MONKEY: (flings poop)
D: What a terrible candidate
R: At least the poop-flinging monkey won’t kill babies & take away my guns
D: But the Democrats don’t—
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R: TRIGGERED, LIBS?
R: What about that time in 1995 when Bill Clinton threw his poop at a Congressional staffer
D: I am 98% certain that never happened
R: I read it on Breitbart
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R: YAY!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
D: This is a disaster
R: The economy’s doing better already!
D: You are all deranged
R: Or maybe *you’ve* got PFMDS
CNN: An abysmally low turnout arrived in Washington for the inauguration of the Poop-Flinging Monkey as President
R: Fake News! The crowd was huge!
D: That’s not what the photos reveal
R: That’s just what the media WANTS you to think!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
WP: So, how’s the transition going
R: Couldn’t be better! Except for the Democrat pranksters who smeared poop all over the keyboards, walls, & bedsheets
WP: Are you sure that didn’t happen AFTER the poop-flinging monkey arrived
R: Again with you biased media liberals
D: It was a terrible idea to leave a poop-flinging monkey in charge of the USA
R: Why?
D: Our infrastructure’s a disaster, the budget’s in shambles, & let’s not even get into the cleaning bill at the G8
R: You’re just bitter because we’re WINNING
MONKEY: (flings poop)
NYT: We’re deep in the heart of Slidewhistle, Utah to speak with some voters. What do you think of President Poop-Flinging Monkey so far?
R: Well, I’m happy he’s pissing off the liberals
NYT: Really? why?
R: They looked down on me for voting for a poop-flinging monkey
WP: We have references for all 20,631 times President Poop-Flinging Monkey threw his poop while in office
R: How do you know other Presidents didn’t throw their poop just as much? HUH?
D: It would have made the headlines every night
R: WHAT IF THE MEDIA COVERED IT UP
D: The House of Representatives asserts that the President threw his poop at Chancellor Angela Merkel, which is an impeachable offense
R: FAKE NEWS! The Deep State is spreading vicious lies to bring down our President!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R: Plus, Merkel deserved it
D1: I saw the Poop-Flinging Monkey flinging poop at Chancellor Merkel
R: That’s just hearsay
D2: I, too, saw the President flinging poop at Merkel
R: Also hearsay
MERKEL: Ich bin in kacke bedeckt
R: Yeah, but you could have smeared it all over yourself
COOPER: We return live to the Poop-Flinging Monkey Rally, where the President is in his element
MONKEY: (poop-flinging frenzy)
LEMON: For obvious reasons, it’s very difficult to read the signs behind him
COOPER: The Democrats have their work cut out for them in 2020
MONKEY: (flings poop)
COOPER: Are they better off now than they were four years ago?
(Kanye West leads crowd in “POOPITY SCOOP!” chant)
LEMON: Perhaps they will come to terms with his limitations
R: We have it on expertly-sourced authority that Hunter Biden threw poop at someone in Ukraine
D: No, that’s been debunked. He TOOK a poop in Ukraine, but that’s it
NYT: We need to hear from both sides of this controversy
FOX: THE BIDEN “POOPERGATE” SCANDAL CONTINUES
MONKEY: (flings poop at crowd)
R: I’m so glad we have a President who tells it like it is
CROWD: BOOOOOO!
R: How uncivilized! Those disrespectful Democrats need to mind their manners
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R: YEAH! It’s about time we had a President who fought back!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
D: This is ridiculous. How can you keep supporting this President?
R: He’s just TROLLING you! 😂 And you silly liberals keep falling for it!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
D: Uh, does he do anything else
R: SILLY, TRIGGERED LIBERALS!
D: We contend that the poop found on Chancellor Merkel came from the Poop-Flinging Monkey
R: Witch hunt! That could be anybody’s poop!
D: Our forensic endocrinologist has determined that it is indeed monkey poop
R: That could be anybody’s monkey poop!
BIDEN: I won’t say that supporters of the Poop-Flinging Monkey have anything wrong with their judgment
MONKEY: (flings poop at Biden)
BIDEN: If there’s one thing I’ve learned in American politics, it’s that it’s a very bad idea to call his supporters “deplorable”
R: 53% of Republicans said the Poop-Flinging Monkey is a better POTUS than Lincoln
D: Oh, FFS. On what grounds?
R: His supporters cite “awesomeness” & “making liberals cry”
D: Let’s hear it for meritocracy
R: They also give him very high marks for “flinging poop”
MORNING SHOW
“Politics Over the Holidays”
WOMAN: Some people DO like the President who does nothing but fling poop everywhere, & others DON’T like the President who does nothing but fling poop everywhere
MAN: The important thing is to listen, & respect both sides
MAN: Just understand you will never, ever, ever, ever, EVER change his mind
WOMAN: Just try to have a nice family dinner
MAN: I mean seriously, it’s like the Borg got to them
WOMAN: Of course! After the break, my co-anchor will be replaced by a meme of the Poop-Flinging Monkey saying “NEENER NEENER”
MAN: Wait, what
R: I am shunned by the so-called “tolerant” left for my unwavering support of the Poop-Flinging Monkey. My friends don’t return my calls. I’m a pariah at dinner parties. I get funny looks on the subway...
D: And why do you suppose that is
R: I blame the liberal media
🇹🇷: We oppose the NATO defense plan for Baltic countries
🇫🇷: Our Number One priority should be the defeat of ISIS
🇩🇪: We must devise a plan for NATO to survive the coming years
🇺🇸: (flings poop)
D: A monkey who does nothing but fling poop is unfit for office
R: Witch hunt! You didn’t even VOTE for the Poop-Flinging Monkey, did you?!
D: Uh.....
R: AHA! So you were ALWAYS against making a poop-flinging monkey our President!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R1: I can’t believe how unhinged the Democrats are acting
R2: Can you believe they want to impeach the Poop-Flinging Monkey?
R1: Why can’t they just let our President do what we elected him to do
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R2: There must be something wrong with them
MONKEY: (flings poop)
D: The Poop-Flinging Monkey is unfit to lead this nation
R: That’s a Deep State conspiracy!
D: Excuse me?
R: Doesn’t it seem suspicious that the Democrats, the MSM, the FBI, & the NeverPoopers all say the exact same things about the President?
🐸: “POOP MAN BAD!”
D: Oh, shut up
KILMEADE: Welcome to Fox & Friends! Our guest is Kellyanne Conway
DOOCY: What do you say to those who think there’s something wrong with a poop-flinging President?
CONWAY: He only does that because liberals force us to use low-pressure toilets
DOOCY: Sounds plausible
COOPER: Our guest is conservative opinion-haver Reagan Deplorable
DEPLORABLE: The Poop-Flinging Monkey is the greatest President of all time (throws poop)
C: You know, I don’t think we’re going to have you back
D: You liberals and your “Cancel Culture”
D: In your report, does it say “The President threw poop at Angela Merkel” on Pages 34, 49, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 89, 93, and 102?
MUELLER: Yes
D: So do you recommend impeachment?
MUELLER: That’s not my job
R:: LOL FAKE IMPEACHMENT HOAX FAKE FAKE FAKE
BARR: Our IG report reveals that Hillary Clinton covertly threw her own poop on Chancellor Merkel and framed the monkey for it
CLINTON: That’s the craziest thing I’ve heard since the last 12,000 things the GOP has accused me of
🐸: LOCK HER UP!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
LEMON: Today, President Poop-Flinging Monkey sent a strongly-worded letter to Nancy Pelosi
O’BRIEN: It’s just a blank sheet of paper covered in brown smudges
LEMON: Yes, but it’ll end up in the Library of Congress some day
O’BRIEN: Take THAT, Gettysburg Address
R: Liberals are trying to outlaw Christmas
D: Oh, FFS; not this again
R: Thanks to the globalist secular muticulturalism of the Democrat Party, we can no longer enjoy Christmas trees, Santa Claus, tinsel, reindeer, eggnog, or Jesus Christ
D: That is not entirely true
D: Are you feeling OK
R: A new savior now walks among us! And what is his name?
D:
R: THE POOP-FLINGING MONKEY!
(Vince Guaraldi music plays)
R: Merry Christmas! God bless us, everyone!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R1: Well, it finally happened
R2: The Democrats impeached the President
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R1: Don’t they know the Senate will protect him, no matter what?
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R2: Democrats have no idea how ridiculous they look right now
MONKEY: (flings poop)
A Starbucks Coffee Emporium
R: Tee hee! I gave a fake name to trigger the liberals
D: Jesus, I can’t take you anywhere
R: Oh, this is it; here it comes
BARISTA: I have an order for “THE POP-FLINGING HONKY IS STILL YOUR PRECEDENT”?
R: Goddamn it
R: Leftists only hate the Poop-Flinging Monkey because they hate us!
D: Beg pardon?
R: They hate people like me, who want to indiscriminately fling poop everywhere & make absurd excuses for it
D: Oh, FFS
R: JE SUIS LE SINGE QUI JETTE DU CACA!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
CNN: The Poop-Flinging Monkey has bypassed Congress to declare war on Iran
D: What a reckless thing to do
R: HOW DARE YOU?
D: It just seems so poorly thought out
R: WHAT KIND OF TRAITOR CRITICIZES HIS PRESIDENT DURING WARTIME?
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R: U-S-A! 🇺🇸