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People can be quick to question the motivations of abuse survivors who choose to tell their story. Why now? Is it for revenge? Money? Attention?
Questions like these come quickly and easily in a culture that has long demonstrated a tendency to shun such stories.
Questions like these come quickly and easily in a culture that has long demonstrated a tendency to shun such stories.
These questions divert attention away from what I believe is a more reasonable consideration: the number of motivations that exist for NEVER telling.
Here are 12 walls that I’ve observed in my own work and research that prevent abuse survivors from ever telling their story:
Here are 12 walls that I’ve observed in my own work and research that prevent abuse survivors from ever telling their story:
1. A major reason for remaining silent is the understandable belief that people will question a survivor's credibility.
If the story threatens the identity, money, or position of an abuser, then many might seek to discredit the story to protect the more powerful individual.
If the story threatens the identity, money, or position of an abuser, then many might seek to discredit the story to protect the more powerful individual.
2. Some communities place such an emphasis on loyalty and submission to authority that people are conditioned to believe silence is spiritual.
The community can turn against the survivor for betraying what they feel are higher and more important virtues.
The community can turn against the survivor for betraying what they feel are higher and more important virtues.
3. Offenders are often in positions of trust: parent, teacher, pastor, coach, boss.
The survivor might worry about what will happen to someone they've known for a long time.
They also fear being rejected by those closest to them - those angry about the exposure.
The survivor might worry about what will happen to someone they've known for a long time.
They also fear being rejected by those closest to them - those angry about the exposure.
4. Survivors within faith communities might be condemned for bringing public shame upon sacred groups or roles.
These narcissistic systems will condemn any they believe are needlessly giving reasons for outsiders to look upon the people and their beliefs with suspicion.
These narcissistic systems will condemn any they believe are needlessly giving reasons for outsiders to look upon the people and their beliefs with suspicion.
5. Fear of being blamed for the abuse can easily outweigh any motivation to tell.
It's been suggested to many survivors that their abuse was self-inflicted, either through their attire, attractiveness, assertive personality, or simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
It's been suggested to many survivors that their abuse was self-inflicted, either through their attire, attractiveness, assertive personality, or simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
6. Telling a story of abuse requires vulnerability because it is impossible to know how others will respond.
Some respond by simply distancing themselves by not responding at all or by quickly dismissing what they would rather not hear. Their silence can be unspeakably painful.
Some respond by simply distancing themselves by not responding at all or by quickly dismissing what they would rather not hear. Their silence can be unspeakably painful.
7. If the abuse took place years ago, survivors might believe they will be accused for not coming forward sooner and fear a sense of complicity.
When people ask, “Why didn't you say something?” they are implicitly suggesting the survivor is at fault for not reporting the abuse.
When people ask, “Why didn't you say something?” they are implicitly suggesting the survivor is at fault for not reporting the abuse.
8. Many have suffered relational loss after their story is made known. Friends and family have abandoned survivors over what they perceive as a betrayal.
In some cases, survivors have had to relocate to another school, church, or community to escape harassment by others.
In some cases, survivors have had to relocate to another school, church, or community to escape harassment by others.
9. Survivors are sometimes threatened with defamation lawsuits after they go public with their story. Some have even been told that they will be “destroyed” if they blow the whistle. Survivors fear losing their jobs, facing legal expenses, and ruining future job opportunities
10. Some abusers use threats of self-harm to manipulate their victim into remaining silent.
The abuser exploits the survivor's concern for the abuser's well-being by threatening suicide or that their life will be ruined if they ever tell someone.
The abuser exploits the survivor's concern for the abuser's well-being by threatening suicide or that their life will be ruined if they ever tell someone.
11. Survivors risk losing their reputation if they go public, especially if the accused is a powerful individual. The abuser can easily use their platform to spread narratives in which the survivor is made to appear vindictive, selfish, confused, bitter, or in need of attention.
12. In some cases, survivors are intimidated with threats against their safety. The fear of retaliation is a strong (and sometimes necessary) deterrent to exposure. The survivor might need to develop a safety plan in cooperation with a support network if they ever decide to tell.
Choosing to expose an abuser requires overcoming strong motivations for never telling.
Nevertheless, we tend to be quick to question the motivations of survivors who tell and we are not so quick to consider the many motivations that exist for never telling.
Nevertheless, we tend to be quick to question the motivations of survivors who tell and we are not so quick to consider the many motivations that exist for never telling.
Every community wanting to become a safer place for survivors of abuse ought to be asking themselves, "Who are we being that a survivor might not trust us with their story? What barriers have we put in their way? What walls need to be torn down for their sake?"
