Thread by @jendziura

So, I took my 5 year old to see Aida outdoors at Lincoln Center, which makes me either the BEST EVER parent (my kid sat through a 2hr45min opera!) or kind of the worst (it ends with death by entombment!) #spoiler

I was not familiar with the plot of Aida. We actually were just wandering by Lincoln Center, saw a bunch of chairs set up, and discovered there was to be free outdoor opera. (It was actually a giant video of an opera previously performed at Lincoln Center, which is fine).

We got seats upfront, the 5yo had ice cream, lots of old people smiled at us. Aida begins. There are subtitles. We're outdoors and it seems perfectly fine to narrate what's happening into my kid's ear. She has QUESTIONS. Here is what happens in Aida:

Radamès is an Egyptian military guy singing about how he really really loves Aida. Princess arrives.
Radamès: Shit, I hope the Princess doesn't figure this out.
Princess: You look like you're 🔥🔥🔥. Sounds pretty great for whoever the lucky lady is [wink wink]

Radamès: Uh... I was just all worked up about the war. I would like to command the army. You know ... war.
Princess: Don't you have a softer side?
Radamès: It's just war all the time for me. War war war.
Me: [He's just pretending bc he doesn't like her back!]

Aida comes in. She is a captured Ethopian made to be a servant to the Egyptian princess. Aida is actually also a princess but nobody (except Radamès?) knows that. Aida sings about how much she loves Radamès. Why? It is super not clear. The Princess is not fucking dumb.

Princess: So, something bothering you?
Aida: Um, I'm just really worried about the war.
Princess: There must be something else. We're friends, you can tell me.
Me: SHE'S JUST SAYING THEY'RE FRIENDS BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO GET HER SECRET

My 5yo was pretty down with the love triangle bit. Radamès and Princess are on the same side and she loves him but he doesn't love her. Radamès loves Aida and she loves him, but they're on different sides.
5yo: Do they get to pick their sides?
Me: No.

5yo was also down with the mean girl stuff. "She's just saying she's her friend so she can get the secrets" is prime 5yo territory.

Then Radamès is put in charge of the army, just as he wanted. There's a bunch of religious stuff. My 5yo is confused. She can name all the planets in the solar system, followed by the dwarf planets and a reasonable explanation of the Big Bang.

She was confused about why a bunch of people would try to ask "the beings who they think made the world" to help them win a war and why such a thing would take so many people, plus songs and funny hats. I finally settled on "They're trying to put fighting magic on him!"

She was getting bored and said she was excited to see the war. Somewhere in there, Aida sang about how miserable she was that there was going to be a big war and either her boyfriend or her dad and brothers would probably die.

5yo: Does she have to fight in the war?
Me: No, only boys.
Her: Wait, what?

Also a new idea, apparently.

Then there was an intermission and it turns out we miss the whole war! The war happens while the audience is in the bathroom.

Then there's a long, boring celebration of winning the war, or at least some major victory.
Radamès: [holds up a spear]
King: You did so great at war you can have anything you want. Seriously, try me!
Me: He's giving him one wish!
A bunch of Ethiopian prisoners are brought in.

Oh, I forgot to mention a scene where the Princess is sitting on her fancy couch with like 50 servant women around her, singing about victory and love, and all the servant women seem really committed to the Princess getting laid.

But then the Princess is like, oh, Aida is coming, let's not celebrate our victory in front of her because that would be rude. So everybody leaves. And just when you think the Princess is being nice, she's like so, we're basically sisters, are you going to tell me your secret?

Aida very reasonably is like "I'm sad about Ethiopia" but the Princess is too clever, she's like "Well, war is hard for everyone, I mean, our side lost Radamès."

And Aida takes the bait and is like GODS, WOE IS ME, MY LOVE IS DEAD, I HAVE NOTHING

And the Princess is like, ha, caught ya, wouldn't want to be ya! She specifically says, I'm going to go to this victory celebration now and sit beside the king while you sit in the dirt, and then I'm going to get the guy. It's still not clear what's so great about Radamès.

ANYWAY, the prisoners are brought in and Aida recognizes her dad. He's like, Psst! Don't tell them I'm the king!
5yo: Why doesn't he want people to know he's the king?
Me: He's the king of the side that lost!
Her: So?
Me: They'll kill him!
Her: Why?
Me: Um...

There's a big song about "have mercy on the prisoners, the Fates decide our fates, and next time it could be you!"

Radamès: Hey king, remember when you said I could have anything I want?
King: Anything! Just name it.
Radamès: Set these people free.

Army people and priests: Uh, yeah, no. We just fought a war, so...
King: I have a better idea! Your reward is to marry my daughter!

Radamès, silently: Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure I could have had her at any point in this story.

5yo: BUT HE SAID HE COULD HAVE ANYTHING HE WANTED!!

I think this is really the crux of the opera for a 5yo. The king said Radamès could have ONE WISH. But then Radamès picked something (freedom for his girlfriend and her dad) and the king is like, yeah, um ... anything but that. This is EXTREMELY RELATABLE CONTENT for a 5 year old

At this point it's getting quite dark and late and I've been craning my neck and narrating an entire opera for like an hour and 45 min. She kept asking WHAT ARE THEY SAYING NOW and I'm like JUST THE SAME THING AGAIN, THERE IS A LOT OF REPEATING IN OPERA

At various points of Aida, all three leads sing songs about how they just want to die. Link: murashev.com/opera/Aida_lib…

Oh! gods, have pity on my suffering!
There is no hope for my sorrow!
Fatal love, fearful love,
break my heart and let me die!
Oh! gods, have pity on my suffering!

This seemed age inappropriate, so I translated all of this for my 5yo as "I am the saddest person in the world. The saddest!"

It was weird for me to realize that my kid has a LOT of specific scientific knowledge, geography, etc., but no real concept of: ppl used to ask the gods for favors; when you win a war you might just kill everybody; suicide exists; people are on "sides" bc of where they were born

Like if I saw a work of art where people were practicing a religion I wasn't familiar with, I'd be like, oh, okay, there's a thing with singing and candles and a dude in a hat? Sure. There's a broad category of behavior I am easily able to categorize as religious practice.

Not so with my 5yo. Anyway, where was I? The king has decided not to free anybody. Princess is happy she's betrothed. Aida wants to die. Radamès ... IDK. During the singing Aida and her dad revealed that they are father and daughter, but not that they are royals. But somehow,

Aida is still free to run around, and somehow so is her dad, bc Aida is waiting to meet up with Radamès in the night, just signing a song about how beautiful Ethiopia is and how she'll never see it again, when her dad shows up and is like, look, I know you love him, and

you can have your man AND your country if you just do this one thing for me: find out which route the Egyptians are taking to the next battle. (So I guess the war is ongoing? Victory parade seems a little premature now, but ok).

Aida: You cannot ask me to do this! My father, my love! I am torn! I want to die!
Aida's dad: You are no daughter of mine! You turn your back on our country!
Aida: OK fine, I'll do it.

Me: Her dad wants her to get her boyfriend's information so they can win the war!
5yo: But then the boyfriend will die
Me: I think the dad is promising not to kill him, but yes, this seems like a problem. I think the idea is to capture him instead & he can marry Aida in Ethiopia

King of Ethiopia: Radamès is coming, I'll hide in the bushes
Radamès: I love you, Aida!
Aida: How can we be together? The king says you have to marry his daughter.
Radamès – I shit you not – replies:

I will defeat Ethiopia in battle AGAIN and the king will be so delighted that THIS time he will give me anything I want, so I'll request to marry you instead of his daughter.

Me: There is NO WAY that is going to work. I think this guy is just dumb.

Seriously, what do TWO PRINCESSES see in Radamès? This bro is totally unprepared for the game he is playing. What the FUCK, Radamès? Is that a real plan?

Aida: The Princess has literally spent thirty minutes of this production singing about vengeance, so I think it would be better to run away together
Radamès: You ask me to leave my country? To abandon my fatherland and the altars of our gods?
Aida: Ethiopia is fucking gorgeous

Aida: Also, if you don't marry the princess, my dad and me will be killed
Radamès: Ah. In that case, let's flee to the desert! We will live on love alone!
5yo: HA HA in the desert! What's he going to do, BRING FIVE HUNDRED WATER BOTTLES?
Aida: Um, Ethiopia is really nice

Radamès: Whatever, let's go
Aida: How can we avoid the army?
Radamès: The army's route will be empty til tomorrow
Aida: And which route is that?
Radamès: The pass at Napata
Me: HE GAVE THE INFORMATION!!!! SHE'S TRICKY!

5yo: Now Aida's dad has the information? So who's going to die?
Me: Maybe everyone?
Aida's dad now fucking POPS OUT OF THE BUSHES and is like, HA, I got your information, now we're going to win the war! Like, what? Shouldn't he ... not tell the Egyptians that he knows?

How are you gonna surprise attack somebody the day after tomorrow when you just said GOTCHA, I KNOW WHERE YOU'LL BE THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW. Makes no sense. But just then...

Princess: I heard you, you traitor!
Some priests: Definitely a traitor

Aida and her dad run away. Radamès is hauled off. Later he's in a room with the Princess, who's like, seriously, let's just get married and I'll talk to my dad and make this all go away.

Radamès: NO I WILL JUST DIE NOW
Me: He said he's the saddest person in the world

Radamès: I don't regret anything but I won't defend myself, this opera is very long so I need to die now
Princess: I am also very sad and conflicted

Trial priest: You are a traitor! What say ye?
Radamès:

Me: Radamès won't say anything so the priests say he's guilty and now they're gonna punish him
Priests: We're going to entomb you alive underneath the altar of the god you've offended
Me: Um....

Me: They say he has to die [not specifying that this room is the actual mode of death]

Radamès locked in a room: I will never see Aida again. I hope she got back to Ethiopia and never hears what happened to me.

Aida, popping into the tomb: Hi!

Me: Um ... they've decided to die together.
5yo: What are they saying now?
Me: Um...
5yo: Tell me!
Me: They think they'll be happy together in heaven after they die
5yo: NO ONE CAN REALLY BE A GHOST OR A ZOMBIE

Me: 😂
5yo: What?
Me: ZOMBIE AIDA 😂😂😂

Radamès: You are made for love, but in loving you I have killed you!
Me: That's at least a little bit clever, you dumb fuck

Aida: I die with you! Life is useless, heaven will open to us! Love eternal!
Radamès: Alas, I cannot move this stone!
5yo: Um, how did Aida get in there? Can't she just show him how to get out the way she came in? Like WHERE IS THE DOOR, why don't they just GO OUT HOW SHE CAME IN

Me: I ... will ask someone on the computer about this later

Princess, doing princess stuff on the stone above the tomb: I pray for heaven to receive my beloved Radamès

Me: Your fuccboi is seriously down there with Aida RIGHT NOW

It ends! It is VERY LATE. The opera started at 7:45 and I thought the kid would last 20 minutes and we'd go home. But she sat through the whole thing! She only got bored in the last 20 min or so, so at that point it made sense to stick it out and find out who was going to die.

5yo: Okay, it's over! You said someone was going to die. But no one died yet!
Me: Um, yes, well, Radamès was sentenced to die.
[Does not reveal that the mode of death is actually just suffocating in that room]
Me: And you're right that they will not become ghosts or zombies

The beginning vs the end

THERE THEY ARE, THE UNYIELDING MINISTERS OF DEATH