Thread by @OSPyoutube

All righty y'all I just got over a pretty unpleasant two-day bug and finished a comic chapter today so I could really use somethin to relax - like, for instance, a really bad movie -R

Okiedokes, let's lightning-round this! -R

now I must light my darkest hour……… -R

Okay for context,
THINGS I KNOW ABOUT TRANSFORMERS:
-Watched Transformers: Prime. It's real good.
-Watched Bumblebee. It's real good.
THINGS I KNOW ABOUT THIS MOVIE:
-megan fox got exploited and had a bad time
-bumblebee pees on a guy

Sans context, "Before time began, there was… THE CUBE" is the funniest fuckin opener for ANYTHING

everyone wants The Cube, got it. classic macguffin. all hail The Cube

this is the fourth aerial shot of a helicopter in three minutes

This opening scene with the imposter chopper is pretty cool! I like the building tension of the interchangeable army guys realizing this chopper was shot down months earlier. We're up to eight aerial chopper shots though

Oooooooo and the chopper blades stopping abruptly, and then moving WRONG as it starts unfolding. This is basically The Thing, but it's vehicles instead of people-body-horror.

Which decepticon is this? It's chunky like Shockwave but it turns into a chopper like Airachnid but it's the first bad guy we see so I'd assume starscream but it doesn't TALK so

"the ICE is FREEzing FASter THAN it's MELTing"

11th grade or not, these kids (and teacher) are fuckin idiots for ignoring this dope-ass presentation about a fuckin arctic exploration

every time they reboot transformers they're like "giant transforming robots ain't relatable, let's throw in between one and seven dumbass human friends for the bots" and every time the humans are completely unnecessary because it turns out people can relate to a LOT

bumblebee has no time or patience for your used car salesman shenanigans. bumblebee can and will blow out every other car in the lot if it means you get the plot moving. bumblebee is now my favorite character.

the dialogue in this movie is… weird? everyone talks over everyone else and I think it's supposed to be snappy but it just comes across as Noise

Man, know what I don't miss? Posturing high school dudes

Random Jock Man, we see, is a BAD boyfriend, because he calls Megan Fox his "little bunny" and doesn't let her ride shotgun. Sam would on the other hand make a GOOD boyfriend because when HE offers her a ride (with the obligatory freudian slip) he lets her ride SHOTGUN.

Ooooh this romance is uncomfy and bumblebee playing wingman is only making it MORE uncomfy

Hey so fun fact, when a female character (megan fox) demonstrates proficiency in a skill (engine repair) the nearest male character is not ACTUALLY obliged to ask how she knows that, and she is in turn not ACTUALLY obliged to respond with the closest male relative who taught her

"You think I'm shallow."
"No no, I think there's… more than meets the eye… with you."

Know who I miss? Knockout. Knockout would make this movie much more bearable. Or, you know, any other transformer. Who talks. Or communicates in more than just suggestive musical numbers to try and help a seventeen-year-old score.

Bumblebee's on the mooooove and oh wow there he is, they didn't even show him transform he's just big and humanoid in the background of the shot, I'm disappointed

okaaaaaay sam freaking out is pretty funny

the most unrealistic part of this movie is that sam, from a clearly wealthy upper-middle-class white family whose dad has clout in the community, is still being held by the cops hours after getting taken in for trespassing

oh man I just love the running gag where they keep telling the dude who speaks spanish to speak english instead. it's definitely a joke. super joke-like, with humor-adjacent qualities.

I miss starscream :c

Huzzah, they brought the troops home! After failing to blow up a giant robot scorpion! Such a heartwarming story of bravery and grace under pressure aaaaaaaaaand this is supposed to be a transformers movie right

"Uh, that was really, that was…" *dubious expression* "…awesome." whoops megan fox's real reaction to her role made it into the final cut

cop car says "to punish and enslave" because how else would we know to be concerned

Finally an ACTION SCENE with TRANSFORMERS that can TRANSFORM and TALK and PUNCH EACH OTHER and also two screaming humans I guess

Bumblebee looks…… okay I guess?

Hoho, Sam is in mortal peril - and he has also just been PANTSED! because this movie is afraid to lose my attention for even a single moment without an onslaught of Humor-Coded Narrative Beats!

And Megan Fox takes home the first official decepticon kill of the franchise! Does her character have a name? I fee bad about this but she's honestly such a nonentity, she just also happens to have the most functional skillset

"50 years from now when you're looking back at your life, don't you want to be able to say you had the guts to get into that car?"
Good line! Good sentiment! Good delivery! We are FIFTY-SIX MINUTES INTO THIS MOVIE

okay the "why don't you sit on my lap. for the seatbelt. safety first" bit was bad but for some reason the genuine-ness of the little "that was a pretty good line" "heh… thanks" bit afterwards was kinda… cute? it was the first bit of flirty banter that didn't make me wanna die

okay I can't tell these new bots apart at all but one of them just turned into a semi so I guess it must be… Optimus Time

NOPE NOPE NOPE PUT THE ROBOT LIPS BACK

"What's crackin, little bitches? This looks like a cool place to kick it!"

I mean no disrespect… but has Michael Bay ever actually spoken to a real black person? …One who he wasn't employing at the time?

I like how every version of transformers comes up with a new reason for Earth to actually… matter. My favorite is the one where earth is actually transformer satan

This movie has so… many… human character…… I know like, two of their names… why do they matter…… why are they here…… go back to the giant robots………

Hoho…… the giant robots… are awkwardly enormous… and wrecking the flowerbeds…… it is humorous, for they are clumsy and large…

"Honey? Better call the city, we got a blue transformer!! ……power pole sparkin all over the place"

okay which scriptwriter actually liked this franchise because there's a joke like this roughly every fifteen minutes

Oh hey, Mikaela has a tragic backstory, that's neat! She's also a high-schooler and it is EXTREMELY uncomfortable that this section 7 dude said she was hot and referred to her as "the one in the training bra"

I know this movie really wants us to see how hot megan fox is but it's amazing how skin-crawling gross that becomes the MOMENT an older male character expresses the same sentiment

I guess really that kinda just highlights how it was ALREADY gross tbh

bumblebee just peed on the guy. it happened. it was dumb. moving on

I'm genuinely shocked that buried in this movie is a compelling dynamic between Sam "white wealthy upper middle class never struggled in his life" and Mikaela "carjacker father criminal record struggled to survive *cough also disturbingly used to being unwillingly sexualized*"

Uh so they locked up the section 7 guys and escaped… and then moved the fight like ten feet down the road…… and then got captured by the section 7 guys again…… so I'm not sure what the point of that was

Half of this movie feels like it's aimed at a target audience of eight-to-twelve-year-old boys - what with all the pantsing and the pee jokes - and then the other half feels like it's aimed at horny middle-aged men who really wanna ogle high-school girls

everyone got locked up and it was all bad and stuff and then some government guy with a dumb mustache exposited at this government dude and now all our human characters are fine and in the same place and no longer on the run. This took one scene by the way

"I sense the decepticons are getting ready to mobilize."

…How the FUCK

Optimus is SHOCKINGLY willing to leave bumblebee to die, which is highly uncool and not very Optimus

more like Optimus Crime am I right

People who saw this movie as a preteen dude and liked it for the action and toilet humor, how did your opinion change on subsequent viewings? Did the fanservice improve the experience when viewed as a late teen or adult? Honestly I'm so curious about this

rule number one of fiction is, if there's a dam in it, it's gonna explode. it's basically a law of physics at this point

I blinked and suddenly everyone's pointing guns at everyone else

can we please focus on the big bad defrosting in the other room

He unfreezes and immediately announced "I am… MEGATRON" which seems redundant, unnecessary, and kind of a weird choice for an opener

THAT THING IS STARSCREAM?!

hashtag not my starscream

ugh I know it's a rule of cinema that hugo weaving voices everyone but dammit frank welker did a much better job

hasthag not my megatron

The fight scenes in this are okay but the transformers are so incoherently shaped that whenever they wack each other my dumbass brain is just going TWO TRUCKS HAVING SEX TWO TRUCKS HAVING SEX MY MUSCLES INVOLUNTARILY FLE-

poor bumblebee, he's the only recognizable non-Optimus protagonist so he's constantly on getting-the-crap-kicked-out-of-him-so-the-audience-feels-bad detail

wow it's almost like bringing the cube into a highly populated city center to "hide it" was the dumbest fuckin idea in the world

"Megatron."
"PRIIIIIIME."
HELL yeah, these two idiots fight-flirting are the best part of any transformers franchise- aaaaand they're just wordlessly tackling each other through buildings and now I'm bored

every time it cuts back to sam it demonstrates why giving the cube to the squishy human and making him run it up a huge building instead of having one of the giant alien robot warrior badasses do it was a very bad idea

seriously how come nobody told be mikaela is straight-up the most nuanced character in this movie with the most compelling arc

I mean neither of those are exactly HIGH praise but she's seriously pulling her weight a lot more than all those gratuitous ab-shots make me expect

It's a transformers story which means of COURSE optimus has to die and since they're rushing to that particular finish line we also gotta get that good-ol' One Shall Stand One Shall Fall line in there before he bites it even though it doesn't fit

uhhhh he just shot megatron with a cube-beam and then he died instantly? I think?

wow that was anticlimactic, but at least optimus survived to heroically sacrifice himself another day

wow can't believe the only autobot casualty was the jive-talking one, that's so wild

OH FUCK YEAH IT'S LINKIN PARK TIME BABY

damn, they really wrapped that movie up QUICK