Thread by @socialistdogmom

after nearly 7 minutes of grandpa-based exposition, they finally tell me what this movie is called.

this movie is telling on itself already

oh so we’re just smearing our blood on artifacts we found, ok

watching nick cage solve a riddle is a real treat for everyone

shut up, nerd

riddle-based murder insurance
(while i was typing this everything caught on fire, including a man)

ah damn i hope he memorized that blood riddle. the whole dang boat blew up. (why was this english boat buried under the snow in the arctic?)

our heroes have tried to report the impending theft to the FBI but the FBI did not care.
the dialogue is so bad.

do NOT call them treasure hunters

he’s a treasure protector ok

in what way does this microwave enchilada enhance our understanding of nick cage’s character?

very cool montage of our two heroes preparing themselves for the crime of the century. he’s so ready to pour... country time lemonade? on the declaration of independence.

this guy went from “too nervous to ride in a cool snow truck” to “extremely ready to set up a remote hacking layer in a closet inside a subway station and commit dozens of federal crimes” in like, 45 seconds.

wait, how is this movie over two hours long? does the entire rest of the film take place over the course of this same evening as nick cage bravely steals the map so the bad guy can’t do the same bad thing he’s doing?

nick knows what ladies like to hear

i don’t understand the character choices being made here

ok i know i’m supposed to be rooting against the “bad guys” who are making nick cage do good guy crime to protect the treasure, but they did make their re-entry into the film by tasing a rent-a-cop...

i just yelled “it’s valley forge, you idiots” a full four seconds before nick cage guessed the pretty lady archivist’s vault password.

is this a morality tale about the importance of team work? because dueling groups of thieves is really undercutting everyone’s ability to steal the declaration of independence.

IS HE USING THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE TO SHIELD HIMSELF FROM GUNFIRE? some treasure protector you are, sir!

the pretty lady archivist’s eye makeup is the worst part of the movie so far and it’s not a very good movie.

oh no now the bad guys have the blonde lady AND the declaration of independence inside their food truck/getaway vehicle. i spy a frying pan that is definitely gonna be used as a weapon in the next 5 minutes.

oh he faked em all out. the bad guys got a FAKE! and now our hero has a hostage/new friend.

oh wow the fbi guy is having to ‘fess up that they got a tip that they dismissed as not credible and then the crime actually happened. he sure does look sheepish. i bet this never happens in real life. the fbi always takes tips about crimes very seriously.

what an incredible genius using his credit card in the course of committing multiple felonies.

very cool scene where nick cage just tells a woman to be quiet 17 times.

reading the president’s tweets:

hell yes these fbi agents are just googling ben franklin conspiracy theories about how he pretended to be a middle aged woman when he was a teen so he could write mysterious letters to the editor

the daddy issues subplot is really flaring up

oh wow she really is rubbing a q-tip on a lemon and swabbing the dang declaration of independence with it, huh?

if i ever get kidnapped i hope it’s not from a gala. like, imagine the added stress of being in a gown and heels through all this stress.

(faint ping) ah yes... noodles.

finally getting out of that gown and into some brand placement

wait nick cage and the blonde lady were just flirting in an urban outfitters dressing room while the nerdy guy was paying a child to crack the cipher? now that we’ve got all that out of the way, are we going to the liberty bell?

thank god ben franklin left us all these clues

i would’ve asked jeeves, but i’m not four guys with a laptop trying to outcrime nick cage 🤷‍♀️

he found ben franklin’s original prototype for 3D glasses inside this brick!

wow

damn that henchman really got foiled by gates.

(like, an actual gate and also the character’s name is gates)

look you know i’m loathe to side with a cop, but this guy is right - nicholas cage DID steal the declaration of independence and that did not make it safer from the worse guy who then stole it from him. those are just facts.

heist number 3: nick cage and the FBI team up for ONE LAST HEIST!

wait i spaced out for a second why did nick cage just leap three stories into the hudson river?

just doing some straight up grave robbing now.

nope, just kidding... they aren’t stealing from the corpse, just moving it so they can climb down the weird tunnel inside his tomb. obviously.

you laugh, but ask ben carson. he’ll tell you.

the treasure must be at the bottom of this infinite abyss

i’m starting to feel like clomping all over this 200+ year old dry rotted wooden structure was a bad plan

this is making me so anxious. i do not have the upper body strength to survive an ordeal like this.

otto, c’mon

wow father and son are really mending their relationship here in the treasure room. the treasure has already been stolen, i guess, but maybe the real treasure was the friendships they made along the way.

jk fuck that noise we found real treasure and we are putting our grubby mitts all OVER these priceless ancient artifacts

nick cage’s character has exhibited a really upsetting degree of confidence re: what he should and shouldn’t set on fire

oh SHIT y’all this fbi guy has a FREEMASON RING

so this movie is just a ben franklin qanon treasure hunt patriot wish fulfillment

the most realistic thing about this movie is the fbi not knowing their ass from their elbow & focusing their energy on monitoring the good guy who is just trying to stop a bad guy the government doesn’t know or care about.