Thread by @garius

HAMMOND <to TV>: 'the guy ropes of self doubt?' Fuck me.
GOVE <at the window>: iT wAS preTTy bAD
HAMMOND: Jesus Christ, Michael. Why are you clinging to the wall?! And why are you all... tenticles?
GOVE: unDEAd hORroR
HAMMOND:
GOVE:
HAMMOND: And?
GOVE: ThAT anSWeRs bOTh qUEsTiONs

GOVE: CaN i CLiMB iN?
HAMMOND: What?
GOVE: tHIs iS A neW oFFicE. YoU hAVE To ReINviTE mE
HAMMOND: I thought that was vampires?
GOVE: nO. AnD plEASe cAN wE trY aND aVOId cULTuRal sTEReoTypEs
HAMMOND: Sorry
GOVE: iT's fiNe. i'M jUsT... IT's bEEn a LoNG daY
HAMMOND: Tell me about it

HAMMOND: Why were you outside the window, anyway? And why so many... eyes?
GOVE: HaVE yOU bEEn outSIDe PhIL?
HAMMOND: Not since this morning
GOVE: iT iS HoTTEr thaN tHE sUN. AnD sKInSUIts aREN't brEATHAble
HAMMOND: Huh
GOVE: tHErE iS a REAsoN CtHULhU woN'T TaKE The CeNtrAL LiNE

GOVE: AnYWaY, I jUST waNTEd tO seE HoW ThE nEW oFFIcE wAS
HAMMOND: It's... small. Bankbenching again is weird. But At least I don't have to worry about Jesse Norman shitting on the carpet anymore
GOVE: i'M pRETTy ceRTAin tHAT wAS larRY thE CaT
HAMMOND: That's what Jesse said too

HAMMOND: So... if he asks, will you serve?
GOVE: i HAvE nO ChOIcE. ChaOS muST ReIGN
HAMMOND: I think that's a given. What are you hoping for?
GOVE: TraNSPoRT
HAMMOND: Really?
GOVE: GoD yES. ThE AmOUNT of humAN mISERy aND sUFfering oNE caN InfLICT wITH tHE DfT FraNCHiSE fraMEwork!

GOVE: AnYwAY i MUsT dePArT
HAMMOND: Thanks for popping in
GOVE: I'LL usE tHE wINDOw aGAIn if yoU DoN'T mIND
HAMMOND: Go for it. Can you shut it after...
STEWART: ...hello!
HAMMOND: ...or don't. Because of COURSE there are more people out there.

HAMMOND: Rory, we're 3 floors up. Why are you outside my window?
STEWART: Just off to put my resig in. Want me to drop yours off?
HAMMOND: No. I did it yesterday
STEWART: Righto I'll be off then! I see there's a queue!
HAMMOND: What?
GRIEVE: Viva la resistance
HAMMOND: Oh COME ON

GRIEVE: It is I! Dominic Grieve! You are expecting me
HAMMOND: Does NO ONE use doors anymore?!
GRIEVE: Johnson has eyes everywhere. We move in the shadows.
HAMMOND: You sent me an Outlook invite.
GRIEVE: I did not wish to be impolite
HAMMOND: Then use the FUCKING door next time

HAMMOND: What do you want, anyway?
GRIEVE: To complete your induction.
HAMMOND: Into the resistance?
GRIEVE: Yes. There is a HR checklist.
HAMMOND: A checklist.
GRIEVE: Yes.
HAMMOND: And is 'how to scale parliamentary offices' on it?
GRIEVE:
HAMMOND:
GRIEVE: Yes.

GRIEVE: The wall climbing module is only short
HAMMOND: No.
GRIEVE: We train you in pairs. David is out here!
GAUKE <distance>: Hello!
HAMMOND:
GRIEVE:
GAUKE <distance>: I think I'm stuck on a pipe
HAMMOND:
GRIEVE: I'll... just tick you off
HAMMOND:
GAUKE <distance> Someone help

HAMMOND <closing window>: Fucking hell.

*knocking at the door*

HAMMOND: Oh thank God. Who is it?
WILLIAMSON: It's me.
HAMMOND: Oh FUCK MY LIFE. Not that chickenshit.
WILLIAMSON: What did you say.
HAMMOND: I said come in, new Chief Whip.

WILLIAMSON: Flattery will get you nowhere
HAMMOND: Really? You seem to be doing alright
WILLIAMSON: I will not dignify that with an answer
HAMMOND: Is it Chief Whip then?
WILLIAMSON: Maybe. I... have been promised lots of things
HAMMOND: Ha! Let me know how that works out for you

WILLIAMSON: I am not here to debate with you
HAMMOND: Righto
WILLIAMSON: I am here with a warning. My sources tell me you flirt with the resistance
HAMMOND: 'Sources'
WILLIAMSON: Yes
HAMMOND: My Outlook calendar
WILLIAMSON:
HAMMOND:
WILLIAMSON: Yes
HAMMOND: Nice work Bergerac

WILLIAMSON: Be careful Hammond! I
LIDINGTON: Am I interrupting?
HAMMOND: Nope, come on in!
WILLIAMSON: Will you PLEASE take me seriously! The Leader demands...
LIDINGTON <aside>: Did he just say leader with a capital letter?
HAMMOND <aside>: I think so
WILLIAMSON: Do NOT mock me!

WILLIAMSON: Both of you beware!
HAMMOND: Us? We're just backbenchers
LIDINGTON: Oh yes
HAMMOND: Toddle along little chicken farmer
LIDINGTON: I thought he sold fireplaces?
HAMMOND: Ah yes. My mistake.
WILLIAMSON: The Leader is watching!
LIDINGTON: Capital letter again! How lovely

LIDINGTON: What a frightful little man now.
HAMMOND: Don't worry. I still know where he keeps his Space Marines
LIDINGTON: The Ultragavines? Fascinating lore...
HAMMOND: Don't start. What did you want anyway?
LIDINGTON: Theresa says she's in Wethers. Want to go?
HAMMOND: God yes.

END OF THREAD BITS:

Brexit tapes start waaay back here:

https://twitter.com/garius/status/1062983853260918784?lang=en

This tragic new era of government begins here:

https://twitter.com/garius/status/1151138215438385152?s=09

You can buy me coffee, if you like, here!

ko-fi.com/garius