was an accident!
HAMMOND: Just saying...
RUDD: Anyway. The PM can't fire me. So she sends me here

MCVEY: Wait, what? Of COURSE the PM could fire you!
RUDD: Nope. Think about it. Small majority, plus collective responsibility. There's, like, 27 people left who can be ministers now
WILLIAMSON: That can't be true
RUDD: We're ALL safe. Your proof is sitting there
GRAYLING: Hello!

RUDD: Tell everyone why you're in detention, Chris.
GRAYLING: God, I don't know really. I mean it's quite hard to narrow it down.
RUDD: Go on, have a go.
GRAYLING: Where to start though?
HAMMOND: Maybe limit yourself to stuff from THIS week?
GRAYLING: That doesn't really help.

GRAYLING: Well I broke the probation system. Then there's the ferries thing. Plus I was in the wrong voting lobby. That was bad. Then there's the EU pallet shortage...
MCVEY: Jesus
WILLIAMSON: No wonder you're in detention
GRAYLING: Actually I'm not finished yet

GRAYLING: So I accidentally removed all the cheap rail fares in my own constituency too. And tried to hide from the ferry debate in Parliament...
HAMMOND: Is this going to take much longer? We've only got four hours.
RUDD: See. If she can't fire CHRIS, then how can she fire us?

HAMMOND: That is... a LOT of fuck-ups Chris
GRAYLING: Oh I know
MCVEY: You do?
GRAYLING: Oh yes. I know you laugh at me, but it's not nice being bulletproof you know
WILLIAMSON: Sorry, what?
GRAYLING: I'd actually quite like to be fired.

MCVEY: You WANT to be fired?!
GRAYLING: Well I AM a bit rubbish
HAMMOND: Well
GRAYLING: It just never happens. Whenever I muck something up I just seem to fail upwards
RUDD <sarcasm>: "The White Male's Burden." You poor thing
GRAYLING: What I'd really like to do is drive lorries

WILLIAMSON: You want to be a lorry driver?
GRAYLING: Oh yes. I'm actually quite good at it you know.
HAMMOND: To be fair, he is.
GRAYLING: Thank you
HAMMOND: Ten four good buddy
GRAYLING: That doesn't actually mean...
HAMMOND: Just take the fucking compliment Chris.

RUDD <sarcasm>: Well I'm terribly sorry that you're suffering at the hands of society's addiction to promoting crap, white men, Chris.
GRAYLING: Thank you, that does help.
RUDD: I didn't mean that as a...
GRAYLING:
RUDD: Never mind.

WILLIAMSON: Go on then, Phil. Why are you in detention?
HAMMOND: You don't want to know
WILLIAMSON: Yes I do!
HAMMOND: Nope
MCVEY: We've all fessed up!
HAMMOND: Well you asked for this... Theresa found out I broke your Space Marines
WILLIAMSON: That was YOU?! You UTTER shit!

WILLIAMSON: YOU BROKE MY SPACE MARINES?!
HAMMOND: You deserved it. That shit with China...
WILLIAMSON: The Ultragavines are a CUSTOM CHAPTER. I'd written EXTENSIVE LORE
HAMMOND: This isn't making me regret my decision
SMITH: WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE!
MCVEY: Shit! Smith heard us

MCVEY: What are we going to do?! The Chief Whip's coming!
WILLIAMSON: We're fucked
HAMMOND:
HAMMOND: Fuck it. Stay here. I'll distract him
RUDD: What?!
HAMMOND: He hates me anyway. Wait here.
MCVEY: Phil!
HAMMOND: Run back when he passes. Don't leave Chris behind
GRAYLING: Hello!

<a Parliamentary corridor>

SMITH: What's going on out here?
HAMMOND <runs and sings>: I don't know but I've been told / Julian Smith broke the pairing code! / In Commons votes it's plain to see! / Julian Smith couldn't even whip cream!
SMITH: HAMMOND, YOU SHIT! COME BACK HERE!

<Five minutes later. Committee room>

SMITH <slamming door>: Get back in there! Finish that GODDAMN essay!
MCVEY: He caught you?
HAMMOND: He's surprisingly fast
MCVEY: Why did you do that? Cover for us, I mean.
GRAYLING: Oh Phil's actually quite a nice man
HAMMOND: Shut up, Chris

RUDD: So what do we do about this essay?
HAMMOND: I say let Gavin write it. For all of us
WILLIAMSON: You sure?
MCVEY: Agreed
HAMMOND: And Gavin... I'm sorry about your Space Marines
WILLIAMSON: Thanks Phil. I know you won't do it again
HAMMOND: We both know that's not true Gavin

<Committee room. Smith enters. There is a single essay on the table>

Dear Mr Smith.

We accept that we had to sacrifice a Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you what we think Brexit means.

Because we found out today that we're all just ministers in Theresa May's Government of Dunning-Krugerland. We're all a geek

MCVEY: A princess
RUDD: A basket case
HAMMOND: A rebel
GRAYLING: And a Grayling

And that means one thing:

Brexit means Brexit.

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