Thread by @DrNerdLove

Alright folks, We’ve got booze, we’ve got snacks, I’ve dragooned Mrs. Dr. NerdLove into this. Let’s get this bullshit on the road.

It’s time for... The Test.

Interesting note: I briefly looked for a (ahem) alternate source for this movie.

There weren’t any.

Nobody wants to pirate it.
Let that sink in for a second.

The movie launches with the credits for the main actors and... well, a sunset on the beach. That’s really about it.

I guess we’re going for that Michael Mann “fuck openings, we’re diving right in” school from Miami Vice.

“It’s so beautiful”
“You know what would make it even more beautiful?”
Me: Acting lessons? #thetest

The female lead is dressed in a green, form fitting formal dress.

Jeremy Seville is dressed in a chambray shirt and chinos like he just came from work.

This is gonna set the tone for the rest of the movie I think.

I think her necklace is twisted and on backwards.

Soooooo we’re just gonna maximize the “stardust” text effect on iMovie, huh?

Five seconds in, one of his douchebag friends is trying to establish that love doesn’t exist because the divorce rate is high and maybe Jeremy shouldn’t get married while his friends are calling it a no-win scenario.

Wow his friends are douchebags.

“Look, I just don’t want to see you become one of those weekend dads while some other dude is diddling her on your dime!”

Shakespeare watch out, Jeremy Saville is here.

“You should test her!”
“Yeah, people do this all the time!”

Soooo is it too late to just go chug a bottle of vodka instead?

“They don’t just put cars on the road, they test them first!”

... well it’s all downhill from here folks.

Ok I was expecting bad writing and bad acting but I was expecting at least competent directing...

Is she *feeding* him the earrings he just bought her?

“We have a *very* special love! I know you, you know me....”

🎶We’re a happy family...🎶

It’s a good thing they keep telling us that they’re in love because you’re not gonna be able to tell from the chemistry void on the screen.

Nothing says “faith in a relationship” like your entire trust in your fiancé being ruined by one dude saying “look, bitches, am I right?”

OOooh plot twist: everything was fine but the fact that a friend of his got divorced after only a year of marriage so NOW HE DOUBTS EVERYTHING

You heard it here first folks: the fact that they had to travel for a friend’s wedding only for them to get divorced was all it took to shatter Jeremy’s faith in the sanctity of marriage.

“Todd got divorced?”
<SCREENWIPE>
“So... how do I go about stress-testing my relationship?”

Sure, rely on the judgement of a guy who’s first impulse is kidnapping, doping and torturing your fiancé to see if she really loves you...

Martini number 2 and we’re only 9 minutes in. Pray for my liver folks. Pray... for Jojo.

Wait, your PRIMARY OBJECTION to — and I can’t stress this enough — KIDNAPPING AND TORTURING HIS FIANCÉ is that HE MIGHT GO TO JAIL.

“Oh wait, I have it!”
<Fade out>

We’ve reached the heady heights of “sitcom pacing”

Enter Discount Store Ewan McGregor...

“If you were my woman, I’d never let you out of my sight”

OK so if this guy’s supposed to be seducing her, he might want to graduate to charm beyond “waggling his eyebrows suggestively” and “Man, what I wouldn’t give to have a chance with you”

Mrs. Dr. NerdLove: Oh my God he’s using the Whisper 2000 to listen in on their conversation.

Me: The what?

Mrs. Dr. NerdLove: How the hell did you make it through the 90s and never see that stupid commercial??

Oh dear God she’s right!

“I know I shouldn’t be so smitten for someone who’s already spoken for...”

What, after 25 seconds? Yes, that totally makes him not creepy.

“I haven’t been so lucky in love. And I’m so very very rich...”

We’ve got a smooth operator here folks.

She’s suddenly forgotten her fiancé’s name.

That’s ok, I don’t think they’ve actually *said* his name yet.

I think we’re supposed to believe she’s tempted by a guy who’s known her for less than 5 minutes, talking about how they’re fated to be together and is “oh so rich” before turning him down.

As opposed to, seriously creeped the fuck out by Johnny Rando.

I’m just saying, Mystery is smoother than this dude.

What doesn’t make sense is why she lies about the guy instead of saying “yeah some dude at the table next to me just started hitting on me and saying weird shit about my name.”

$5 for a green screen
$3000 for a MacBook Pro
A jittery shot badly composited in: priceless

“She did naht take the card! She did naaaaaht! Oh hai Mark...”

“She just wasn’t tempted enough! This means that she’s thinking about him instead of you!”

LOGIC!

“She didn’t take the card, therefor clearly you cannot trust the fiancé in front of you! But if she DID take the card she would’ve CALLED him, therefor you clearly cannot trust the fiancé in front of me!”

“Truly you have a dizzying intellect”
“Wait ‘till I get going!”

This is the story of a man being gaslit by is so-called “friends”.

In a slightly more interesting movie, this would be the story of how one (or all) of his dirtbag friends is trying to break them up so they’d have a chance to get into her panties.

That... is not this movie.

“What if you lost YOUR job and couldn’t buy her stuff?”

Wait, what job? What stuff?

This movie relies a lot on “it’s in the script!”

“I’ve always wanted a small orchestra for the wedding...”

I guess we’re supposed to assume that she’s happy to spend his money, despite the fact that he’s apparently been lavishing her with gifts?

Mrs. Dr. NerdLove: Notice how the first time he gets uncomfortable is because he paid money to go to a wedding when the couple just got divorced a year later?

...shit I think she’s on to something.

In a more interesting movie, he’d be looking for an excuse to back out of the wedding because he’s afraid of her spending all his money.

“Slow down Rockefeller, I don’t think she’s just with you because she wants your money.”

Motherfucker you literally JUST SAID THAT IN THE PREVIOUS SCENE.

“Wait, no housekeeper?”
“Nope”

First of all: what housekeeper? We’ve seen two shots of his apartment. One tight shot of his kitchen and one shot of the two of them on the couch. We have no basis of comparison for how much money he has.

Second -

Mrs. Dr. NerdLove: Hey he freaks out at the thought of not even being able to afford a cleaning service. He’s the one who’s obsessed with money...

Guys, she’s not wrong.

Mrs. Dr. NerdLove: The tagline of this movie is “what if you could know before it was too late?”

Mrs. Dr. NerdLove: I think they mean the fiancé, not bad-haircut-guy.

“I got fired from my ill-defined job.”
“Why?”
“I was accused of insider trading!”
“What are you going to do?”
“What do you mean, me? Shouldn’t you mean us?”
“No, you’re the one who got fired!”

If I were to be fired for insider trading and I kept insisting “It’s not me, I’m being set up by... I dunno, the feds, by jealous co-workers, by the man! YOU KNOW, THE MAN!” My wife would be justified in thinking “Ok, I’m starting to think maybe you did it.”

Mrs. Dr. NerdLove: Oh fuck me, they’re Skylar-ing her! She’s being Skylar’d!

Motion to call “making a sympathetic character into the villain” ‘Skylar’d’.

Why is he sunbathing in cargo shorts?

Mrs. Dr. NerdLove: And why is he grabbing his crotch?

“Wait, so you’re lying to her now to see if she’ll believe you when you tell her that you’re not lying?”

“Exactly!”

When the dude who was in favor of hiring an actor to seduce his friend’s fiancé is the one trying sense into the main character, shit’s gone wrong.

MARTINI NUMBER 3! 23 MINUTES IN!

“You didn’t break the law, did you?”
“No!”
“Are you sure?”

Did they actually hire a screenwriter for this?

Here’s my problem: if he’s trying to see if she loves him for his money, he’d need to explain more than just he lost his job. If he was busted for insider trading, then his assets would likely be frozen too, which would make for a more immediate “Babe, I’m broke conversation.”

But there I go again, trying to write a better movie than the one I’m watching.

Why is she shocked that her suddenly unemployed-and-possibly-felonious fiancé is telling her that they may not be able to afford the wedding?

“Babe I have no money”
“Maybe you should sell some things?”
“YOU WANT ME TO SELL MY BEEMER?”

First of all: this is the first indication that he even HAS a car.
Second:

“What about some stocks and bonds?”
“Baby, that’s my rainy day fund!”

Mrs. Dr. NerdLove: MOTHERFUCKER, IT’S A GODDAMN RAINY DAY!!!

Juliet, the fiancé is upset at not having a lavish wedding. This is the first indication that there’s trouble in paradise, out of the clear goddamn blue sky.

Yup, she’s getting Skylar’d.

Mrs. Dr. NerdLove: She’s more basic than a pumpkin spice latte marrying the most basic man in existence. Are you really shocked that she wants a Basic Expensive Wedding?

Me: Wait, if she’s that traditional, shouldn’t HER parents be paying for this?

Mrs. Dr. NerdLove: I think you’re putting more thought into this than the writers did.

“I spent $50k on your engagement ring alone!”

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU BUY, THE HOPE DIAMOND??

(No, I’m sorry, we see the engagement ring at the beginning. Dude went to Jared.)

I’d go back to screencrap the actual diamond, but I don’t want to subject myself to actually having to spend more time on this piece of shit than is absolutely necessary.

MrsDrNL: I’m sorry if the budget for the WEDDING is $150k, the ring didn’t cost $50k

Me: If he can throw around $50k for a ring, fucker ain’t driving a BMW.

Also, if he’s buying a $50k ring, she’s not gonna be impressed by a dude with a house in St. Barts.

“Come back when you’ve got your own island off the coast of Greece.”

THAT IS NOT A $50,000 ENGAGEMENT RING.

MrsDrNL: Hell if he could afford a $50k engagement ring, he could’ve afforded to get it sized properly! And I’m sorry, even if that’s perfect clarity, that’s MAYBE 3 carats. That’s an $8000 at BEST.

Me: **begins sweating profusely**

ROMANCE!

“Why would you even tell me how much that cost?”
“Well because you seem to think it’s nothing!”

“What if this means a more modest lifestyle?”
“How much more modest?”

This scene is the first time we get legitimate reason to think she’s into his money, which is retroactively justifying his suspicion. Which would really only work in a smarter movie...

MrsDrNL: At least she’s being honest, which is more than we can say for him.

“I don’t know if I could live with a ‘who knows’”

OK THAT’S LEGIT.

When your fiancé — who’s unwilling to sell his car or his “rainy day fund” at a time of financial crisis — is telling you that his life may be in chaos for an unspecified amount of time,THAT’S A LEGIT CONCERN.

There is no sense of place in this movie. Is this new scene supposed to be a billiard hall or his house?

“What if she finds out you weren’t really fired?”

OH LOOK, THE CHARACTERS ARE SMARTER THAN THE WRITER.

HOW THE FUCK AM I ONLY 28 MINUTES INTO THIS GODDAMN MOVIE??

Speaking of no sense of place, Julia’s BFF (I guess) has a Brooklyn accent out of nowhere, when the movie suggests somewhere on the West Cost.

MrsDrDNL: Actually I thought it was Toronto or something.

Julia’s friend is talking sense to her. If he actually does get convicted for insider trading, he’s not gonna be getting a job in finance ever again....

Jeremy Seville’s character is a little shocked that his fiance might try to pull strings to get him a high-powered lawyer to get him out of his “legal trouble”.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS BEFOREHAND NATE.

“What if we have to move to some crappy neighborhood, or send our kids to public school?”

MrsDrNL: OH MY GOD NOT PUBLIC SCHOOL! 😳😧😵

(Mrs. Dr. NerdLove graduated from public school)

“Hey you discovered your fiancé will believe any line of bullshit you give her. That’s a good thing, right?”
“Yeah, especially if you have to take a ‘business trip’ with some hot co-worker”

WHY ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH THESE PEOPLE?

“I just don’t know if she’d stick around!”

MrsDrNL: *I* don’t know why the fuck anyone would marry you in the first place!

“You’re creating these heinously deceptive scenarios and you’re not sure if YOU can trust HER!”

Again, the characters are smarter than the writer.

“Talk to her boss, pretend to get her fired!”

Wait, WHAT?

I’m sorry, WHAT?

OK thus far, Seville’s character has:

Hired a guy to hit on her to see if she’s faithful
Faked getting fired
Told his fiance that he’s under federal investigation
About to get her boss to fake-fire her.

WHY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO ROOT FOR HIM AGAIN?

“You want to see if she’s capable of handling a dire future!”
What, like getting married to this guy?

They keep cutting to car crashes and I can’t think of a more perfect metaphor for this movie.

This is a universe where a magazine publisher is willing to go in on a prank and fire a person because his frat brother asked him to.

This is — incidentally — also the first time we’ve been told what Juliet does for a living.

“Yeah he’s been divorced three times! He LOVED this idea!”

This is the sort of thing that Jezebel would have a fucking field day over. This is the sort of scandal that would multiple careers and possibly sink the entire goddamn magazine.

“Oh, we MAY have to give the magazine an exclusive on the story”

Yes because Esquire or what-have-you would LOVE to publish the evidence that would then be used against them in the BIGGEST LAWSUIT IN PUBLISHING HISTORY

The problem with this idea is that it’s not only smart, but wouldn’t end in multiple lawsuits and possibly jail-time which is why it couldn’t possibly work in this movie’s universe.

https://twitter.com/arthur_affect/status/1132113117121400832?s=21

Nate is acting like his fiancé is being unreasonable for freaking out over having gotten fired for no goddamn reason, while he’s supposedly under federal investigation.

“They’re just jobs!”
“No, they’re our FUTURE!”

NO SHE’S RIGHT YOU DUMB SHIT.

“This is too much, it’s not real any more!”

“You know, I’m thinking homelessness might not be that bad!”

Congratulations, you broke her, Nate.

“I just got my job back! The feds are dropping the charges, I’m going back to work, no questions asked!”

The fact that she believes this without question is possibly the most unbelievable part of the movie.

Wow, you can tell that Nate’s “office” came about because Saville slipped a security guard $20 to look the other way.

MrsDrNL: So now he’s passed from ‘testing’ her to causing active HARM. She’s even MORE likely to marry him because he’s set himself up as her sole source of security.

Me: Yeah, that’s about right.

MrsDrNL: And he’s the HERO?

MrsDrNL: If this doesn’t end with her pulling his scrotum over his head and lighting it on fire, I’m going to hurt someone.

This is the face of a man who’s worried that maybe is wife is planning on not going back to the job he had her fired from and just living on his salary LIKE HE SUGGESTED TO HER

He got his job “back”, STILL can’t get her engagement ring sized to actually fit.

“Someone is fucking with us!”
“What kind of sick, terrible person would do that?”

There’s the tagline for you.

Somebody thought this scene was clever.

“While she was raving like an insane person...”

I’m fucking sorry WHAT? LITERALLY EVERYTHING SHE WAS WORRIED ABOUT WAS ENTIRELY GODDAMN REASONABLE.

“...but would she die for me?”

WE HAVE CROSSED INTO HORROR MOVIE TERRITORY.

I feel like they should be selling me Taco Bell crunchwraps

“Setting up your girl with a mass gunman to see if she’d take a bullet for you...

That’s genius, actually. I love it! Let’s do this!”

This is an actual line from the movie.

Nathan and his friends are going to turn into Jigsaw before this movie is over.

MrsDrNL: I hope she beats the FUCK out of the burglar.

“Where’s your gun?”
“I got rid of it, you told me you didn’t like having it around?”

It’s in the script!

“Well? Aren’t you gonna offer to take the bullet for me?”

HOW THE FUCK IS THIS NOT THE CLIMAX OF THE MOVIE? HOW IS THERE STILL 45 MINUTES TO GO??

“How about I kill both of you?”
MrsDrNL: PLEASE???

“Good thing there were blanks in that gun!”

First of all, motherfucker do you not know how Brandon Lee died?
Second fo all: WHY THE HELL DID YOU GIVE HIM A REAL GUN?

“Anyway, I gave my friend $500 to lay low and filed a police report”

🎶Someone’s going to jaaaaaail🎶

“She SAID she’d die for me but I dunno...”

Seriously, how does this not end with his murdering her?

“She didn’t go with the rich guy, she stuck with you when you lost your job and were under federal investigation and when you were robbed at gunpoint.”

“Yeah, I’d give her a B-“

“I’m going to go into a coma!”

“That’s twisted evil genius! That’s the knock-out punch we’ve been looking for!”

How is this movie less self-aware than “In The Company of Men”??!

Hiring your friend to threaten to kill you is fine but faking a coma is a bridge too far??

NO I’M SORRY YOU DON’T GET TO NAMECHECK APOCALYPSE NOW YOU ARE NOT FIT TO LICK THAT MOVIE’S SWOLEN TAINT AND THIS IS NOTHING LIKE HEART OF DARKNESS GO FUCK YOURSELF.

MrsDrNL: Wait, how is there 38 minutes left to go? What’s left after you’ve reached the coma phase??!

“Granted, it may be cold-blooded to make the love of your life think you’re in a coma and afraid that you’re about to die...”

THEY LITERALLY SAID THIS.

The fact that she stood by him through this pile of shit is a testimony to the fact that love is blind and also apparently has lousy taste in movies.

https://twitter.com/arthur_affect/status/1132121409906286593?s=21

Somehow the “cartoon running” ringtone is what brings me out of the movie the most.

Wait, now we’re getting voice over of his thoughts as he’s faking being in the coma?

Also, how’d he convince the hospital to go along with this?

“Hospital”

“Nobody can prove anything!”

Like the fact that one of the rooms in the hospital is occupied by someone in a “coma”? PAPERTRAIL MOTHERFUCKER.

I get that the point is that he’s supposed to have gone beyond the realm of reasonability but the fact that the movie wants us to think this is funny is possibly the least believable part of this whole pile of shit.

Ah now we’re into the “faking amnesia” stage.

I don’t know how this doesn’t end with her on a beach with the actor playing the millionaire.

Wait, he’s been faking amnesia for THREE WEEKS?

MrsDrNL: Wait, what about his job?!?

“I think about being with someone out if you never come back, but the truth is, I don’t want anyone else!”

Oh honey.

You will by the end of this movie.

IN 30 GODDAMN MINUTES.

MrsDrNL: I feel horrible for Julia, she’s in love with a horrible human being!

She’s also REALLY GULLIBLE.

THIS WEDDING COST $150,000

Ooooh it’s because they paid Stan Lee to make a cameo in their wedding.

“After all this craziness, I can’t believe our wedding is finally here!”

MrsDrNL: NEITHER CAN I

Col. Sanders wants budget Tony Stark to know he means business.

Ok this is a cheap shot but you’d think the makeup artist would do something about the tan lines.

Are you fucking telling me the reveal is going to hinge on Juliet having to go to the bathroom?

Yup. The big reveal hinges on Julia overhearing a conversation BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

$150,000 wedding!!

The guest’s reaction to the bride calling out her future husband: DULL SURPRISE

“How could you do this?”

“Well literally every man in the movie thought this was genius!”

“If all these witnesses weren’t here, I’d shoot you dead!”

MrsDrNL: NOBODY WOULD CONVICT YOU HONEY!

This is literally the universal “I fucked up face”

“I can’t believe THIS came out of my dick!”

Someone got paid to say this.

This is also literally the first time we’ve ever seen ANY member of either main character’s family, so the fact that Nate is getting the emotional come-uppance from his dad is coming out of the clear blue sky.

“You want guarantees? Go to Midas! They’ll give you one!”

Careful with that joke Grandpa, it’s an antique.

“Sometimes I’d like to muffle your mother. BUT I CAN’T!”

I’m starting to see where Nate got his attitude towards women from.

“My parents disowned me, my boss fired me for real, my entire reputation has been destroyed!”

THAT’S A GREAT START!

The real star of this scene is that chandelier

Nate absolutely REFUSES to take responsibility for gaslighting his wife into — and I can’t stress this enough — CONVINCING HIS WIFE SHE’D BEEN FIRED AND ALSO HE WENT INTO A COMA AND HAD AMNESIA.

Evidently they couldn’t afford enough post-production to actually edit the song into the movie instead of playing it on the radio while they were filming.

It’s been six months and Julia has regrets about having left Nate at the altar. Because reasons.

“I know you love him but he did you a favor by letting you see a side of him you’d never have seen had he not done it. You’d have gotten married and then one day realize you were married to the devil.”

A

1 hour 15 minutes in and Julia’s BFF FINALLY has a name.

HOW IN PLUPERFECT FUCKERY DOES JULIA STILL LOVE HIM??

YES JULIA, GO BE HAPPY THE ACTOR NATE HIRED TO SEDUCE YOU.

Wait we’re doing a split screen now?

They’ve just spent 5 minutes on trying to set Julia up with the actor instead of, you know, cutting to them on the date.

Meanwhile, in Se7en...

“I just wanted to thank you for setting me up with Trent!”

ROLL THE CREDITS THERE CAN’T BE MORE TO THIS FUCKING MOVIE.

THERE’S 10 MINUTES LEFT!?!?

THE ONLY THING HOLDING THAT BATHROBE IN PLACE IS MY HATE.

Why is he being lit like a serial killer??

“That man! He just got hit by a car!”
“I’m sure he’s FINE”

My God literally every man in this movie is the WORST.

“Oh... he turned around. OK.”

What the fuck is the POINT of that scene??

Aaaaaand now Nate is threatening suicide to Julia because she doesn’t love him any more.

Just in case we needed abusive relationship Yahtzee.

It’s not a threat, he was literally looking to commit suicide in front of her.

OUR HERO, PEOPLE.

“Look, just because you lost me doesn’t mean you need to die.”

No, there’re so many BETTER reasons why you need to die.

“I’m gonna give you two privacy and go someplace safe.”

YES! RUN TO ANOTHER, BETTER MOVIE TRENT!

WAIT. NO. WAIT. TELL ME JULIA ISN’T GOING TO TAKE HIM BACK.

Honey, honey it’s ok. We can get you away from him. We can keep you safe. He can’t hurt you any more. You don’t have to go back to him.

Aaaaand now Julia admits she called him because she knew it would push him to suicide...

“I failed your test. I’m worse than you!”

MrsDrNL: NO! NO YOU’RE GODDAMN NOT.

OH MY SWEET FUCK THEY’RE GETTING BACK TOGETHER BECAUSE “LOVE MAKES YOU CRAZY”

MrsDrNL: When he got hit by a car, I thought this movie might actually have a happy ending!

“We’re out in the middle of the street! We’re gonna get killed!”

OH GOD PLEASE!

**endless screaming**

They have literally used a different font for every. Single. Title card.

Ok let’s tally it up. Nate has

Hired someone to seduce his wife
Faked losing his job
Got his fiance fired
Hired a friend to break into their apartment and threaten them with a gun
Faked being in a coma
Faked amnesia
Threatened to kill himself in front of her.

And not only does she still love him but apparently she’s as bad as he is because reasons and so they may as well get married.

Oh God they’re doing outtakes. WILL THIS MOVIE NEVER END?!?!?

MrsDrNL: Oh God. I figured it out. THIS was the test! My watching this movie was you testing me, wasn’t it?!?

... right, time to go abjectly beg for forgiveness.