Thread by @JYSexton

Father's Day is a hard one for me. I lost my father in 2012 when he was only 59 years old and after years of estrangement. I wrote about it in THE MAN THEY WANTED ME TO BE, but we should talk about dads, toxic masculinity, and actually living. 1/

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In light of recent political events, my dad would fit in with these times. He wasn't conservative, he was aggressively conservative. Racist, fascist, the kind of person who talked about wiping out entire countries just so he'd seem strong. 2/

He performed like most of the men around me. He wouldn't express himself, wouldn't show his emotions, and when he was angered he was frightening. But what I found out later is that he was always performing what he thought he was supposed to be. 3/

He admitted as much after I'd gotten older. He hadn't had much to do with me because I was a sensitive boy who made him uncomfortable. But as I got older and a little stronger, he wanted to be my buddy. It was at that time that I called him on his performance. 4/

We'd been out shooting with a bunch of his buddies in the country. We'd unloaded on cans and bottles and then the men had gathered around a truck to talk conspiracy theories, racist drivel, the type of stuff the Right is inundated with now. 5/

Afterwards, I confronted my dad and he admitted that he'd been talking this garbage his whole life knowing it was ridiculous but feeling like he had to fit in. This was at the root of all of his political beliefs, why he watched Fox News, why he voted Republican, etc. 6/

Later, he'd tell me that he'd been ashamed that he'd gotten out of going to Vietnam, ashamed at his failures, so much so that he pushed away everyone he loved and hadn't been able to express himself for years and years and years. 7/

That was what he needed to change. Once he started expressing himself the floodgates opened. He turned his back on all the old garbage, he stopped the racist/fascist bs and started pushing human rights. He traded in his pickup for a Prius. It was...revolutionary. 8/

But any conversation about this wouldn't be complete without mentioning that he died at 59, just years after he changed. He'd been suffering from undiagnosed diabetes for years and refused to go to the doctor. It killed him after a terrible period of suffering. 9/

Even while Dad changed, he still held onto the masculine practice of being too afraid to get help, being too afraid to step into a doctor's office. Men die all the time from illnesses that could be handled if only they sought help. But they're often too afraid. 10/

I know about this personally. I'm suffering from health problems that should've been taken care of, should've been addressed, but I let fear get in the way. I'm having to re-engineer my own thinking about it even as I've written a researched book on the topic. 11/

But what we need to look at is that there's a toll this toxic masculinity takes. Men caught in it feel like they're going to live forever and they sacrifice their relationships, their freedom, and ultimately their lives. It can be absolutely deadly. 12/

For those who have lost their fathers, I'm sorry. My heart breaks constantly for my own loss. For those who are estranged, I hope you can find peace. For those who wish to reconnect, I hope you can break through the fog of this. It's radicalization and so difficult. 13/

In my experience, the change begins with communication. Letting insecure men know you care about them even if they don't live up to the unrealistic expectations of masculinity, letting them know they're loved even if they don't "measure up."

It really can work. 14/14