Thread by @scumbelievable

It's often difficult to realize you're being abused. Most of the time our brains fundamentally don't want to admit it. We'd rather pretend each incident of abuse is an isolated event.

Here are a few ways I've learned to build continuity and catalog abusive behavior.

1. Keep a diary. Whenever someone hurts you, make as clear and complete a record of it as you can. I used a secret tumblr, but a locked twitter account works just as well, or a word doc. I'd recommend against using a physical object.

2. If you're asked by an intimate to keep something harmful they did to you a secret, don't. Tell someone you trust and see how they react. Yelling, throwing things, intimidation (blocking doorways, etc), and contemptuous talk are all things you might be asked to conceal.

3. If something you were asked to conceal but didn't gets back to the behavior's originator and provokes an extreme reaction, record that too. Secrecy is a tool for control just as much as explosions of temper and negativity.

4. Talk therapy. If you're struggling in any kind of relationship, this is one of the best tools for accountability and continuity you can have. A second person keeping a record of the things you go through helps immeasurably to make sense of the pattern of those events.

5. If an intimate makes a rule or demand, make a note of it. This helps to combat attempts at gaslighting and memory manipulation in the event that said intimate later reverses or changes the aforementioned rule to "trap" you.

6. Focus on your friends. Strong relationships outside romantic partnership make it harder for an abuser to exert control over you.

Abuse isn't anyone's fault but the abuser's. It's hard to spot abusers, hard to admit our loved ones are abusing us, hard to leave even once we HAVE admitted it. Everyone moves at their own pace, but they don't have to do it alone.