Thread by @delaneykingrox

1) How I became a better dungeon master by being a lazy bitch.

By Delaney King

2) I stopped writing adventures about two years into my DMming journey.

Mainly because my players where little bitches who liked to wander off track, but also because they where oh so good at it.

3) instead, I would prepare sheets of what I called 'food'.

These tucked safely behind my DM screen, unbeknownst my my players, I would forge adventures on the fly.

Entirely with their help.

4) on my food sheets where key words, pictures of actors, monsters and things.

5) my key words featured lists of cool, memorable names I would come up with.

Decades later, my scifi players still remember Prodo Skank and Munan Gilgire- two theives they worked with on Skaramang.

Until they met them, those where just names on a sheet

6) along with names, I have a list of character hooks- memorable things about people that I can grab and slap on
-A bizarre lolloping gait.
-An ornate hooked hand with a second hook at the tip.
-huge curly orange hair tied up at the top like a great gobstopper

7) another important keyword list was chapter titles.

I would fuck around coming up with cool sounding chapter titles like

"Six dead guys"
"Immolation station"
"Forget the flan!"
"Silver melts"
"Raining hearts in the dirt"

8) as one beat of the adventure came to a close, my eyes would fix upon one of the many chapter titles, and themes would come flowing from that.

9) I would try to find a theme for each beat- an encounter may have a theme of "tied".

Again, a list of cool and powerful words came in handy.

10) pictures helped- a cast of actors, models and things I could pull a description from.

Theme: tied tight

Munan Gilgire is a balding- what little hair he has is black and slicked about his head. He has a small, tense mouth. His leather jacket has laced arms pulled tight.

11) all these sheets helped me pull things from the ether quickly and allow me to check my notes to recall them.

Players thought I was reading from a scenario book.

12) but all this aside, the biggest trick I use is " bait and pay."

I had a rough idea of what the players where up against but this was a default.

You know who is really good at coming up with ideas of what the hell is going on from a few clues?

Your players.

13) sure, Cassidy was the werewolf and he was holed up at the bar but... yes, player, that is a great idea...what IF it was the waistrel children sleeping under Mary Mackrels toll bridge?

Suddenly, the show was about a coven creepy assed child monsters banding together

14) so no that adventure ended with the players stuck up a collapsing derelict funfare wheel as muddy children, stinking of blood and magic clawed their way up to devour them.

That was a hell of a fight.

15) a showdown with Cassidy the werewolf in a tavern? Yeah, fuck that guy... gimme evil funfare waifs instead.

16) so the important trick I learned was to listen.

Players LOVE to dig themselves into the shit.

17) being able to bring things back to a theme or set a mood via a chapter title gave structure and flavor to the madness, the solid names and descriptions gave landmarks.

The rest of my time preparing? well, that was just selecting which flavor of pringles I would bring.

18) adventures are rollercoasters, they are symphonies, they are novels.

Build them for the players by listening to what is exciting the players. What are they dreading, what will make them feel clever for "guessing", what is the twist they where not expecting.

Roll with them.

19) if this has helper you, toss me some gold peices for provisions so I can recover some hit points.

ko-fi.com/dellak

20. *Helped

Ooh but what if the murderer has a helper? Whose name is... (glance down) Frenchie Tomkins... who (glance down), fell in love on a boat with her? And she (glance down) is desperate to please people.

21. Cassidy the werewolf is probably still in that tavern, waiting for the players to arrive. His beard long and greys, his eyes distant, his yellowed claw like fingernails carving marks on the table as each year passes. He shall never give up hope that they will free him.

22.
Chapters

An inch is enough
Maggots falling
Send in the crowns
Switch bitch
Staggering for profit
Fun fare
Lost in loss
A gathering of silks
E1M1
Fall and the world falls with you
Breezes
Your death required
Sandwich dreams
Plots for days
Dude, Where art my Wagon?
Revenged

23. Things

A fistful of dollars
A stick of iron with a face
Keys made of wood
Scratched to buggery
Smell bad- tastes good
Whippet with attitude
Green and white Windmill
Sword in a broken sheath
Emily's lost toy
A fixer upper
A box of hammers
Satchel of horrors
Filing cabinets

24. Character hooks

Accidental moustache
Dressed like a former clown
Scratches invisible bugs
Hair suspiciously short
Prim and proper
Holyer than thou
A scar that looks like a P
Relies on a dog
Obsessed with a puzzle
Crutches covered in notes
A silver lined hood
A badge of a fox

25. Themes

Dolls
Emptiness
Tied too tight
Passing into nothing
Happy fun times
Pretty on the inside
Worn
Slave to a master
Rubbery feeling
Clambake
Cheating
Fancy doo dah
Never the same
Gorged
Sliding but fighting
Climbing higher
Run far
Never hidden
Sticky and dusty
Elementary

26. Names

Tamlyn Far
Geoffrey Putimer
Old Sam Begann
Minchinburg Jane
Bourke nevermoore
Sally flips
Corky dwyer
Kendal Festival
Lord Frank
Bessy Berr from down the way
Tommy Pickles
Reverend CC Cusp
Daniel Green
Jefferson Franke
Billy Anna May
Lefty Smallbridge
Morgana LeVrook
T

Have fun. Be kind. Stay sexy.

Just to clarify a few points:

I dont premake npcs, those lists are seperate. When I use something I mark it off and replace it for next game.

I don't use stat blocks. In my system Npcs are treated as challenges with modifiers, players roll to attack or block- I never roll.

I build stuff on the fly so it fits the mood and requirements of the story at the time it is introduced.

I don't need to fuck around with making, storing and finding npcs I never use

That keeps clutter down and allows me to focus on the important work- ensuring players are engaged, thinking, questioning and feel safe/under threat/completely fucked.

I mean, I don't give a shit what a beholder' stats are. I know that at this stage of their adventure, they need to be up against something that is gonna scare the crap out of them. That they have to think hard to beat this moist fucking ball of nightmares and teeth.

I never throw anything at the players they cannot beat in some fashion. That is a solid promise.

Of course the way to beat it may be to run away via a thrilling chase.

Oh yeah, remember spotty Dave at The Gringull' Arms talked about eye lazers bouncing off a mirror and killing his mate Crusty Pete?

Well.. that was your saving throw right there, dipshits.

This is your stat lines, bitches... that beholder is your crisis in act 2. After everyone has had a chance to digest their pizza so they can start bouncing around the table screaming.

Master the 3 act as a whole, and during a session.

Players are gonna get hammered by threat levels depending on the point in the adventure and how smart they played.

(Ok Steve, you CAN rush back into the room full of orcs, armed with a chicken. )