Thread by @saradannerdukic

Mueller: I wrote a detailed, 400-page report explaining an attack on our country. I spent years on it. See also: indictments + people in prison.

Pundits: yes, but can you do it with jazz hands? A table flip? A racist tweet? Otherwise, we'll be bored.

Mueller: they're still attacking us right now, and will keep doing it until they're stopped.

Pundits: If you could put this in context of a House Hunters International episode ending, we'd be way more interested.

Mueller: while we were trying to figure out how other countries are attacking us, so that we could defend ourselves, Trump and his people impeded us at every possible turn.

Pundits: but the real question is whether he would be compelling on an episode of Chopped.

Mueller: the president could be indicted after he leaves office.

Pundits: do you happen to have a gaggle of sister-wives at your house? If so, we'd be very interested to hear your opinion on just about everything.

Mueller: accepting help from foreign entities during a campaign is unethical, unpatriotic, and in many cases criminal. We should hold our elected officials to standards higher than squeaking through avoidance of criminal prosecution.

Pundits: he's not very tan.

Mueller: other countries are figuring out how to do exactly what the Russians are doing, and will keep going until they're stopped.

Pundits: if you could say all this while getting a makeover, we'd probably cover it.

People who know Mueller, because he's too dignified to brag about himself: He's a decorated war hero, lifelong public servant, and one of the finest prosecutors this nation has seen.

Pundits: well, but we were really hoping that he secretly knows how to sing opera.

Schiff: thank you for your service, sir.

Pundits: yeah, but he wouldn't even TRY to do the cha-cha.