Thread by @garius

This morning in Marks and Spencers I went to use their orange crushing juice maker machine.

Because pushing down the lever and crushing oranges first thing in the morning makes me feel like Conan the Barbarian.

But when I pushed down the lever nothing happened.

So I looked at the tray, and realised there was an orange stuck in the gap between that and the chute. I nudged it free and the machine grumbled into life, my little orange victims falling down the wire tube to be crushed at my mere touch

This worked briefly but then it got jammed again. So I did the same again and it resumed, but now the top tray, which was rotating, was starting to wobble alarmingly.

I probably should have stopped at this point, but my bottle was half full and I was drunk with power.

So I kept pushing the lever down and oranges were now falling down the tube erratically, periodically spewing juice into my bottle.

But it was also, with alarming and increasing frequency, starting to fling oranges out of the top of the wobbling cage.

But my bottle still wasn't full and I was invested in this now so HELL NO was I going to stop.

Even though the wobble was getting worse.

So I kept going, and now oranges were wobbling out all over the place but I was ALMOST DONE and then YESSSSS finally, as the wire almost rattled off entirely and even more oranges cascaded off away rolling behind me, I let go of the lever.

I put the full bottle down on the metal base, grabbed a lid and slammed it on, drunk with my own power and satisfied with my own majesty.

And turned around to see the most traumatised looking Chinese tourist EVER standing behind me, surrounded by oranges.

I'd like to pretend that I said something awesome at this point:

"I have become DEATH. Destroyer of oranges"

But I didn't. I just said:

"Sorry."

And slunk off to the self-service till.

Because I'm English.

Anyway, there's no crazy moral to this story really. I just wanted to point out that we should all be careful because power corrupts. Even when its only over the life and death of oranges.

Also use those fresh orange crushy machines in M&S now. Because fuck me they're satisfying