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Alright. Alright. Alright. Here we go.
So. I'm autistic with ADD. I was diagnosed with autism in 2007, add diagnosis was in 2017 I think. That means, all the time I was undiagnosed I still faced the issues I do now. And I'm remembering things.
Here's the deal. When you're diagnosed at a later stage, like I was, all of the discomfort, the issues, the social mishaps. They get context. But when you're undiagnosed, you feel like that's just how life is.
And people say "well everyone's a bit clunky in social situations sometimes" or "Well I'm sometimes forgetful too." What they, and what I don't realize is that masking is a huge factor in delaying getting diagnosed.
See, masking is where you pass for someone who's neurotypical. Or try to, at least. That's because lots of (visible) traits associated autism and ADD are considered to be socially unacceptable. So, we learn that whatever it is we're doing, it's not acceptable.
Look people in the eye, stop fidgiting, eat the food with an unpleasant texture, wear the clothes with an unpleasant texture, go sit with your friends, stop crying in public because your senses are overwhelmed.
You grow up with the idea that you're a bother, a burden. Luckily, my parents weren't like that. My parents were (and are) very accomodating. I'd say most autistic kids aren't so lucky. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY KID" the parents will shout
Even though that didn't happen to me, I was bullied a lot in high school. And I didn't notice. It wasn't until years later my friend @MarjoleinMann told me "yeah me and the rest of the girls went to the principal because it was going too far" and I was like "wait I got bullied?"
For a long time, I refused to think I had friends. Because you never KNOW when you're friends with someone. When you're autistic, whether you're diagnosed or not, you learn very quickly that making assumptions leads to misunderstandings.
So, you learn not to assume anything. "Yeah I hang out with the same people at school and sometimes we hang out outside of school but that doesn't have to mean anything." That's real. Those are real thoughts.
This all leads to, at least for me, a big feeling of "I don't want to find out I've actually been unwelcome all this time." Because I had no way of knowing if riendships are real. I'm better at it now. But that fear is still there.
Even just thinking of a situation where someone says "Go away nobody wants you here" gives me anxiety. Because, and this is key, autistic people grow up with the idea that they're bothersome, that whatever makes them feel comfortable is unacceptable.
The sudden realization of 'Wait, I thought I was doing good but actually I was doing bad" wrecks you. And it creates this constant fear, a looming fear. You can't get comfortable. Because you might have been doing a bad thing all along.
Now, take this and combine it with how I, and probably lots of fellow neurodivergent folks, have a very strong sense of right vs wrong. Also, we tend to think in extremes, binaries. It's either good or bad, no in between.
Top this all off with emotions being a full body experience AKA having a strong somatic element to them and you have a recipe for disaster. Now, I don't get upset by getting rejected upfront. Heck if someone doesn't want to be friends or date (when I was still single) that's cool
But realizing I made a social faux pas, made a creepy comment, hurt someone's feelings, made someone uncomfortable? That gives me physical pain. It's like my whole body and brain cramp up. Because something happened that wasn't supposed to happen. I was a bother to someone.
Naturally, you don't want to be a bother. But part of growing up when you're autistic is that you constantly get taught you're a bother. So, you learn to mask. That way you're no longer a bother. Know what a side-effect of masking is? You learn to give up your space.
If you're not allowed to stim, if you have to attend social gatherings, if you keep having to follow the social norms, if you keep having to act normal. If something small becomes something huge and negative for others, you stop doing it.
Autistic people and people with AD(H)D are often seen as too much. As an embarresment to others. "Look at this effect you have on others, how dare you." And there goes some more space you have to give up. Constant minimizing.
So, how does this relate to navigating marginalized spaces? Well, when you grow up constantly feeling you're a bother, you grow very introspective. So when you learn about things like "toxic masculinity" and "consider your privilege", you apply that to yourself too.
Terms like that, same with inherent power differences, they get mixed up with other parts of me I bother people with. And you start to feel uncomfortable. But you don't know if you're allowed to be uncomfortable, because other people who are uncomfortable get yelled at.
And I don't want to get yelled at. I don't need to be told I'm doing it wrong. I've been doing it wrong all my life. And no, this doesn't mean autistic men, neurodivergent men shouldn't be held accountable. They do, we do. I do. If I fuck up, I should be told so and accept that.
But I can't tell the difference between someone being angry at me for the right reasons or when they're in the wrong. It has been established I can't assume I'm right. I can't have confidence in my ideas. So, by default, other people know better.
I'm sure I've done tonepolicing, I might still be doing it. And I'm sure there's certain forms of oppressions I'm not yet aware of and am still contributing to. But with everything and everyone so loud and angry, I don't know how to speak up for myself. Well, I guess I am, now.
But even now I worry about taking up too much space. Because I have to be considerate. I have to be mindful. And that means different things to different people at different times. I want to participate in conversations. I want to share thoughts and ideas.
But the same has been said by so-called "well meaning" allies. Everything I'm talking about right now, there's a part of me that is angry at me for writing this. Because allies aren't supposed to take up or ask for space for themselves. I agree.
But when it comes to being neurodivergent, I'm not an ally. I'm part of a marginalized group. I get the feeling we might not be seen as such. Autism, ADD. Hell, we get told we're absolutely not. Making people afraid of autism is a profitable venture.
Anyway, back to asking for space. It's hard. it's hard. Because I get it. A cishet man who rambles on in a conversation, who keeps talking and talking and asking you questions and being too friendly, it's threatening. Because men are threats.
But I don't want to be a threat. I don't want to take the spaces of people less privileged than me. I don't want to be a bother. What I learned as a kid echoes into the now. I'm too much. I say too much. I do too much. don't assume anything.
Most of all, don't assume that you're welcome. And again, I get that part. I absolutely LOATHE so called autism allies who create a whole identity out of being an ally to autistics. Fuck people like that. But that same understanding breaks me.
Because I could just easily be someone like that. Taking up space I'm not supposed to. Saying things I'm not supposed to. I've done it before, it could happen again. I know I'm loud. I know I ramble. When I'm excited, I trample like a horde of happy elephants.
Know that things where a woman mentions a thing she likes and men hijack the conversation because it's a thing they like and completely push her out of the conversation? I do that too. I know I do. I get excited about a common interest.
I like talking and sharing stories, sharing experiences. But then I ramble and ramble and before you know I'm explaining a woman about a thing they've actually watched and I haven't. And that's like, the prototypical MAN thing to do. And I know I shouldn't.
And I even don't want to. I don't want to talk over people. And even that doesn't matter because I'm the person doing the wrong thing. People who do the wrong thing aren't allowed to feel bad about having done a wrong thing. Because that's taking space. And, once again, I agree.
Because way too often there's sympathy for the wrongdoer, not the victim. But, see what I'm doing here? I\m trying to make a point but at the same time provide context so everyone knows I'm not excusing myself, so I don't come across as some kind of excuser.
To summarize this very long thread, here's the general gist. As a cishet man, I now get told I take up too much space, and I agree. As someone autistic, I grew up getting told I took up too much space. Rationally I know the difference. In practice I can't feel the difference.
