Thread by @bounder

Staying in Cornwall at a lovely cottage. I’ve got my own books (including The State in Capitalist Society by Ralph Miliband) but found this on the shelf. I am going in. #jossysgiantsthenovel

Glipton Grasshoppers are rubbish.

Written - as was the TV series - by darts commentator Sid Waddell. He’s the one that did the ‘Alexander the Great cried salt tears as there were no more worlds to conquer’ line. I wonder if such emotions are covered by the book. #jossysgiantsthenovel

Jossy’s surname is Blair. Who knew? #jossysgiantsthenovel

First para shows ample knowledge by Waddell of the football idiom. Mentions mud, grass and liniment, but more than that shows the special grammar of pluralising ‘your Liverpools, Evertons, and Tottenhams’. Not ‘your Spurses’ which would be confusing. #jossysgiantsthenovel

Of course these days ex-pros are not often found managing kids sides. Apart from the U10s that Razor Ruddock has running up and down sand dunes to build stamina. #jossysgiantsthenovel

Jossy is now a small independent retailer like what you all like to praise before you go and buy the stuff off of eBay. Magpie Sports is his new shop, only a morning old this Saturday in 1985. Is he based on Mike Ashley? #jossysgiantsthenovel

Mind you. He’s off - in a tracksuit - in search of football. Shop is closed. He hasn’t left a bunch of kids on zero hours contracts in charge. #jossysgiantsthenovel

Glipton could well be in the catchment area of Leddersford Town, based on geography. Chances of Steve Barnes running across town in his premium car to rendezvous with a dodgy character? Shared universes are great for the fans. #jossysgiantsthenovel #strikerbyStevEBruce

Almost Bruce-like attention to detail tho, by the Waddell.

Now there’s something jarring. Fartown Falcons is a lower league Ice hockey team, not a football team. Luckily there were the previous tenants of the stadium, we don’t need to worry about them. #jossysgiantsthenovel

I’m not totally sure an Exocet would do a lot of damage to a load of confetti. Confetti will still be here after a nuclear war. Just ask a vicar trying to clear a churchyard after a wedding. #jossysgiantsthenovel

Rash of adjectives rushing towards us like the Thunderbirds attack on the Grasshoppers’ goal. A macho moustache, an oily grin, and an enormous Havana cigar. And that’s just local bookie, sponsor and father of the start player Bob Nelson. #jossysgiantsthenovel

There were only two TV programmes for kids in the ‘80s. Top of the Pops and Emmerdale Farm. #jossysgiantsthenovel

We’ve just had Jossy’s origin story, essentially great player injured in debut for Newcastle and never played again. Real first name: Joswell. There have been fewer than 100 Joswells in the US since 1880 (but as common as Dave in fictionalised Newcastle). #jossysgiantsthenovel

Chapter Two starts with star player (son of the bookie) Ross and ‘bucket girl’ (indeed) Tracey plotting as to how to get Jossy on board. There is of course no tension in this given the name of the book, the TV series almost every reader has seen, and… #jossysgiantsthenovel

…n and the photo of him on the front with the lads. Albeit one where they aren’t in football kit and one seems to be dressed as the leather man from the Village People. #jossysgiantsthenovel

Jesus. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

Jossy has a gambling problem. Sid Waddell has an extraneous quote mark problem. #jossysgiantsthenovel

And also an odd metaphor/youth slang issue. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

We’re well in the era of the generic ‘computer’ being able to work wonders on anything. Ricky Sweet puts ‘all the variables’ including ‘owner’s ambition’ into his horse race predicting system in his (it’s ‘85) Vic 20. I bet (as does Jossy) that it’s enough. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

Social comment. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

I have no idea what this haircut looks like. I do have respect for the editor’s adherence to proper nouns. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

Time for the first game. Jossy’s had them painting the stand and now for the top advice of a top pro: sellotape yourself up in a bin bag under your shirt. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

Oh crikey. Was not expecting a #MeToo moment in #JossysGiantsTheNovel but Jossy has just coerced Tracey “the bucket girl” to flirt with the opposition keeper. “I’m into toga parties” - but it works. 1-1.

This is one hell of a paragraph. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

And on that, I’m taking it to the beach.

“You look like Napoleon's army on the retreat from Moscow.” Maybe this sort of metaphor worked well with kids in the 80s. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

But luckily they (or Tracey the bucket girl) managed to get the £25 entry for the five-a-side competition anyway. But the book skips the whole competition to get to the final. #jossysgiantsthenovel

The book also skips just how Tracey got the money. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

Christ, Joswell, what do you think it’s like now? #JossysGiantsTheNovel

I have found a notable real Joswell on the internet. “Joswell Valdez is a Dominican American businessman and a mobile application programmer.” Born in 1987, so likely his parents were big fans. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

The Giants’ go in the 5-a-side btw is sponsored by Tuttle’s Best Tripe. Which is where Tracey got the money, ye of dirty minds. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

When they win (hard to describe in prose, I guess) then there’s a tripe gag. What is tripe btw? It’s been a staple of comedy for years (although that seems to have died out) and I don’t think I know. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

There is a awful lot of stuff about Jossy’s gambling issues in here. These days he’d be on the fixed odds terminals rather than the junior football management. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

In the next chapter they all have a nice feast on tripe (in the sports shop). So they all like it really. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

Oh no! The council are going to turn the Giants’ ground into a supermarket. The letter was sent to Jossy’s shop a month ago, so they’ve only just found out. (Jossy’s only been Manager about three weeks, one league game and a 5-a-side tournament). #JossysGiantsTheNovel

Even given that Glenn and Shelly are punks, this is an odd look. And given the historical inaccuracy is in the narrator’s voice is this a real mistake from the author? #JossysGiantsTheNovel

And more odd odd choices of war metaphor. No wonder the Brexit boomers all think they personally beat Hitler. #jossysgiantsthenovel

Yeah, that’ll show ‘em. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

In yet another rather adult-themed plot twist, Jossy is off to seduce a councillor in order tor save the ground. Remember he’s already balked at cologne and a medallion, but the team are determined to metro-sexual him up. #JossyGiantsTheNovel

Use of the word ‘maisonette’ here turns this para into a magnetic word poetry set of Suede lyrics. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

Best gag so far:
'But that for a person in my position - would be like divulging a state secret.
Jossy detected that Glenda's outrage was not quite genuine. He tried whimsy. Well, we're in a right state- and that's no secret. #jossysgiantsthenovel

There’s a possibility that ancient documents might prove the site of the ground is of special historical interest. But still there’s a reference to ‘brining a gas mask’ to look at the dusty archives. This is 40 years after the war. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

What is remarkable about the book is how little any of the characters care (bar Ross, Tracey, Jossy) care about football. Seems like it would be better if the kids of Glimpton could diversify their interest base. It’s toxic masculinity. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

The mixed metaphor is a joy. Working out if the author or the character misunderstands the chronology of the siege of Troy is a blessing. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

There’s no doubt that on screen the final battle - with the lads all in makeshift fatigues - would have been a visual treat. On the page it just comes across like Sid Waddell has a ‘thing’ for uniforms. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

They won the war, if not the battle. But there’s always another to fight. Now it’s a league championship decider. At the start of the book the team were ‘rubbish’. They then won one game thanks to Tracey flirting with the opposition keeper. #jossysgiantsthenovel

I can only assume we’re just not hearing about the football. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

As if this bit didn’t need more plot: Bobby Charlton has just asked Jossy to play in a testimonial AND the team have just been challenged to a ‘Battle of the sexes’ netball match. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

Jossy - having been Rommel, Paton and Churchill I’m the last chapter - is now “prowling the [netball] pitch like a scalp crazy Apache’. Glenda the councillor is more like ‘Boadicea on the ramaphe’ #JossysGiantsTheNovel

Turns out that Glenda is the Deus ex local Council that provides the team funding for a coach trip to watch Jossy play in Newcastle. (The netball game was over in a page) #JossysGiantsTheNovel

Apart from giving Jossy a bad chest cold - forcing him to bed and leaving the team in the hands of Glenda and Albert for the big game. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

Two-nil down at half time. It’s all Glenda’s fault. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

The second half of the league decider is done in a line. The Giants lose. But it’s OK as the real win is destroying the ‘loud females’. And the have a plan #jossysGiantsTheNovel

It was locking her in the dressing room. Dealt with in a sentence. Waddell keeps setting up conflict and then passing swiftly over it to spend more time with his war allusions. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

An aside in a chat with Bobby Charlton reveals that this ‘rubbish’ side are also in a forthcoming cup final. The mechanics of football tournaments are somewhat elastic. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

We never find out how Jossy did in the charity game. We do find out that he stopped a coach full of kids on the way back to check his horses. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

And finally the error of his betting ways becomes relevant. Two heavies have turned up to threaten Jossy over gambling debts. From another shop tho that hasn’t been mentioned. And he had ‘unlimited credit’ with Bob Nelson - so why?? #JossysGiantsTheNovel

And illegal, Jossy. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

Oh no. The bookies heavies want Jossy to throw the game. There are bets on the U14 cup final. The sport has gone. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

And now the team have broken down on the way to the ground. Why they were all together in a transit for a local game is not reported. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

But never mind. It’s all solved. They’ve got the bus. #tensionreleased #JossysGiantsTheNovel

But now Jossy’s been thrown off the bus - for not letting the conductor conduct the team talk. One is beginning to think this isn’t entirely serious. #JossyGiantsTheNovel

It’s OK. He gets a lift with a hell’s angel but by the time he gets there the Giants are three nil down. #jossysGiantsTheNovel

Without bothering to tell us what Jossy does to turn it around, we’re told he’d does. It’s three-three and the cup final, and the novel, is to be decided by a pentalty shoot out. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

Oh shit. Yeah. I forgot about the gangsters. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

This could be tense. But not to worry Waddell dispatches the plot in a para. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

There might have been a moral. A day of reckoning. A denouement where Jossy has learned and grown. But no. The team give up their funds to pay off his gambling debts. No one learns anything. And that’s the end. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

But what a journey. Thanks for being with me. Football _is_ just a branch, but not of science, but clumsy war metaphor and municipal sexism. And normalising problem gambling. #JossysGiantsTheNovel

My soundcloud: vote bloody Labour.

Now for this.