Thread by @garius

Sod it. To anyone who buys me a coffee:

If you include the name of a 'guest star' in your comment (must be a footballer or classic TV actor) I will write you the synopsis of that episode of Coleen, P.I. and thread it here.

ko-fi.com/garius

https://twitter.com/garius/status/1181930389805383681

Episode introduction is already written and here:

https://twitter.com/garius/status/1181915371374338050

S1/EP3: THE ROAD TO PURDEYTION

When the body of a Russian spy turns up in the pool of wealthy British recluse Emma Steed, Coleen discovers there is more to her than everyone thinks. Cheryl hunts a drug-dealer. Wayne does Keepy ups.

Guest Star: Joanna Lumley

(Going forward, include a name or twitter handle if you want crediting for your donation!)

S1/EP4: YOU'VE BEEN SERVED

Coleen is approached by Helena Seger, who is being blackmailed by a corrupt LA department store manager. Together they uncover a sinister shoplifting extortion ring. Cheryl punches a crime lord. Zlatan does a Panenka.

Guest star: John Inman

S1/EP5: FOUR LIGHTS

When a Japanese millionaire is killed by a homeless drunk, nobody believes it was self defence. Except Coleen. What she uncovers is a dark tale of wartime torture, bravery and betrayal. Cheryl hunts a mole. Wayne does Keepy ups.

Guest Star: Patrick Stewart

Fun Fact: FOUR LIGHTS was the first episode of Coleen, P.I. to be nominated for an Emmy.

S1/E6: FIFTH REICH

When Cheryl goes missing undercover as a park ranger, Coleen and Helena enlist local helicopter pilot Owen Michaels to help them find her. What they discover is a strange youth camp and a former Nazi commandant hiding in plain sight

Guest star: Bernard Hepton

FUN FACT: FIFTH REICH was one of only 3 episodes not to feature Wayne OR Zlatan.

Cheryl Tweedy broke her arm while filming her 30ft leap down the waterfall to the helicopter at episode's end, but insisted on finishing the scene before being taken to hospital.

S1/E7: MYHARD

On a visit to new Social Media firm MyFace, Coleen is taken hostage when a protest group occupies the building. She quickly realises there is money, not protest, on their leader's mind. Cheryl stalks from the vents. Wayne does a nutmeg.

Guest Star: Bruce Willis

S1/E8: MURDER, SHE TWEETED (CROSSOVER EPISODE)

On a romantic getaway to the sleepy town of Cabot Cove, Coleen finds herself racing against time to prove a local author innocent of a horrific murder. Cheryl goes full Rambo. Wayne does keepy ups.

Guest Star: Angela Lansbury

FUN FACT: MURDER, SHE TWEETED was the only Coleen, P.I. episode written by Glen Larsson.

S1/E9: WHY WE FIGHT

At a charity fundraiser, Coleen meets a young footballer trying to stop a property developer from shutting down a cancer hospital. She offers to help. Cheryl battles the mob. Wayne does a stepover

Guest Star: Lyle Taylor. Donate here! fundraise.cancerresearchuk.org/unite/lyle-tay…

S1/E10: TWO FACED

At a cocktail party Helena and Coleen discover a charismatic US senator is a N. Korean sleeper agent. They resolve to tell the FBI... if they can escape his mansion alive. Cheryl kills a man with a spork. Wayne and Zlatan do keepy ups

Guest Star: Dirk Benedict

FUN FACT: The scene where Helena Seger flicks a silver tray up from the floor and spin-kicks it into the throat of the senator's bodyguard in a single motion was entirely improvised.

S1/E11 BLIND FAITH

Owen Michaels discovers that the padre who saved his life in Vietnam, at the cost of his own sight, is battling to save a Catholic orphanage from the mob. He begs Coleen for help. Cheryl fights street punks. Wayne does a shimmy.

Guest star: Joaquin Phoenix

FUN FACT: Joaquin Phoenix spent three months with his eyes bandaged as preparation for the role of Padre Maguire.

S1/E12 of course, we have already covered:

https://twitter.com/garius/status/1181930389805383681

S1/E13 REQUIEM FOR A DREAMER

Cheryl Tweedy is badly wounded on a secret mission to an island dictatorship. Sheltered by an old British diplomat, he tells her about 'the one that got away' to keep her conscious and alive. Coleen and Owen race to find her

Guest Star: Roy Dotrice

FUN FACT: This was the last thing Dotrice ever filmed. He died before the studio shoot was complete and his scenes were completed by a double.

The tears Cheryl cries as 'Sir William' is led away by the secret police to his death are real.

S1/E14 JUST ONE MORE THING... (SERIES FINALE)

Helena is framed for murder, but only Coleen seems to believe her. That is, until a scruffy old retired Italian LA detective offers to lend a hand. Cheryl starts an uprising. Wayne does a dink.

Guest Star: Peter Falk

S2/E1 THE KEEPER (Part 1)

Back in Manchester for a break, Coleen finds her childhood street caught in a turf war between a corrupt policeman and an ex pro turned crime lord. With Cheryl's help, she takes to the barricades. Wayne does a flick

Guest Stars: Jon Thaw, David Seaman

S2/E2 THE KEEPER (Part 2)

As Coleen and Cheryl lead a desperate resistance on the streets of Manchester, Helena and Zlatan rally old friends and enemies to relieve them. Zlatan does a scissor kick

Guest Stars: Jon Thaw, David Seaman, The Arsenal Invincibles, The Class of '92.

S2/E3 CLASS ACTION

When their facilities teacher is falsely accused of exam fraud, a group of students ask Coleen for help. What she discovers goes right to the top of the School Board. Cheryl tries underground boxing. Wayne does a lob.

Guest star: William Windom

Bloody autocorrect 'facilities' should be favourite.

S2/E4 IN THE ARMY NOW

Coleen and Helena join the army to catch a corrupt General. But first they'll have to survive bootcamp. Cheryl explores her Reaver heritage. Zlatan does a shimmy.

Guest Star: Robert Vaughn

S2/E5 WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS

Coleen poses as a high-roller to bring down a corrupt Casino magnate who is blackmailing a faded star. Cheryl Tweedy throat-punches a Nazi. Wayne does keepy ups.

Guest Stars: Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis Jnr.

S2/E6 BETRAYAL

Cheryl is delighted when the master assassin that trained her arrives in Los Angeles and asks for help with a target. That delight turns to horror when she discovers the target is... Coleen. Wayne does a panenka.

Guest star: Lynda Carter

S2/E7 WAYNE'S WORLD

While Coleen, Helena and Cheryl are at an MMA tournament, Wayne and Zlatan are left in charge of the detective agency. But when a simple wire fraud case suddenly gets more serious, the boys are forced to seek out an old mentor for help...

Guest star: Pelé

S2/E8 GUNS, BOMBS AND STEALING

The French master thief known as 'The Seagull' is back in town, and this time he needs Coleen's help to stop a chemical weapons theft. But is he telling the whole truth? Cheryl punches an incel. Wayne does a Cruyff Turn.

Guest star: Eric Cantona

S2/E9 ARABIAN FRIGHTS

A charismatic foreign prince arrives in LA and tries to woo Wayne away from Coleen. But Coleen suspects his oil-rich state isn't quite the football paradise he claims it to be. Cheryl does a HALO insertion. Wayne does a dink.

Guest star: Ricardo Montalbahn

S3/E10: THE LOCKED BOX PROBLEM

When her handsome assistant is murdered, a flamboyant magician seems to have a rock solid alibi. Coleen is not so sure, and persuades Wayne to go undercover as his replacement. Cheryl learns Escapology. Zlatan does a lob.

Guest Star: Olivia Colman

COLMAN: And what makes you think you can be my assistant, my dear?
WAYNE: Um... I can do both dinks and shimmies?
COLMAN: Well aren't you a delight.

(Also should say S2 not S3, obvs)

S2/E11 RECIPE FOR VIOLENCE

Cheryl's life is endangered when she recognizes a celebrity chef as a former Soviet assassin. Coleen races to find proof before the chef can silence Cheryl. Permanently. Wayne does keepy ups.

Guest Star: Mary Berry

S2/E12 WIFE ON MARS

1967. The European Cup. Coleen watches her husband, George Best, from the stands. Or does she? Is this real? Why does the stadium announcer keep asking for her to go to the front desk? Cheryl does Brain surgery. Wayne does a scissor

Guest Star: George Best

S2/E13 CARRY ON GLAMPING

Coleen, Helena and Cheryl try to enjoy a fun weekend outdoors, but when they discover the site owner is running a modern slavery ring, things get very serious, very fast. Cheryl duels banjos. Wayne and Zlatan practice pens.

Guest Star: Barbara Windsor

S2/E14 CHERYL (SEASON FINALE/SPINOFF PILOT)

CIA boss Nicola Roberts blackmails Cheryl Tweedy and Michael Owen into leading a mission to overthrow a corrupt dictator. But there is a spy in their midst. Cheryl kills a Predator. Owen does a mazy run.

Guest Star: Diego Maradona

S3/E1 OLD ENEMIES...

Cheryl's return to active duty hits Coleen hard and leaves a hole in the team. The arrival of a new yogi in LA offers some relief, but then a deadly old enemy resurfaces...

Guest stars: Vinnie Jones, Rebekah Vardy

S3/E2 ...NEW FRIENDS

Coleen and Helena struggle to prevent Vardy from taking over the LA gossip scene, until a bumbling masked 'hero' intervenes. But who is King Keggy? And can he really join the team?

Guest Stars: Rebekah Vardy, Kevin Keegan