Thread by @saradannerdukic

Mueller: I’m cooking a giant meal for everyone. I specialize in being very precise, not using nuts, and roasting pigs.

Sane people: You know, he’s generally regarded as one of the world’s best. Whatever he does will be very, very good. Everyone who’s worked with him says his mis en place puts Martha Stewart to shame.

GOP: He doesn’t wash his hands! The internet says so!

Sessions, 2 years prior: I’m afraid of roasted pigs. I say, I say I hereby RECUSE mahself from makin’ culinary decisions.

Trump: Now treason Mr. Clean is AG. He’s gonna make sure this meal is nothing but Big Macs and fried chicken. Ain’t that right, treason Mr. Clean?

Treason Mr. Clean: [gulps] [turns red] I’m sweaty.

GOP: This charade has a shelf life. We gotta hire someone, but who?

Barr: [busts through wall like Mr. Kool-aid] Why, hello! Here’s a 19-page memo - for no particular reason - on how I think Mueller is a terrible cook. But rest assured I can be totally objective when it comes to Mueller’s cooking.

GOP: You’re hired.

Mueller: the meal’s ready now, and—

Barr: EVERYONE! Instead of the meal, here’s a short summary of how I think it tasted. Mueller left it up to me to decide if you should eat it. I can tell you right now at least half of it tasted like Big Macs and fried chicken. The rest is pretty much Cheeto crumbs.

Most people: That’s...that’s weird. We want to taste what he cooked ourselves.

MSM: Mueller’s Cooked Nothing! All he made was food smells! Everyone who wanted food is dumb.

Most people: WTF is happening right now.

Mueller: ....

Congress: Seriously, your summary isn’t a meal. We’re f*cking hungry. And we’re pretty sure Mueller didn’t make us Big Macs and Cheetos.

Barr: Well, it’s not a *summary* per se, but more like a summary.

Congress: Like we said. We’re still f*cking hungry.

MSM: Asking questions? Hungry? You’re a Conspiracy Theorist and Owe Everyone an Apology! You Already Ate a Meal! Your Stomach is Growling Because You’re Insane!

Mueller: ...

MSM: we’re starting to hear that people are hungry and maybe didn’t eat after all.

Barr: Well, there might be more than a Big Mac…it’s [whispers] it’s actually a 20-course meal.

Everyone who’s sane: WUT. WTAF. Bring the food out. Now.

Barr: Well, I need to inspect the meal. Make sure there aren’t any nuts. Allergies, etc. You know.

Congress: We’re still f*cking hungry. Like hungry enough to eat 400 pieces of paper.

Mueller’s sous chefs - the best sous chefs in the world, who also specialize in precision and not using nuts: [clear throats] Hear this now. We purposely, *specifically* did not include any nuts.

We prepared a sample platter - *specifically with no nuts* - for each course, to give everyone the general idea of what this meal is.

We are preparing other meals right now in NY, Virginia, DC, etc., and can’t ruin the overall surprise. Also, Barr, you were never asked your opinion on how it tasted. You were asked to bring out the sample platters.

Us: [which may or may not include roasted pig]

Tech companies:

Congress: [starts pounding table]

Barr: ummmmm....Mueller put nuts in the tasting platters? I need to send all of them to the lab. It will take weeks and weeks.

MSM/Tech:

History:

#SUBPOENATHESUMMARIES