Thread by @katsavalenz

I want to take a moment to talk about my worst social bluffing moment as a Deaf person and how that eventually led me to #EmptyThePews

A thread:

When I came to Canada I had to come to the country under the guise of the church as an institute because legally I wasn't allowed in the country being a disabled person and all. The family that I stayed with owned (and still owns) a church that I was required to attend.

I had to go every Wednesday night, Friday night, Saturday night and twice on Sundays. Every week. On holidays it was more than that. I didn't have a choice. Every evening I was required to do an hour of Bible study.

It was so important it was required more than my speech therapy, lip reading classes and even my school education. (Which was a mixture of home schooling and Christian schooling at the time.)

Fast forward a little and my grandfather passed away.

Keep in mind that this isn't my bioligcal family. It hit me hard. He was the only person that tried to communicate with me on my terms. He was my home school teacher. He explained and reexplained everything. He was the only person that critically looked at the Bible in my circle.

Losing him literally destroyed everything.
My grandmother didn't cope well either and I ended up moving in full time with her to help her adjust to life without him.

For her it was a true adjustment. She didn't know how to cook, how to mow the lawn or even fill up the cars with gas. Her husband was required to do those things under the rules of the church and she had never learnt.
My grandfather had taught me all of this before he passed.

So here I was going to church now more than ever because she was a pastor and I lived with her and didn't have a way out.

A few months after the passing we hosted a couple of brothers from our sister church in Mexico.

Being part of the pastors family I was required to be nice and kind and hospitable to these brothers.

Keep in mind I'm profoundly Deaf and still learning English.

I do the best I can, but honestly was becoming lost much of the time.

Between their and my own poor English, their accent and my trying to lipread a language that's only 30% visible on the lips I was lost much of the time.

So I bluffed my way through the best way I knew how.

I nodded, maintained eye contact, tried to show interest, intrigue

Said "yes" and "okay" and "alright" during pauses in the conversation.

But much of the time I didn't understand.

These brothers stayed for a number of months and every Sunday afternoon pastors family (ie. me) had to host them.

One Sunday, after the service, I left and went and waited in the car. It was fairly warm so I had the door open and was reading in the car (a church-approved book obviously) away from everyone so I didn't need to socialise and exhaust myself.

One of the brothers came to the car

He started talking to me and me--trying to be polite and "play my role", put my book down and pretended to be understanding of what he was saying.
In all honesty, I didn't understand much after "How are you?" was asked except for a few words.

So I bluffed.

This turned into one of the worst decisions of my life.
At some point he had asked me a question and I--in all my bluffing ability--had said "yeah" and nodded my head.

This brother looked really happy which I figured just meant that I had furthered the conversation.

I thought nothing of it.

Two weeks went by where he spent a lot of time hanging around. I left it alone thinking that him and his brother were just becoming more comfortable with us and the church.

That Sunday, two weeks later, the one brother came to me with a ring and a note that read:

'Thank you for agreeing to be my wife'

I was floored.
I was beyond shocked.
I couldn't even recall him ever mentioning or asking me the question.

I immediately stepped back trying to explain that I couldn't accept that and that I am so sorry for the misunderstanding but I didn't want to be married and that I was too young (I was 17) and I wasn't for him.

He became upset and told me that I had agreed already and it was set

Upset I went to the pastor the church (and my great uncle) and tried to explain what happened. I explained that I had misunderstood the question due to my trying to lip read.

I was told to go home and read the Bible and pray on it and if God deemed it necessary he would find a way to change the feelings of this brother.

If this was to be a union of God though and was meant to be than the brothers feelings wouldn't change and I'd have to marry

I was so upset.
I went to my grandmother who just sided with her brother (the pastor) saying that he was chosen from God and therefore knew best.
I went to my great aunt who said that it wasn't all bad and think of the "new experiences I could have"

I went to my mother, other people in the church...all saying that if it was God's will it would be.
In a last ditch effort to try to get out of this I wrote a letter to a very well known Evangelical Pastor who was also associated with our church explaining the situation.

I recieved a letter saying that he was coming to town and that we can talk then.
I met with him along with with 5 other well known pastors/preachers.
All said that I was in the right state of mind upon agreeance and that hiding behind my disability was a poor excuse.

I fought the entire way up to the "wedding day"
I refused to shop, refused to wear a dress, refused to taste test the food, find a venue none of it. I refused it all.
The entire wedding was planned by the church.

They didn't pull their big card until I refused to sign any document.
The church turned and said that if I didn't marry they would call the authorities and ensure that I would end up deported and would be killed if I went back home and that without me my grandmother would die

I was crushed.
I felt I had no choice.
I had worked so hard to come to Canada and now where was I?
I ended up reluctantly married.

My saving grace was that we couldn't really go on a honeymoon because I couldn't leave the country and the only other place he could go was Mexico where he was from.
We ended up going to Mexico under the guise of doing church work which allowed me to stay for about a week

During that week I was raped by my "husband"
Multiple times.
Because according to the Bible it was my duty to tend to him and satisfy him and his pleasures.

A week later we returned to Canada and I tried my hardest to go back to my regular routine. We ended up moving into the basement of my grandmothers house to try to look after her.
I looked after her, volunteered and focused on my schooling.

And of course, was still required to attend church 5 times a week.
A month and a bit later I found out I was pregnant.
I was distraught.
I didn't want a kid and I wasn't allowed to have an abortion.
My "husband" was overjoyed.

He couldn't wait.
Fast forward and I ended up having a little girl.
But she was Deaf and I refused for her to be brought up orally the way I had been forced.
I would sign with her.
Until my "husband" would show up and get angry at me telling me I was brainwashing her

One day I took her to the park to meet up with a friend of mine. This friend was a special friend that I liked very much--more than I should have. And she had openly admitted to liking me.

Unfortunately I felt like I was vile and evil for liking this *special friend* of mine.
But she was a safe space for me.
I would meet with her. She learnt sign and would sign and play with my daughter more than I ever saw my "husband" play with her.

This *special friend* was amazing and I loved her. I couldn't help it.
One day my "husband" followed me to the park and saw me signing with her and came angry at us demanding that I speak in front of "our daughter" or she would become "mute and dumb" and he wouldn't have that.

I was furious.
Here I had travelled half way around the world to try to have a better life for myself and not be at risk of being imprisoned or killed for my disability and the "man" that was labelled my "husband" was telling me I couldn't sign with my own Deaf daughter?

How fucking dare he?!
We ended up having a huge fight in the middle of the park.
The cops were called.
The church intervened and said that I was struggling under stress of everything essentially saying that I wasn't "mentally sound" and that they would take responsibility

I was then punished by not being able to see my daughter.
My "husband" took her to go see his brother and friends of his and I wasn't allowed to be with her.
I was tore up and ended up confiding in my *special friend*

She decided to contact a lawyer and see if there was anything we could do. She paid for it for my money wasn't my own and would have caused more problems.
We wrote up divorce papers and custody papers for me and my daughter which I signed probably a little too eagerly.

However, it was required at the time that the husband also sign off on the papers.
When I presented the papers to him he flipped out threatening to take my daughter away from me and destroy everything I knew and send me back home.
He took the papers and showed them to church

The church immediately backed him saying that divorce was a sin and hadn't I embarrassed him enough by bringing a disabled child into the world. (Disability is also the result of sin if you aren't aware how this works)

He never signed the papers and I didn't end up initially getting the divorce.
I decided to report him for abuse but in order to do that I needed "proof"
I started documenting everything I could and sending it to my *special friend* who kept them on file for me

During this time my grandmother passed away.
Because I didn't inherit the house and property we were immediately thrown out and had to find our own place to stay now.
We moved closer to town which also meant closer to my *special friend*

This ended up being my saving grace one day when I was supposed to meet up with her and didn't show.
I had gotten into a fight with my "husband" and he had locked my daughter and I in the master bedroom.
The police came to the house to find us trapped in the master bedroom.

He was immediately taken in for questioning.
He lied his way out, but by this point he was on the police radar (somewhat).

[I'm sorry, I need a break right now, I promise I will finish this thread later.]

So back to this now that I'm back in the right headspace.

By the time he was let out I was working on having the marriage annulled. This whole thing meant a lot of legal bull that I had to go through. During this time I also got a restraining order put against him for abuse

Remember that I am still going to this church by this point but I'm becoming a pariah because I'm being influenced by Satan to annul our sacred marriage.

I end up moving in with my *special friend* Who was my biggest and pretty much only support at this point.

My husband ended up taking me to court for custody of our daughter saying that I was being influenced by Satan (yes he said this to the judge not shitting you)

And that my influence from Satan was a risk for our daughter.

The judge ruled joint custody at the end of this where she would spend 1 week with me 1 week with him.

Once again I was upset beyond measure and knew this wasn't going to end well.

The first week I had to let her stay with him admittedly I started drinking. Big time. Until I had her back.

And every time after that.

By this point I started not going to the church as much and was distancing myself with the help of my *special friend*

(During this whole time I'm also dealing with legal and emotional shit from the death of my grandmother and the church having control of everything there but that's a story for another time)

Of course this meant more backlash from the church resulting in the cops showing up on our doorstep to do a welfare check on my daughter because I am with another woman and apparently this meant my daughter was in danger. Oh I'm also not officially divorced so adultery yay!

Anyways...Once we were cleared from that we seemed to have somewhat of a temporary system in place. Or at least we thought. Until we didnt.

One weekend I'm waiting for my husband to drop of my daughter but he never shows. And neither does she.

I text and call and text again. I call and text his brother to no avail. I even contacted the church who said they wouldn't talk to me about him. Fine.
Fuckers
I finally contacted the cops who initially said there was nothing to really be concerned about because it's her father

That was until my *special friend* pointed out to them that I wouldn't have gotten a restraining order and working on anullment and have gone to court for full custody if I felt he was "safe"

After that they started taking us a bit more seriously and 24 hours later when they couldn't find him started taking us a lot more seriously.

By this point I was a wreck. I wasn't sleeping, hadn't eaten and had been running all over town trying to find out where he had been to no avail. In a last ditch effort I contacted my husbands parents in Mexico to see if they had heard from him.

His mom ended up telling me about how he came by with her granddaughter who was just adorable and that they were staying with his brother and his wife.

By the time I had hung up my *special friend* (aka lesbian lover by this point) had a flight to Mexico nearly booked

She even offered to come but because I was reliant on her financially to help pay my bills I asked her to stay. It also meant that she was safe and considering I wasn't flying into the safest part of the country I didn't want to take chances

So with *lesbian lover* back in Canada I boarded the longest flight I've ever had in my life.
Ever.
By the time I arrived in Mexico I had every kind of situation playing out in my head.
The 2 hour drive to my husband's parents place didn't help

By the time I arrived it was night and they told me to just relax like it was something I could do. I asked for directions to his brothers and after a long conversation and some references to the Zapatistas I was finally on my way

I arrived to find his brothers wide alone claiming to have no idea of where her husband, my husband or my daughter were.

I. Was. Furious.

Let's just say I can be a really physical person and leave it there

I left angrier than words can describe. I contacted the Mexican police which proved to be futile especially when it became obvious that I wasn't Mexican

2 days I wandered every street, ally, house, park....you name it I went there.

Then I got a text from *lesbian lover* saying that the Mexican Police were looking for me.

I showed up to the station with news that they found my daughter's body but they needed ID

And couldn't get a hold of her father.
Surprise surprise.
And that day right before my daughter's 2nd birthday I was staring at her broken beaten body.

I was caught between pure rage and grief.

I texted *lesbian lover* and asked for her to please book the flight back now if she could.
She did.
This proved to be the second longest plane ride I've ever had in my life.

I arrived emotionless and dead.
*Lesbian lover* came and picked me up and tried to get me to talk. I don't remember exactly what I said but I know I asked for a lot of liquor by the time I walked through the door and for the first time she didn't object.

A few weeks later the annulment went through and I was officially free of this murderer so I thought.

Until one morning the cops showed up on our doorstep not for me but for *lesbian lover*

She was from Malaysia (hence my knowledge of Malaysian and Malaysian Sign) and she was on a visa. The cops were called by an unknown source to investigate her immigration status. While it wasn't said we all knew that the supposed unknown source was most likely the church

So while she was being investigated I had to find a job to try to support my bills. I ended up getting a job at a supermarket in the Seafood department. It was part time and worked around my schooling which miraculously I hadn't managed to be expelled from yet

4 months after having gotten this job *lesbian lover* was deported. How exactly I don't know considering she had been up to date on nearly everything but clearly the church had something further in the system that what I initially thought.

2 months after that I was evicted from the apartment and living on the streets homeless. I couldn't pay the bills.

I never heard from my ex-husband again. He disappeared with my daughter and neither of them returned.

The little bit that I had left from my grandmother that I had been fighting for with the church was gone.

I lost everything.

Because of all this (And more) I am a strong advocate for emptying the fucking pews and not just emptying them but burning them to hell. #EmptyThePews

I also remember this every time I think of bluffing in social situations as a Deaf person. Something that is used as a common survival tactic ended up literally destroying my life and everything I know.

If you look at me now I have come a long way.

Leaving that situation I was battling an alcohol and drug addiction, a severe eating disorder, self harm and suicidal thoughts as well as a slew of mental health issues..many of which I still battle today to some extent.

But I am sober of drugs and alcohol now.

I still struggle with food but not as much as before and I still struggle with self harm urges at times but again I have it under control.

I'm in a healthy happy relationship.

And I am anything but dead.

If you could take something from this it's how destructive the institution known as the Christian church is. How much power they have. How law csn literally not apply to them at times and nothing happens. No consequences #EmptyThePews

But please, don't read this and feel sorry for me.

Read this and fight the system.

And if you are part of this and fighting right now with don't stop. Don't give up. You are more than them.

You are worth every ounce of life this world has to offer. #EmptyThePews

I know it's hard. I know it's tiring and stressful and feels like there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

But I promise you with every fiber of my being it is so worth it. #EmptyThePews

I can't bring back what I have lost but I have created something new and just as special.

And I want every single person fighting against the church to be able to do the same someday.

With nothing but love to you all.

Blessings

#EmptyThePews