Thread by @garius

Watching parliament again. Because I hate myself apparently.

Oh look it's little Dominic Raab, pretending to be a Foreign Secretary in the same way children pretend to be Firefighters.

Someone at the FO has clearly briefed Raab on where Hong Kong is. Top work that person.

A giant sigh echoes across the mics as Raab sits down.

No one knows who did it. It may have been a ghost. But it speaks for us all.

I'm sure the people of Hong Kong are sleeping easier knowing that Dominic Raab has told China we have concerns about what's happening.

As a sidenote, I'm still amazed China has been SO SHIT with Hong Kong that they've made us look good.

Bercow accidentally promotes Philip Dunne to the Privy Council.

Phil takes it in good spirits and humbly demotes himself

Wera Hobhouse (Not a made up name) asks about trade and import controls.

I have a growing suspicion that Dominic Raab is a video game NPC who somehow got turned into a real boy.

He's so generic on every level.

Now the fun bit.

LIZ TRUSS! YEEEEEES. GOWAN LIZ.

Tell us about all those weapons you've been accidentally selling to Saudi Arabia.

Again.

Liz is sorry about selling weapons.

I'd say something sarcastic but I' genuinely gobsmacked that a member of this government was prepared to say sorry about ANYTHING.

Liz Truss is starting to get really good at reading. At least Key Stage 3 level now.

Good work Liz. Keep at it!

HAHAHA

Turns out they were about to accidentally sell weapons to Saudi Arabia. Again.

Caught this one in time.

Good work Liz.

If anyone is looking for the One Ring, Liz Truss has got it at the moment.

Turns out Liz reckons we might have accidentally sold MORE weapons to Saudi Arabia, we're checking.

Oh Liz.

"It is very important we get this right" Liz says about the weapons licencing process that they have absolutely not been getting right.

"I'm sick of hearing it's rigorous and robust. It ISN'T rigorous or robust" Ann Clwyd says. And she should know. She's on the arms export committee.

Liz assures her it is, her eyes flicking constantly as her host body fights back against its parasitic lizard overlord.

I really don't think Liz is enjoying being Sec State for International Trade. It's dangerously close to real work.

Ellie Reeves is up and demands ALL future arms exports to Saudia Arabia should be banned.

One of my favourite MPs for the SOLE REASON that she represents Penge.

PENGE.

Peeeeeeeeeenge.

Pennnnnnnge

Keith Vaz asks what the coroner puts on the death certificates of those killed by Saudi bombs sold by Britain

Based on what Liz has said, He asks whether it should be:

"Death caused by administrative error"

Truss is genuinely too stunned to reply.

parliamentlive.tv/event/index/f6…

I... Think Vaz has genuinely broken Liz Truss. She's glitching all over the place now.

If any of my MP followers are reading this can one of you pop back into the Chamber and reset her?

Live tweeting paused why I buy a Cuban sandwich.

You can help fund FUTURE Cubano purchases here... 😉

ko-fi.com/garius

Yesssss

Harman up and (with Clarke) arguing that there should be a speaker's conference to update the language of what is and isn't allowed in the House.

Too right.

"What we're seeing now in politics is a deliberate race to the bottom... one that disadvantages those of us who are not prepared to be part of that race." - Justine Greening

Kevin Foster, repping the Cabinet Office, says the government is serious about dealing with this.

Somehow he doesn't instantly catch fire.

Ed Miliband (Bacon Butty, Labour) lays into the PM's conduct for endangering the safety for MPs.

"As someone who grew up in the shadow of war, we are NOT at war with Europe, and we are NOT at war with each other."

"He [the PM] is trying to divide an already divided country"

Boris, of course, isn't here. Like a proper bully, he's hiding behind someone else like a proper Bully.

Ah shit. Desmond Swayne. Nobody deserves this. What did I do to deserve Desmond Swayne.

Stella is up. Says what needs to be said about Johnson's comments and whole approach.

"It is feeding a culture and a language that normalises extremism."

"When the trolls are in parliament. How do we stop 'feeding the trolls'?"

"How should I respond to those who told me in the marketplace that I am a traitor who deserves to be shot, when those same accusations of traitor were used in the House last night?" - Caroline Nokes

There is something very telling about Kevin Foster (white male) standing up here constantly deflecting endless questions from female MPs about whether Johnson (white male) calling everyone 'traitors' is a problem.

"I feel I'm coming into a session of the Bullingdon club. That's what it feels like in here. And that culture is set by the leadership."

"The most courageous thing the Prime Minister could have done is come to this house and explain why he thinks that's appropriate." - Hodge

NARRATOR: Boris didn't.

ARGH. just ate a really hot chilli

Jesus christ. That was hot.

Vicky Ford ruins a perfectly decent point about everyone dialling down the language by taking a pop at Bercow in the middle of it.

But she DOES rightly finish by demanding the return of the Domestic Violence Act.

Andrea Leadsom next. We're getting all the superstars today.

Gonna open a rum cake bar, because it's the closest I can get to actual drinking.

"We only have this planet and it is our duty to leave it in a better place than we found it."

Fuck me.

I think that might LITERALLY be the first time I've EVER heard Leadsom say something useful.

Went to the loo, came back and found you lot have somehow let Barry Gardiner get up and speak.

FIVE MINUTES.

I LEFT YOU ALL ALONE FOR FIVE MINUTES.

Drew Hendry flags up that Hinckley C is ALREADY £3bn over budget.

Which is impressive.

Ed Miliband (Chaos, Labour) raises the good point that we need to set a higher bar to encourage other countries to do more.

"We need to ramp up our ambitions for 2030"

Ed Davey suggests we solve climate change by reforming the ENTIRE financial system.

Ben Lake (Nominative Determinism, Plaid Cymru) asks if the government has considered tidal lagoon power.

Leadsom points out it's very expensive (She's not wrong).

Richard Graham is saying something about continuing climate change investment in indonesia but I can't really focus because I'd COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN that he looks like Paul Daniels in a bad wig.

BTW today is proving to be a reminder of what Parliament CAN be like - hard questions, rigorous debate, but WITHOUT an escalating language of extremism.

It is not coincidental that Johnson, Cox and Rees-Mogg have not been here.

"Of course Boaty McBoatface is launching today."

Things I never expected Andrea Leadsom to say.

"38% of Americans believe we currently face a climate crisis. It is a slightly smaller number than the number of Americans who believe aliens walk among us"

Matthew Offord points out we need to convince OTHERS to take this crisis seriously too.

Motion on conference recess.

DIIVVVVVVVIIIISON

I will miss genuinely miss Bercow saying Thangam Debonnaire. I'd have it as my ringtone but that would be SUPER weird.

BTW if this vote fails the Tory Party conference is screwed (in its current format) and I will laugh SO HARD.

Ayes 289 Noes 306.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Recess for the Tory Conference fails.

Boris Johnson better hope that Manchester Central doesn't have a Microbrew, because if so he LITERALLY just failed to organise a piss-up in a brewery.

For the record, Johnson is now 0 for 7 on votes.

Ah shit. Rees-Mogg is here.

We need to get those magnet catflaps. He keeps getting in.

FUCK YES.

Domestic Abuse second reading on Wednesday.

Worth pointing out that this can only go ahead because Johnson just lost a vote to recess parliament next week for the Tory Conference.

Rees-Mogg waffles on about chickens and elections then Moggsplains the 1614 Parliament.

It is still 2hrs43mins before I an have a beer.

"Sir John Hayeeeeeees."

Bercow is bored.

Rees-Mogg effectively admits that the reason a whole bunch of Bills won't progress because the government have no control over the Chamber.

Says they'd be subject to amendments "counter to the government's policy"

Angus MacNeil suggests it should be the rules that Bills should be referred to by their official names.

Unsurprisingly Rees-Mogg thinks this is a bad idea. Can't think why.

"The Surrender Bill name is a matter of taste and not a matter of any real importance. I am quite happy with the term Surrender Bill" mewls Rees-Mogg.

Rees Mogg claims Corbyn had a 'Neil Kinnock moment' last night.

I think Rees Mogg invokes Kinnock more than any Labour MP does.

He secretly wuvs him. Wuuuuvs him.

Liz Saville Roberts asks what options of censure and impeachment are available if required for the PM.

Bercow points her to the Table Office.

Which is a place where they know stuff like this, for those unfamiliar, not a fancy name for Parliament's Facilities department.

Bercow tells Matthew Offord that just because Momentum are picking on him doesn't mean Bercow has to tell them off.

Right, that's me done for today I think. I need to focus on other bits.

If you want to buy me a beer to help forget about Rees Mogg again later, then you can do so here!

ko-fi.com/garius