Thread by @andykhouri

Just because everyone’s been talking about it, I started watching Phantom Menace and it’s so weird. For the first twenty minutes or so, nothing anyone says seems to be in response to anything else. People are just saying things, most of them confusing or stupid. How bizarre.

I’m not trying to be hyperbolic. I’m 21 minutes into this movie and I have no idea why anything is happening. Like I have no idea why this planet has been invaded.

I do remember how cool it was to see such prodigious use of lightsabers, like at every opportunity. Lucas knew what the people wanted on that score. The first 30 min has lots of neat laser-fu.

The scene where R2 is presented to ~the Queen~ and is then polished by ~the Queen~ is... something.

Watto is like a Rorschach test of racism. Everyone who looks at him sees a racist caricature of their own ethnicity.

“My mom lost us betting on the pod races.” I don’t think I ever noticed that line before, honestly. Wtf, Madame Skywalker risked trading herself and her toddler into SLAVERY over a bet???

The slavery economy in the prequels is beyond my realm of understanding. Thinking about it is actually painful.

We take it for granted now but TPM was the first movie that really went to town on the CGI mattes and all those stunning sci-fi vistas. They still look great; and have proven extremely influential and useful to filmmaking broadly.

Oh I misunderstood. Mrs. Skywalker didn’t lose the bet, a Hut did.

I don’t know if there’s anything more destructive to the narrative cohesion of Star Wars (such as it is) than Anakin building C-3PO. It breaks the whole universe.

Anakin literally says he dreams of returning to tattooine as a Jedi and freeing all the slaves.

Look, he’s a busy man.

Every shot with Darth Maul in it is cool.

Ben Quadinaros is the best or worst character in the prequels.

Like just on a believability level, the kid driving the pod looks ridiculous. He can barely walk upright, he’s so awkward. He can’t even reach the handles on that thing. And it’s not his fault, he’s like eight.

The cool thing about the pod race is all the noises. Each pod has its own unique growl. Like all the design and art direction and sound in this is superlative, you can’t take that away.

The tusken raider cameo is ace, I gotta say.

At no point does anyone ever explain why they can’t just take Mama Skywalker with them. It’s absurd. But at least there’s some story reason that she has to stay, because Lucas must have known he was gonna fridge her later so Anakin could seduce Padme by killing tusken children.

Years ago I tried to watch these movies and understand the plot and it almost broke me. But I realized one thing:

Newt Gunray is the most important character in the Star Wars saga.

I pause now at the scene where the eight year old boy is deadass running game on Natalie Portman.

Oh I don’t know if I noticed this before but when General Zod shows up you hear a bit of John Williams’ Superman music.

If you took a shot every time Amidala did a costume change you would die.

The Jedi “philosophy,” such as it is, vaguely resembles Mindfulness. “Be mindful of your feelings” is a thing you learn studying meditation. Being present. Earlier in the film Qui-Gon admonishes Obi-Wan to be mindful of the future but not at the expense of “the moment.”

The film wants you to believe Anakin is dangerous despite not demonstrating that in a meaningful way. IMO ATHEY painted themselves into a corner. They want Anakin to be a sweet little boy so it’s tragic but they also can’t show an evil little boy because that’s unsympathetic.

Realized that this whole time we’re meant to understand there’s all kinds of slaughter and oppression happening on Naboo. The blockade and federation stuff is so confusing. The heroes come and go easily. Why is Gunray killing people? Why can’t the Jedi do anything about it?

There’s a good kid-friendly message buried in this movie, but we never actually see how the human Naboo discriminate against the Jar-Jars. We’re told the humans think their shit doesn’t stink, but also that they never interact anyway. Alas.

It bugs me that Qui-Gon has a green lightsaber. I always thought it was awesome that in the OT nobody had a green saber until Luke invented one. That was his own twist on things. But in the prequels all kinds of assholes have them. Bleh.

Kenobi vs Maul still slaps.

Credits say Jabba the Hut was played by himself. Very good.

Machete Order is for cowards.

Attack of the Clones. The opening crawl is still rooted in arcane municipal intrigue but is at least understandable — mostly. It says the Jedi overwhelmed keeping peace in the galaxy, but it’s unclear who they’re fighting and why an army is necessary to help them.

Coruscant could have been really interesting, but the vastness built into it’s concept makes it kind of hard to really explore in these films. Tatooine is more defined in our imaginations than this planet-sized city.

But it looks cool.

I didn’t mention it before but I love the art nouveau stylings of Nabooian spaceships. They’re a wonderful way of showing how this is a very different era than that of the original trilogy.

The film begins with Amidala’s decoy getting killed. She says “I failed you.” But by my reckoning she fulfilled the ultimate duty of a decoy? A small but typical example of the nonsensical dialogue in these prequels. People are often just...saying things

“Senator Amidala, your tragedy on the landing platform - TERRIBLE.”

I know Yoda is referring to the death of her aides, but something about the delivery makes it sound like Yoda’s saying the way she landed her ship sucked ass.

We’re two movies deep now and the basic function of the Jedi isn’t really clear, at least not to me. They don’t fight or interfere...except when they do...or something. What’s clear is whatever they do, they suck at it, and I’m not sure how intentional that was on Lucas’ part.

“You’ve grins too...more BEAUTIFUL I mean.”

Anakin Skywalker is a less charming 😏 emoji

There’s a whole scene where Kenobi and Skywalker argue about whether their mandate is to protect Amidala or find the person trying to kill her. Like, of course they should find the killer? I guess Lucas actually is trying to depict the Jedi as basically stupid to justify Vader.

The Jedi have to fall but IMO it needs to be in more dramatic terms. The prequels depict it as fait accompli by virtue of how ineffectual they are. They weren’t meaningfully undermined by Vader or the Emporer or anything. Which retroactively undermines Kenobi and Luke in the OT.

“Luke, come with me and become a Jedi, it’s a noble important thing we want our audience to care about!”

But then make three movies about how that’s not true.

Kenobi jumping out a window and riding a droid through THE INCAL is pretty cool.

My biggest peeve with these films is kind of dumb because obviously you’re not meant to watch them in episode order, but it really needs to seem the audience that Vader killed Anakin. His reveal as Vader is meant to be a shock. So at the very least, his fate should be a mystery.

The Jedi Council tells Kenobi to track down the person trying to kill Amidala, which is precisely the thing he was angry at Anakin for trying to do earlier in the film. If this is intentional writing it’s not obvious. Think it’s just more contradictory randomness.

“Please don’t look at me like that.”

“Sorry m’lady.”

Ugh.

Someone mentions that it’s not in Count Dooku’s nature to do anything un-Jedilike. Have they ever met this motherfucker?

First utterance of “younglings.”

Subplot about files and archives and erasing them and spluh duh bug guh muh

This might be the most nonsensical dialogue in all of Star Wars

“I wasn't the youngest Queen ever elected...I'm not sure I was ready.”

“The people you served thought you
did a good job. I heard they
tried to amend the Constitution so
you could stay in office.”

They’re trying to hide Amidala from an assassin so they take her to her home world which they spent a whole movie demonstrating is particularly unsecure from invasions and whatnot.

Things to completely off the rails when Kenobi lands on that planet where everything looks like the inside of an iMac. Apparently there was some other Jedi who commissioned a clone army that nobody knew about for ten fucking years? I defy anyone to explain the emperor’s plan tbh

“I don't like sand. It's coarse, and rough, and irritating, and it gets everywhere.”

What is happening in this movie

Worst scene in Star Wars?

No this is worse

I'm in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you—I can't breathe. I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me. My heart is beating...hoping that kiss will not become a scar.

“I have mated with a woman.

“Kif, inform the men.”

So nothing was stopping Anakin from visiting his mom this whole time. Stupid.

Star Wars is unique in that you can have a whole scene that exists only to showcase exciting new noises.

One moment I genuinely love. Kenobi sneaking around some cave and who comes around the corner? Only the most important character in the prequel trilogy! That’s right!!

THE TECHNO UNION ARMY is such a hilariously weird idea. Look at this steampunk motherfucker right here. Somewhere in Star Wars is a whole planet of goth robots and I am here for it.

Madame Skywalker’s scene in this movie is really fucked up. I think the film wants to make an assumption about torture certainly, but also sexual violence. But when Anakin finds her all she does is say how handsome he is and how proud she is and then dies. Very bad.

We then cut to Yoda ~feeling~ Skywalker in pain. The film wants us to agree that Anakin has done something VERY DARK but undermines its own drama by making the Tuskens irredeemably savage. Does anyone really sympathize with them and not with Anakin?