Thread by @stevezaragoza

Despite what it looks like, I’m a fully anxious, depressed, neurotic compulsive wreck almost every single day. I was born in 1982, and grew up during a very toxic time. I was taught to “be a man!” by countless authority figures, and at the same time witnessed awful male behavior

conflicting advice and imagery coupled with toxic psychological programming and the fear based teachings of Catholicism created a very confused, scared and overwhelmed nerdy little Mexican boy who was also silently suffering from anxiety/panic disorder and clinical depression

I say silently because in the 80’s/90’s mental illness was a very taboo subject. If you were anxious or depressed you were basically a nutcase and not to be trusted among other things. For me I didn’t even know why I felt sad and sick all of the time. I thought everyone did

I was 30 years old when I was diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety and panic disorder. 20 something conscious years battling mental illness and I didn’t know what it was or why it was happening to me. Before that though, in 2006 I married my “high school sweetheart”

That went just about how you’d expect, given the circumstances. Poorly. For both of us. It was a toxic mess of years of programming, fear, etc. on both sides. With the strong want to be the best partners we could possibly be. I learned so many things during that time.

As a 25 year old husband, I fucked up a lot. But I also gave and loved and sacrificed. At the time I didn’t see a lot of my behavior as toxic, because it hadn’t really been seen as such then. But it was. I did my best but I also did what I felt was right and sometimes it wasn’t.

When I think about my marriage/divorce I feel very sad. Yes, I am where I am and who I am because of my past. I’m thankful for what I have and who I have in my life right now. But I’m not happy about my past and how my behavior directly affected my ex. Mental illness or not.

“It takes two to tango” they say, and it is a very true albeit very cliche statement. We both fucked up a lot. And we both learned a lot. But I still look back on some of my behavior with intense sickness, shame and sadness. I was at times mentally abusive, controlling and mean

I want to fully blame my mental illness and upbringing and culture and TV and movies and everyone else but myself. And the first few tweets up there seem to set things up that way. But despite that, I have to take responsibility. When you’re 25 you’re an adult. There’s no excuse.

The point of this long winded post is, in the current climate of equality and “wokeness” and toxic masculinity, etc. I want to be an ally and fight for human rights and compassion and love and stand with all of my female friends who have been abused by terrible people...

but I want to first fully and publicly own up to my mistakes, admit them, apologize for them and then show that I’ve changed and learned and have gotten help for my mental illness and have risen above a lifetime of toxic programming, and cultural/societal pressures/expectations.

Right now I have so many friends who are hurting, scarred and struggling with abuse from their pasts and the present. I’ve listened to too many stories of horror and pain due to asshats who push and take and destroy and leave people broken and bleeding.

I’m so sick and sad and angry about it. And I’m ashamed that I’ve contributed to that culture. I’m ashamed I’ve hurt people. And I’m ashamed I hurt my ex wife.

I’m sorry Sara. Wherever you are, I’m sorry you had to deal with the residual effects of giving everything to a broken man-child. And I’m sorry, to everyone who knows that hardship. I will carry the guilt of my behavior with me for the rest of my life.

As a 37 year old man, who has been getting mental health help for 7 years, therapy, medication, etc. I can say that I’m still ACTIVELY working on myself. It is possible to FIX seemingly unfixable DEEPLY PROGRAMMED TOXIC BEHAVIOR, but you have to actually want to fix it.

YOU CAN CHANGE. YOU CAN BE HAPPY, and you can make other people happy. It takes a lot of WORK! And you could hurt people along the way. But if you can admit mistakes, apologize, respect, and show compassion and LISTEN, then you’re already on the right path.

I stand with anyone who has been abused. And I stand with anyone who has abused who TRULY and DEEPLY wants to change and is willing to work for it. I do believe we are all capable of love, and compassion and empathy...

But ONLY if you are fully willing to rewrite your programming and WORK harder than you ever have in your entire fucking life for it. Despite my hardships, daily struggles/stresses and mental illness, I still work hard EVERY DAY to be a better person. And I will never stop. Ever.