I think the biggest fight I ever had with my wife is that time in 2006 when we rolled our eyes at each other over the thermostat setting
I remember it because she reminds about it every 2 weeks
Inexplicable things that can be instantly retrieved from a human hippocampus:
me: taillight shape on a 1952 Hudson
wife: exact date, time, and location of that time I silently admired some chick's ass
me: taillight shape on a 1952 Hudson
wife: exact date, time, and location of that time I silently admired some chick's ass
This is how I developed my independently rotating eyeballs that allow me to ogle a nice ass, while seemingly paying attention to my wife's story of how much money she saved with Kohl's Cash
The secret to a long successful marriage is marrying someone who has literally never once been on Twitter
She's on Facebook and I'm not, and as far as I know she's throwing shade and joking about my antics there everyday
So what I'm telling young couples is to make sure your pre-nup specifies separate social networks
We're both proud of our two kids, Instagram and Reddit
This concludes today's episode of Oversharing Dave
Not sure why I would plop down $20 for tickets and Skittles to watch a turgid screaming family melodrama when I can see the same thing at Walmart for free
*yes, I shoplift Skittles at Walmart
I momentarily thought about suing these delicious fuckers for denying me ad money, but decided to go shoplift some more instead
