Thread by @BestForBritain

Here we, here we, here we f****** go!!! ~JL

Johnson’s speech begins with an extraordinarily lacklustre namecheck of Theresa May, followed by the most muted applause imaginable. Brutal. ~JL

Johnson, for some reason famed for his oratory, is racing through this. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a political speech rattled off at such speed. Anyone would think he was embarrassed by this garbage. ~JL

Johnson makes a lame joke about a kangaroo testicle. Coincidentally, bollocks is the only thing about this speech that leaps out for me too ~JL

Johnson says we have more say over I’m A Celebrity than the House of Commons. Strangely, nothing about the people’s lack of say over no-deal, or Johnson’s new backstop plan, or Brexit altogether? ~JL

I know I’m biased, people, but this is an extraordinary shitshow of a speech whose only genius is that it’s made the last 7 minutes feel like 500 years ~JL

Johnson has completely lost his mojo. Pacing, timing all over the show. He made an obscure reference and told his audience (not all Eton-educated, sadly) to ‘look it up’. Please please make it stop ~JL

‘We will respect the peace process’, says the man who’s about to install customs infrastructure which the Northern Ireland police service insists will inflame community tensions and become an instant terrorist target ~JL

Johnson says the only alternative to his shit deal (I paraphrase) is no-deal - completely ignoring the Benn Act which has now forced him to seek to avoid it. Johnson cries that we’re ready for no-deal and elicits the largest cheer so far. These people are homicidally unhinged ~JL

Johnson says that his mother taught him the equal worth and dignity of each human being - obviously yet another woman he deliberately ignored ~JL

Johnson yet again lies that he’s going to build 40 hospitals and lies that the Tories are the party of the NHS ~JL

‘I claim that title!’ he exclaims. You always claimed the title of ‘world king’. We know you are very entitled. It means absolutely nothing. The world sees through you. ~JL

The ex-Bullingdon Club toff who joked about snorting cocaine and thinking it was icing sugar condemns the drugs trade for ‘serving the bourgeoisie’ ~JL

‘I confess I don’t know all the details’ of high-speed broadband. Um, it’s one of your flagship policies and this is your setpiece conference speech, you grotesquely entitled bellend ~JL

Just imagine, for one tiny second, a woman leader standing before her party and country and not only admitting but *celebrating* the fact she didn’t know what she was talking about. The next time someone says the patriarchy doesn’t exist, show them that ~JL

I’m not accusing anyone of anything here, but I’ve never seen anyone sober deliver a speech like this ~JL

Imagine Rowley Birkin QC from the Fast Show as an Oxford undergraduate circa 1987 and this speech lines up perfectly ~JL

*ATTENTION DRINKING GAMERS*

‘THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE’ HAS APPEARED ~JL

And it’s over. Must be one of the shortest Conference speeches in years but still managed to last an eternity. He said absolutely nothing and conference hall seemed weirdly indifferent. Will be completely forgotten by tomorrow when EU is busily dismissing his shit Brexit plan ~JL