Thread by @TheRoot

Thread: Tonight @michaelharriot will be live-tweeting the Democratic debates and translating them in a language we can all understand.

This will be fun!

Bernie Sanders: I'mma give everybody health care, forgive student loans and free McNuggets every day. And you know how we're gonna pay for it?

Beyonce.

Don't worry...She got it.

Joe Biden: Blah blah blah... Donald Trump...blah blah... Income inequality... blah blah

Kamala Harris: Let me give some specifics:

I'm going in these rich folks pockets and making it rain.
See? I'm smarter than the white dudes.
KAMALA!!!!!

Some white dude is talking about methane. They say his name is John Hickenlooper but I'm sure this is a commercial.

That's not a real name.

Bernie Sanders yells disapprovingly about major corporations.

That's kinda his thing.

Kirsten Gillibrand is a Stepford wife. I guarantee she's a droid with human skin laid over an adamantium exoskeleton.

Stay woke.

Who is Michael Bennett?

Didn't he play for the Eagles last season after cops arrested him in Vegas?
He's lost weight.

Pete Buttigieg is the first white dude to break out Spanish. He talks about student loan before he's interrupted by Eric Swalwell, who's being played tonight by Jason Bateman

Andrew Yang: I'mma just stand here and solve a trinomial equation.

Carry the one, start inside the parentheses...

Jason Bateman Swallwell: Joe Biden is old AF. He needs to sit down.

Biden: Shut up lil' boy. I got canker sores older than you.

Grandpa Sanders: Back in my day we would drive down Wall Street in our horse and buggy and take a switch to these Corporations!

Harris: Will y'all act like y'all got som gotdayum sense!
Chill out?

Kirsten Gillibrand: Hillary Autobot 2000 would like to interject something but the question does not compute

Recalculating... Recalculating...

Sanders: FOR THE REST OF THE EVENING I WILL BE SPEAKING IN ALL CAPS AND I WILL BE SPITTING ON KAMALA AND BIDEN WHENEVER I SPEAK! AND I WILL CONTINUE TO PRONOUNCE HUMAN AS "YOU-MUNN"

I'M VERY PASSIONATE ABOUT MY MEDICARE FOR ALL PROGRAM THAT WILL NEVER PASS!

Marianne Williamson: I'm not gonna win, but I am gonna say stuff to boost book sales.

Also, I know Oprah.

Unidentifiable white guy: Sorry I was late. I had prostate cancer.

They had to remove my lips.

Samantha Guthrie: How many of you would rather let immigrants die in the street from illnesses than give them health care. (Everyone raises hand)

Samantha: Explain why you didn't raise your hand, Joe

Biden: I didn't say that! I'm just old. It takes me a while to lift my arm!

Harris: I'm gonna answer every question with a real-world legitimate answer, not go over time and inspire the crowd to applaud. Do I get extra credit?

Marianne Williamson: Child separation? My friend Oprah would say "You get asylum! You get asylum! You get asylum!"

Buttigieg: I want to be reasonable. Don't lock children in cages.

Michael Bennett: You see how I'm doing my upper lip?

That's how stern I'm gonna be with China. I'mma slap they azz with the Statue of Liberty.

Andrew Yang: I'm gonna go into unnecessary minutiae about trade policy. It's gonna be boring AF and I know I sound like a sentient Wikipedia article every time I speak, but it's right.

Stupid Chuck Todd: starts with a joke: What did the chicken say when he crossed the road?

I gotta get away from Stupid Chuck Todd

Pete Buttigieg: I sincerely hope that systemic racism and police abuse ends.

Oh, I don't know how to solve it but I'm gonna sound really sincere and use all the buzzwords.

Buttigieg: There are no easy answers to end disproportionate police killings.

Hickenlooper (Again, it's not a name): I don't have racist cops.

Jason Bateman Swallwell: Fire the chief.

Williamson: Give reparations.

Harris: Maybe you should let the black person speak about racism.

And Joe, you might not be racist, but you be tripping when you high-five segregationist. You gotta stop that BS.

Joe: I'm not a racist.

I had a black boss at my last job!

Harris: Stop lying, Joe. You opposed bussing! I was bussed so I know! Don't try me, try Jesus!

Of course, Jesus doesn't have my prosecutorial background.

Biden: Kamala, why are you being mean? I was... You know what? My time is probably up.

Down goes Joe! He's big mad! Kamala literally shut Joe up!

Gillibrand: My CPU overheats on questions of race. My hard drive tells me to use the words "institutional racism, inequality, disparity and Lil Nas X." recalculating... recalculating...

Michael Bennett: Everything bad happened under Joe Biden

Joe Biden: But I was with the black guy!

Bennett: But Mitch McConnell keeps kicking his azz!

Biden: Black. Guy.

Gillibrand: *Buzz... Whir... Corporation... Democracy... America

Sanders: I WILL DEFEND ROE V. WADE WITHOUT A LITMUS TEST. BACK IN MY DAY WE DIDN'T NEED A LITMUS TESTS FOR ABORTION. WE JUST RUBBED A LITTLE DIRT ON IT!

ALSO, WHAT IS A LITMUS TEST?

(EXCUSE THE SPIT, KAMALA)

Harris: Climate change represents an existential threat to America! It's gotten so bad that it's even raining in here!

Oh, that's just Bernie's spit.

Buttigieg: I have an extensive climate change plan.

It involves population reduction by having police kill black peop... wait. Did I just say that out loud?

Biden: Our administration built the largest wind farm in the world.

And when I say "our administration," I mean the black guy who did all the work.
See? I'm not racist.

Sanders: I HAD A WOOLY MAMMOTH AS A PET WHEN I WAS A KID UNTIL HE DIED IN THE FIRST ICE AGE!

CLIMATE CHANGE MURDERED MY MASTODON!

Stupid Chuck Todd: We REALLY have to go to commercial, so let me present an 83-minute question. Answer it real quick.

Biden: The first thing I would do as president is to make sure we defeat Donald Trump!

Huh?????

Williamson: The first thing I would do as president is call New Zealand and say: "Girrrrrlfriendddd, Wu-Tang is for the kids!"

Jason Bateman Swallwell: I'm gonna take the most dangerous weapons from the most dangerous people.

I'm sure that will go well.

Maddow: Here's what you said about gun control, Sen. Sanders

Sanders: YOU'RE TWISTING MY WORDS BY READING THEM VERBATIM!

THAT WAS BACK WHEN WE ONLY USED MUSKETS!

Harris: Here is my entire gun control plan in 27 seconds.

Buttigieg: Here's my gun control plan. First, you must realize that I was a soldier in the army and there are a lot of dangerous guns. They don't make us safe. Look, I know that Americans want... Oh look, I'm out of time

Andrew Yang:

Stupid Chuck Todd: Before we go to commercial, here's another question that I idiotically expect you to answer in one word that will neither enlighten or educate the audience on your position.

Maddow: You voted for the Iraq war.

Biden: But after that, the black guy turned to me and said: "Get us out of Iraq, Joe." I DID THAT.

I'm not lying! You can ask him! I'll go call him right now!

Andrew Yang:

Jason Bateman Swallwell final statement: I'm gonna make a doo-doo joke. I was on Modern Family. Vote for me.

Marianne Williamson final statement: Donald Trump, I'm gonna kick your azz with love.
Love: I'on even know you like that. Who are you again?

Hickenlooper Final Statement: I actually made my fortune playing Orville Redenbacher in commercials. If I can make popcorn so buttery, I can transform America!

Kirsten Gillibrand: As a humanlike android, I am the only candidate who can beat Trump by ...

Restart to load presidential platform

Kamala Harris: Y'all put me on stage with all the white people and I slayed. Here's my website, email and Instagram. Holla at me.

Pete Buttigieg final statement: Don't mess up. Don't mess up. Don't mess up. Don't mess up. Don't mess up. Don't mess up. Don't mess up. Don't mess up. Don't mess up.

Bernie Sanders' final statement: WE MUST FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGE AMERICA, UPEND THE CORPORATIONS AND WIN ALL 37 STATES!

WAIT, THERE ARE 50 NOW???

Sorry about the saliva storm

Joe Biden's final statement: Donald Trump is more racist than I am!

Andrew Yang:

Thank you for watching the debate with @michaelharriot and The Root! See you in the Sweet 16!
(This is a single elimination tournament, right?)

PS: An actual photo of @KamalaHarris' microphone after the debate